To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

I’d be furious. A baby is totally reliant on the person he’s left with. 6 hours is far too long to have the same nappy on and to be given half a banana. Incandescent doesn’t cover it.

He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD.

Then why did you leave nappies and food, like you would for a babysitter?

If you treat him like a babysitter then he will act like a babysitter.

That doesn't excuse leaving him in a dirty nappy red raw etc, obviously that's not OK, but that is not the only thing I'd be looking to change.

I'm sorry this has happened, but maybe it will give you the push to kick your husband out now.

You’re right to be angry OP - neglectful, lazy piece of shit. He’s definitely done that to ensure you never feel like you can leave your DS with him ever again. What a C#nt. I’d be tactically leaving with him a lot more & forcing him into stepping up to parenting him. Bcos you’re going to be on your own if not. But your poor child will have to suffer in the process. I’d be setting down some boundaries & expectations about contributing as a parent & holding him to it. And if he fails to co-operate kick him out.

That's shit, OP. How is he at caring for your DC when you are there?
A family friend's daughter realised her relationship was over when she went out for the day leaving her 15 month old with his dad. When she came home, the child had not been fed. Dad had fixed himself a meal and not thought to feed the child. She realised she didn't want to be married to someone so careless and useless.

I am absolutely gobsmacked you have to leave things out prepared for him. That is absolutely pathetic that a grown man can't navigate looking after his own child for a few hours after several months.

I thought he’d level up a bit when baby came along but not much has changed.

The number of women who make this mistake is heart breaking. They should cover it on the school PSHE syllabus. If he's an incompetent, selfish, unhygienic man-child he WILL NOT be a good Dad. DO NOT make a baby with a man like this hoping he will magically stop being a twat. He won't and your child will suffer as a result.

Omg the poor baby. Poor little mite must be in agony with sore bum. None of us get a handbook, those things are basic cop on. Why is he feeding a baby crisps? There's so much salt and your baby is only 9 months old, he needs to understand that they can choke too . He sounds like an incompetent person and you're going to find it hard to trust him with the baby.

Do you have pils? If so what are they like
are they also of the mindset that the baby is your domain?

Obviously your husband is a useless dickhead but come on, you must know you're not being unreasonable, don't blame it on hormones and you should bloody well blow up massively.

That's truly awful, your poor LO! Just as a matter of interest, I asked my DH, who has never had children, but has seen my grandkids grow up, and my great grandchildren, how many times he would change a nappy in 6 hours. He said, 'you do remember I've never had kids, don't you? I said 'yes, of course, but what do you think?' He said 'I think I'd probably expect to change a baby of that age, maybe twice in that length of time'. So even he has more idea than your useless OH, who actually lives with his child, and sees what's going on every day, and every night! Your OH should be ashamed of himself. As others have said, I'd be seriously questioning my marriage at this point, as a man who is happy to neglect his own child, is either selfish in the extreme, or just completely brain dead! I wonder if he used the toilet in the 6 hours you were gone? I bet he did, but didn't think that maybe he should check his own son!! Grrrr! I'm mad on your behalf OP.

I think that I would try to find someone who could do parenting classes with him. Weekly or fortnightly where you go out and this person comes over and shows him how to take care of his child.

An experienced Mum, a Nanny, a midwife or health visitor or something. Pay them from his money (if you have separate money) but under the strict instructions they're not to take over, they are to instruct him and watch him look after the baby while cooking for them. How to bath the baby. Watching the baby's cues for hunger, tiredness, dirty nappy etc

Until he's learnt to take care of the baby himself using his own gumption.

Don't be like me who became the default parent and, many, many years later, I still have to leave instructions on the food my disabled child will eat. It's the same lunch every day and he STILL doesn't know what they eat!!!!

I thought he’d level up a bit when baby came along

Ah well, you live and learn. Looks like the baby is all your responsibility if you don't want it to be neglected and/or malnourished.

Don't have another one with this waste of skin though eh?!

I'd probably be fired as a nursery worker if we hadn't changed a nappy in that long!

Your biggest mistake was diving in and changing the nappy, he should have changed the nappy. You are rescuing. From now on you need to step back and make him feed his child so that he has to deal with it being messy and the nappy changes too. And all because he is his Dad.

Stop solving things for him like sorting out the food if you go out. Tell him he needs to think about what food his child will eat, and in the same way you prepared food, he does the same. If he needs to write himself a list of things that need to be done, he does it. Not you.

I would lose my shit with him, neglectful waste of space. Honestly I think he's done it on purpose. There's no excuse whatsoever.

YANBU you're entitled to be annoyed. 👍

He goes two days without showering? Gross.

What does he bring to the table? Does he earn a lot?

Well, for a start, I’d recommend stopping sleeping with him. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, less attractive than a selfish Neanderthal man child: you definitely don’t want to risk another baby by him, he’s not father material. In fact I’d tell him exactly that: his lack of initiative and laziness is a major turnoff and you just don’t feel like it any more with him.

Even my 1970s emotionally useless, disengaged dad would not have let me sit in a shitty nappy for 5 hours. I remember him rinsing the cloth nappies in the bucket when mum was out and I was a toddler.

I’d struggle not to throw him out. If he’s going to harm your vulnerable baby, what is he actually bringing to this relationship?

Does he care that his negligence has caused his child to suffer? You can spend a few more years stewing over it if you like, but if he’s honestly capable of not caring what he’s done then his is not a fit father and the sooner you get rid of him the better. Your poor poor baby 😢

What are you doing with the useless stinking prick? You are making way more allowances than I would be and he would have been long gone by now! You would be better off alone I think

Why the fuck are you with a man that cant change a nappy or feed his own child properly for 6 hours.
SIX bloody long hours.
Sorry he would be out the bloody door and a divorce in the mail.

I have no kids or a man so no experience but i do know right from wrong hes bloody cruel call that a dad i call it a divorced fuck up.

@tweettweetboom honestly, that is a terrible idea. It just makes it all the mum’s problem all over again. He isn’t a child who needs teaching. Hea an adult who needs a proverbial slap round the chops and/ or ditching.

I would be annoyed if I had been in the house and in 6h my partner hadn't checked the nappy and fed.

I wouldn't expect to have to tell my partner exactly when to do the next feed, nappy change or so on as he should already know what needs doing and when