To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

This is appalling, OP. Made me genuinely sad to think of your baby in such pain at the hands of their own father.

What a fucking specimen he is. I wonder if he’d want to sit in his own shit until his arse was red raw. Fucking hell.

I know there are people saying they’d end their marriage over this. I totally get that, though my first thought is that when this dad of the year has access, the kid will be in genuine risk.

Shambles. Show the utter cunt this thread and don’t be shy at sharing this event with your family and friends. Shame the bastard.

It's hearrbreaking that some men are so bloody useless/lazy they'll let a baby suffer.

If it's done deliberately to prove a point that's even worse!

I would be absolutely fuming. I’m so sorry that your relaxing afternoon was totally ruined by coming home to this.

In your position, I would sit down with your husband and say that you are shocked at how badly he looked after the baby today. Ask him if anything happened that meant he was so off the ball. Ask him to imagine if you did the same every day of mat leave and what state your poor baby would be in 9m later. Ask why he feels okay neglecting your baby. He may roll his eyes at the word neglect but that is what it is. Leaving a baby to get so sore and not feeding him proper food is neglect.

I would then say to him that it’s clear that you have not given him enough opportunity for 1:1 time with your baby and you will be going out again next weekend so he can prove to you he is not a total idiot and can care of his child properly. If this makes you feel uncomfortable (which is totally understandable), I would make sure he is doing nappies/bathtime/playtime every single night whilst you’re in the next room. I would make him do all meals at the weekend and all nappies. The temptation is to never trust him again with your baby BUT then he gets away with being an absolutely embarrassment of a father. Better to make him show up for you and his child. If he kicks up a fuss, remind him that he clearly needs the practice and you refuse to coparent with someone who, based on today, would be of interest to social services.

I wouldn't let this one go OP. I would have made him change the nappy when I got home. He actually harmed your child. In fact, I'd be making him change every single nappy from now on until he gets it.

Of course he was gaming.

DH did something like this when ds was little. I went into town (15 minute walk) really early. Dh had ds from him waking at 7. They met me at a cafe at 11. Ds was still in his night time nappy, and it was cloth, so he was absolutely soaked beyond belief. Nappy rash, which he was prone to. I couldn’t really believe it. But at least he’d fed him.

I think in this case I’d just ask your p what the fuck he thinks you should do.

6 hours in the same nappy is awful even if the nappy was just wet! To leave a baby in a soiled one is seriously neglecting his child. Don’t let him off with this OP, I’d be making plans to get rid while telling him he needs to step up & actually parent his son. He needs to do more while your’e in the house so you can confidently have some time off without worrying about.

I’d be cashing that PlayStation in at Cex first thing tomorrow and getting a baby cam.
OH would be going to the parenting classes and putting his effort into practice full time, even when i am at home.

If he’s easily distracted it’s still up to him to drag himself out of it. He could for example sort out some reasonable reminders for himself, such as an alarm going off every 5 mins saying ‘Stop being a selfish wanker. Check on my baby.’

That's absolutely disgraceful behaviour on his part, i would never ever be able to leave the baby with him again.

How could he ignore the baby's needs like that, it's heartbreaking. It sounds dramatic but i don't think i could stay with a man after that.

He obviously can't put your baby's needs first for even a couple of hours.

You are not being hormonal or overreacting. I'm actually fuming on your behalf. It's weaponised incompetence. And to everyone who is saying 'well some men are just a bit clueless', no. We women aren't born with an innate sense of how to care for a baby, which men are missing. Who DOESN'T know babies need changing?!? He's an unreliable idiot and I'd be letting him know it's made me question the relationship because at this rate you'll realise doing it with someone you can't trust is ten times harder than doing it alone.

I'm also annoyed that you felt you had to sort out nappies and food and wipes and everything before you left because already you couldn't rely on him knowing where things were or what to feed the baby. And then to give DS crisps?!? It's neglectful.

Agree with all of this. I'd be getting rid of that playstation for sure!

And neglect is child abuse.

❤️🌸🌸 So sad for you OP and your lovely baby.

What @PinkBobby says. Read him the riot act and then make him do a full share of the care without stepping in. At minimum I would make him do every meal and nappy that he was home for for at least a week. He needs to show you that he can do it properly. Then, after that week, go out again and give him a chance to show that he can actually care for his own child.

And write down with dates exactly what happened, in case you need evidence some day that he should not get shared custody unless he has shown significant improvement.

Sorry your baby’s father is a dud.

Did he want a baby? Because he’s not acting like it.

Please don’t have another with him. There are so many “my boyfriend was terrible with our first child and now he’s even worse since no. 4 came along” posts on here.

Absolutely this.

You can’t teach someone empathy.

And if someone can’t find any empathy for a crying baby in pain - their own baby, no less - who will they find it for?

That poor baby, he'll no doubt have been completely neglected those whole 6 hours. I'd be gutted OP. I'm sorry your OH is such a selfish, neglectful shit of a man.

I strongly agree with this, you need to keep your baby safe. It's not just the fact he neglected the nappy for so long that worries me but also the complete lack of concern or shame when you showed him how sore your sons bottom was.

This. He’s not fit to be a parent.

Poor op. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

You are not married? Whose house is it? Could you manage as a single parent?

If you seriously think this man needs to stay and he can step up, I'd be throwing the playstation out.

Well actually, I'd be throwing him out.
I wouldn't worry too much about him wanting access. It sounds like child neglect to me.

And yeah… I do worry. Like if I left him, he’d have DS for weekends or whatever and I wouldn’t be there to double check anything. What if he didn’t change him again? What if he just plonks him in front of the TV with Wotsits for dinner and ignores him?

I doubt he’d bother to take his son, @Grantoffs , it sounds like he’d rather do anything than interact with the baby. But yeah, tell him if he wants a family he has a lot of work to do- and if you do leave, make sure CMA are involved from day 1 (and if you’re married, that you get the financial input from him to compensate you for the time away from work that having a baby as a solo parent will cause.

It's neglect, so no YANBU to be annoyed. Poor baby 😥

This is negligence.

My DH did a course (of his own free will - he was worried he wouldn’t know ‘what to do’/wanted to be the best dad possible).

I can’t remember the exact one but I think it may have been this organisation (his was just one virtual meeting).

Your DH did bother to change your son’s nappy because he’s lazy but acting like he’s an idiot/stupid. So treat him like one. Every nappy change when he’s around get him to do it and supervise him. When the baby cries ask him what he thinks he needs; don’t bail him out.

Sign him up to the course, make him do it and supervise him doing it to ensure he doesn’t just play games on his phone.

And yeah… his own hygiene isn’t great tbh. He’s not minging but he will go 2 days without showering and has never been the type to keep on top of laundry or even brush DS’s hair. I thought he’d level up a bit when baby came along but not much has changed.

From what you have written he can't take care of himself so what made you think he'd bother to such an extent that he'd be capable of looking after a baby.