To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Here’s what I meant to attach beforehand…

This is so bad! I’d be livid. You then added that he’s a gamer and sometimes doesn’t shower for two days… eurgh. You know you can do better than that right?!

I’d be furious. My daughter has always had a very sensitive bum so I’ve been strict on her needing changed every 3 hours, 4 max and need to use the correct wipes and cream. Any adjustment to this she is very red and sore instantly and she’s 2 now. Fully agree with the others who have said he’s down this so you don’t go out again any time soon because you feel you can’t leave the baby with him. He needs to get the seriousness and impact it’s had on your child and also on your relationship.

We all know that if his game system broke he’d fix it within hours.

So - what exactly made you move in with this prince amongst men, much less decide he was father material?

Do you normal share care of the baby or is it you do everything so he wouldn’t have a clue how often to do it?
Next time do a timeline of what needs doing and when.

I wouldn’t have left child with someone I didn’t think was capable even if they were the child’s parent.

Absolutely, it's called "weaponised incompetence" . Punishing you for going out is bad enough, but seeing his own baby in clear distress and doing nothing about it is unforgivable.

Personally I think you should leave him. But if you want to try and stay then take @dufff23 's advice and put him in charge every Saturday, supervise until he isn’t neglectful, then go out regularly. Otherwise what is the point of him?

Being entirely alone with her baby and never seeing this twat again would be doing considerably better.

That’s neglect. Poor DS and how utterly soul destroying for you. What are you going to do OP?

I agree with all that and more! I would have been livid, poor little chap.

Honestly I feel really emotional reading all this. Like I knew it was bad but hearing other people say it’s not normal has really hit me.

I only prepped everything because I didn’t want any excuses. I knew if I left stuff to chance he’d say “I didn’t know where the wipes were” or “there wasn’t any food ready” or some rubbish like that. I laid it all out so he literally just had to use it. Didn’t think I’d have to spell out “change baby if he smells like poo” but apparently I did.

When I got back DS was in his little bouncer looking miserable and clingy, and OH was on the sofa with his feet up watching YouTube on the TV, phone in hand playing some game. I walked in, DS saw me and just burst into tears. His cheeks were red, like properly red, not just a quick cry. He must’ve been sobbing earlier. It broke me a bit if I’m honest.

He ordered himself a takeaway. Chicken burger and chips, the whole works. Left the wrappers on the side. Meanwhile DS had had half a banana and crisps. Told me he “wasn’t sure what to give him” even though I’d left a labelled tub of baby pasta in the fridge. Couldn’t even be arsed to microwave it.

He’s not at nursery yet but he’s due to start soon, couple of days a week. I’m meant to be starting uni in September so we’d agreed OH would take DS on the days I’m in and cover gaps when I’m in lectures. Now I’m panicking. I can’t leave my baby with someone who won’t even check his nappy for six hours. What if I’m sat in a seminar and DS is screaming at home with a sore bum again?

About the house – it’s technically his dad’s. We pay him rent but it’s not mine. If we split up I’d have to go to my mum’s or find somewhere else, which with nursery fees and part-time hours feels impossible right now. We’re not married, which I guess is a blessing in disguise at this point.

I don’t even know how to talk to him about it. He just blanks or deflects or acts like I’m being dramatic. And the sad thing is I’m now scared to ever leave DS with him again.

Jesus. I can't believe he didn't change a nappy full stop, let alone a poo and wee nappy which will have really hurt your poor baby!

Has he form for this? Is he not hands on? What was he doing. Is he distracted by gaming or a phone or something??

I can't believe he doesnt jump tonsee your sons basic human needs, waits til a certain time, its just heart breaking to read your replies. It would be a deal breaker for me, my husband is so attentive and 50/50 with our toddler and has been since he was born, and that's as it should be :( leaving a little one with potential ammonia burns for what ... what was he doing instead of changing a dirty nappy!?

WEAPONIZED INCOMPETANCE
it's a real tactic. under no circumstance pick up for him/stay home more.
next nappy clean, call him to do it and call him to do it often enough he now how to do it. tell him straight up it negligent and will not be tolerated! be firm
Weaponized Incompetence | Psychology Today

This is child neglect. Your child was in pain because his waste-of-space parent failed to care for him. I'm so sorry, but you cannot trust this man with your child.

DS’s cheeks were bright red when I got home. Like properly blotchy like he’d been crying hard, and that’s not like him at all. He’s usually a happy little soul. Makes me feel sick thinking he might’ve been crying in discomfort while OH sat there ignoring it.

That made me want to cry. It’s monstrous and is absolutely neglect. I’d be raining hellfire on this useless twat and insisting he do all childcare tomorrow so he can’t opt out and say he doesn’t know. Nobody knows! But no parent ignores a baby crying and leaves them in poo so long they get sore.

This happens more often than you think. Nothing will be done, unfortunately.

Leave him, it's abuse and neglect.

This waster will never take you to court for unsupervised access, don't worry about that.

Leave a child in a soiled nappy is child abuse. I would divorce him.

Your latest update paints such a bleak picture. Move in with your mum and know your son is cared for, this man cannot care for your baby, he's been cruel to him today for a pathetic little dopamine hit of phone scrolling and TV watching, ignoring a hungry child. He wasn't even holding him when you came in, he was sat in his bouncer so probably had hardly any physical comfort all afternoon too 😥 hurts a mothers heart.

Could be, I never leave my baby with my husband for more than 30 minutes

I don’t even know how to talk to him about it. He just blanks or deflects or acts like I’m being dramatic

Then you split. He doesn't have the people skills to be in any sort of partnership.

See how much benefits and child support you would be entitled to, on top of your PT wage.

I think if I was in your position, I would write a diary, document and report it to someone close to you incase you do need to separate and he attempts to fight you for custody.

my usual question really....he's minging and a lousy father so apart from sperm, what does he bring to the party?

Like if I left him, he’d have DS for weekends or whatever and I wouldn’t be
there to double check anything.

Do you honestly think this piece of shit is going to want to share custody of your son?

Just in case you think it's possible, I would report him to social services so you have it on record. Also, make an out-of-hours GP appointment for tomorrow to get the nappy rash checked out and tell them exactly what happened so it's all on record.

I understand you're in shock right now, but you need to be taking this as seriously as you would if he hit your son. This level of neglect is beyond average 'lazy dad' levels.

Read your update and I’m sick. Your poor baby was probably strapped in the bouncer the entire day and left to cry so much he realised nobody was coming so gave up. He’s physically and emotionally harmed by this twat who ordered food for himself and nothing for his child!! I’d be gone to your mums tomorrow. Toddlers can’t be left unsupervised and so this is only going to get worse as your baby gets older and needs more supervision. He’s abused his own baby today. You HAVE to protect your son.