To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

What an utterly useless weapon practicing weaponised incompetence.

This shouldn’t be so much of a novelty that he needs a manual - he should be doing a share even when you are home. I’m furious for you.

Id be fuming tbh. It's really quite pathetic that he can't even think to change a nappy.

It's usually porn or video games with these man-children.

Its not you

Your son was dirty and hungry your partner, his dad, should be ashamed of himself. That was a disgrace and I hope it wasnt weaponised incompetence

DH is weaponising false incompetence. He knows what shit smells like and presumably knows how to wipe his own arse. Either he is choosing to neglect your poor child because he can’t be bothered, or he is genuinely so thick that your child is neglected in his care. Let me guess you do all the cooking, cleaning, housework, baby care, laundry does not get done unless you do it, he never gets the shopping in?

He was being bone idle wasn’t he. Didn’t want to make a mess with the food you left because: cleaning up, didn’t want to change the nappy because : cleaning up. I’m not one for jumping on blokes all the time but this was utterly crap. Poor baby.

I doubt he’d remember to pick him up for weekends.

You know this man. You know what he’s like.

Unless he’s bringing in tons of money and making your life better, I just don’t see the point of coddling him for the rest of your life.

Frankly I'd struggle not do violence to the piece of shit that left his baby sitting in a shit filled nappy for hours, ignored his crying and fed him crisps. What a vile excuse of a father, this is neglect. How can you bear to be under the same roof as him now that you have seen how he treats a child?

Weaponized incompetence. He's actually cruel. What he did was torture to that baby. Probably ignored him, didn't play with him and let him cry all day.

The answer is not to never leave baby with him again. You need to have a conversation saying you will leave if he doesn't up his game. And mean it.

Fuck it, I'd pack my bags, move to the other end of the country and hire a solicitor.

I can’t see him asking for regular access if he can’t look after his own child properly for 6 hours.

@Grantoffs Urgh! I don’t have kids and never will at my age now but I think if a man is a dad and has a newborn and seen the routine his partner has he does know he should be checking the nappy and should be engaging with baby and ensuring he gets a proper nutritious feed and as you said that stink would have been impossible to avoid. Sadly I think it’s a case of weaponised incompetence - which is especially cruel in this case since that poor child suffered pain as a result. He really is very selfish and neglectful.

So sorry that’s your supposed ‘support’ and you can’t even get any respite from baby without worrying. Hope you can find a suitable way through this ♥️

OP, I'd expect a clueless, resentful teenager to do a better job than your poor baby's own father did.

Not boasting, but for contrast: my DH, from the day our babies were born, took the view that now they were out, the one thing he couldn't do was breastfeed. He did equal night duty, fed them, changed them, did all the laundry and never ever once regarded it as 'helping' me . He was DOING HIS FAIR FUCKING SHARE.

Your son is in pain, unsettled, and hasn't had a proper meal all day. Your OH is a shitty, lazy, neglectful father who needs to pull his fucking weight and stop being an entitled twat.

I'm furious on your and DS's behalf.

You need to start going out each week…you’ve become the enabler to his conscious helplessness

ask him how he’d feel sitting in his pants he’d pooed in for 6 hours. Ask him how he’d feel just having crisps for tea.

I hear you say his perosnal hygiene is naff…fgs how has he got away with that? Was he doing that when you met or just “let himself go”? It’s seriously disrespectful and selfish and lazy.

tike for a serious conversation that he has to step up …stop viewing he’s “helping you”…he needs to grow up and care for his child needs

jeez, I don’t have grand kids, and look after my niece in emergencies very occasionally. It was 31 years since I last changed nappies till 6 months ago….i knew straight away when niece pooped cos I’ve got a sense of smell ! It isn’t hard.

He has neglected your baby. Do not leave her alone with him again. Supervise and show him how to care for her. If he is not willing to he shouldn’t be trusted alone with her.

Surely he would have smelled a pooey nappy? I'd be worried he could either smell it and made a choice not to change it and wait for you to get home, or he didn't smell it because he didn't pick the baby up and play/cuddle with him very much.

Appalling behaviour - ignoring the basic needs of his baby is inexcusable. How dare he. I would be absolutely raging…. Please don’t just sweep this under the rug as him being “a bit clueless”. What he has done is cruel, and your poor wee baby has suffered as a result.

Exactly this
I would honestly be reconsidering the relationship. How utterly useless this man is, he has physically caused harm to your child through neglecting to change his nappy, and he doesn't see the problem?

I would actually ask him to leave, he is neglected your baby, his child.

What a waste of space he is.

And for the record…this is the perfect time for a raised voice a phrases like

“Are you kidding me?!”
”What the hell were you thinking”
“You better figure it out”
”He’s your responsibility too”
”What if I were hit by a bus”
“Did you plan to be a useless father, or is that just how it’s working out”
”Was your game more important than your son? FFS”
“First and last time this happens”
“Starting now you own DS’s care, I will do X,Y, and Z until you figure out how to be a parent”

The only way in which you’re being unreasonable is questioning if you’re being unreasonable. You aren’t. The fact that you would even think that you might be being unreasonable makes me wonder if he manipulates you.

That’s truly awful. I mean neglectful awful.

If you decide to stay with him I’d be riding his arse and giving him all the baby related chores and treating him like a child, training him. Id also give him an ultimatum, he either shapes up or ships out.

Personally? I’d struggle to stay with someone who did that to my baby

I wouldn't be worrying about him having him and feeding him wotsits. He won't be having him.

Don’t worry, it carries on through their life. Dh had dc, he’d had a big breakfast, but that was fine as the dc didn’t need anything to eat. He now wonders why as teens they don’t listen to him. I intervene and they say ‘how high?’ Good luck!

This is unforgivable he’s injured your baby through sheer laziness. I’d have him at every nappy change for the next few days when poor DS screams so much he shakes. Mine only had nappy rash with tummy bugs and the way it stings them so much makes you cry. He needs to appreciate that pain and never do it again.

No idea why it’s underlined