To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

If you think he would go for weekends just to spite you, firstly he won't get every weekend. Secondly if you keep a detailed log of how little he cares for his son, the neglect yesterday and how he ignores his child, even his basic needs then you could make a case that any contact has to be with another responsible adult present, like his stepmom. Log it all yourself and with any relevant people like the Dr and your DS's health visitor so they have records as well.

Lastly, is there anything concrete keeping you in your current area? Would it make your life easier if you moved hundreds of miles away, applied to a different university, one with a crèche and possibly accommodation. If you make it as difficult as possible for the deadweight, then do you think he and his Dad would just not persue contact and leave you and DS alone? Just something to consider.

The fact he doesn’t want you to tell anyone means he knows it was awful.

It's been said many times, and it seems true in this case, men want children like they want a dog. They want the fun of the child, but the mother has the burden of keeping it fed, watered, dressed and alive.
He's acting like a spoiled child. It won't get better.

Well done for having another chat. Him asking not to be ‘told on’ sums it all up - he knows he messed up. Shame he didn’t care enough to do an okay job in the first place.

I am in no way condoning his actions or attitude - what he did was neglect and many, many dads would’ve known what to do and when. What I am going to say is I think it is really easy for Dads to feel like a spare wheel in that first year. I think women are incredible and I think we grow up so quickly when the baby arrives, mostly because we have to. We just get it done as best we can based on instinct. Now this doesn’t mean all dads are rubbish and it doesn’t make his negligent behaviour acceptable but it can explain his hesitation over doing it right. The issue was he just gave up rather than actually trying.

It may be that you make it look easy (when we all know it isn’t!) and he still feels absolutely clueless. It may be helpful to say to him that you’re winging it too and it’s about trying to get as much right as possible. A baby has very basic needs - nappy (check it, clean it), food (bloody google it), loved (don’t put them down when they’re sad. Hold them, cuddle them until it’s over). I know it’s painful to have to spell this out for him but you’re not planning on leaving immediately and your child deserves a good father so I’d keep talking about it and give him more opportunity to improve. It’s not punishment or pay back, it’s just making sure he’s a safe person around your baby.

A final point, I would say to him that he cannot game if he’s solely responsible for your child. As your baby gets older, the chance of them getting hurt because your partner is distracted goes up and up. You need to make it clear now that his life changed the second that baby was born and he needs to grow up. Gaming is for his down time not for when he is parenting.

This 👆 with bells, whistles and knobs on!
He can learn how to be a good Dad OP - he just needs to want to. Ask him if he wants to be a good Dad to his son. He will, of course, say Yes, so then ask him how he proposes to change his behaviour so that he is ... Just keep asking him questions OP. Either he'll figure out that he needs to step up and learn (like you have) or he'll realise he doesn't actually want to be a father - either way, you'll know what you're going to have to deal with going forward.
I find it fascinating that "He’s asked me not to tell his dad or stepmum." So, he knows he has something to feel ashamed about then.

Start to collect evidence of his negligence, incompetence and disinterest now OP. Get it recorded with your GP. Send him a text message describing the events. Sounds like you are in a very vulnerable position. Good luck.

OP I think we all wish we could help in a meaningful way! New motherhood is hard enough without lack of support, or navigating through something like this.

I don't think the posts of outrage people are continuing are very helpful at this point TBH, unless they're helping with practicalities. Most definitely contact your uni, and check what benefits you're entitled too as well.

I understand difficult maternal relationships more than I'd like too. I would leave you with the thought that if it's pride stopping you from reaching out to see how things are with your mum, is it worth it? She does not sound helpful or caring from the brief description, but if you plainly tell her you need help, what would she do? Would it be difficult emotionally but better physically? Having a full sense of your options wouldn't hurt. Worst case scenario, she's rude, judges you and says no. Someone like that is no loss to you. Best case, she provides support.

If you haven't already, start saving as much as you can where your DP can't reach it. Having a just in case fund is something even people in the healthiest relationships should have.

Most definitely document with your GP how this happened, and maybe get it in text to your partner too with him confirming?

If you're concerned about leaving him with DS in future, a baby monitor that you can access on your phone and that records when motion is detected may be helpful? Especially if it covers the baby's full room, not just the crib. Only you know how safe it is to try leave them alone again, though I think we'd all urge you not to ignore this red flag.

OP, my ex did exactly that. I got my hair cut when ds was about three months so
I left him with ex for the first time on his own, and was gone about 3.5 hours. I came back to sore & screaming baby, stinking full and liquid nappy, poo all over his babygro, and ex shrugged and said 'I knew you'd be back fairly soon'.

It didn't get any better. I could not trust ds to ex's care. He would 'forget' to feed him, 'forget' to keep an eye on him, 'forget' to change or engage with him.

We left when ds was 2 because it just wasn't safe.

The final straw was ex returning ds to me after a weekend, with an unwashed, four day old, untreated and obviously infected dog bite. After that, no more over-nights until ds was old enough to have a phone and could ring me for help. And even then, only two or three a year. Some people are just not fit to be parents, despite appearances.

Sorry but be prepared for it to get worse. Your dp is selfish, lazy and uncaring. He doesn't love his child, he let him suffer. 🙁 Plan your exit. I hope you don't need to, but I think eventually you will.

He isn't plankton, you know. He does not care and does not know how to be a functioning human. Men are not some specially stupid life form that doesn’t know how to care for a pet or child. He does not choose to do it. He slightly enjoyed having a gf and sex on tap but he is not interested in being a real partner and parent.

Just let himself buy his way out. Tell him you can see that this isnt working for him and that you realize its too much for him. Move into university housing and tell him and his family (they really could not care less) that you will stay clear of them snd make no demands if they pay regular CMS. These people will throw money at a problem for their own comfort where they will resist paying a penny if they think it benefits someone else. So let him pay you to stay away.

You snd your baby will be well shot of him.

What you’re describing is weaponised incompetence. You can try and teach him, but ultimately he’ll only learn if he actually wants to. As PPs have mentioned, it’s worth starting to document some of these issues. It’ll strengthen your case if things do get legal. It doesn’t sound like he’s a safe person to leave a child with honestly.

What is the story between your husband's parents OP? The bit that jumps out at me is that for some reason his mum left him (or perhaps I'm reading it wrong and he lost his mum very young) for the father to bring up, and the father remarried and dumped all the care of his young child on the stepmother. He's learned his awful behaviour from him presumably.

It isn't rocket science is it?

Babies need nappy changes, everyone knows that.
Babies of weaning age need food, everyone knows that too.

Even if he didn't know there was pasta in the fridge, everyone knows to at least look in the fridge to see if there's any food.

There's no excuse here. He just couldn't be arsed.

Thanks for the update, OP, and well done for having an honest conversation.

Definitely speak to the uni as your first port of call. Find out what your options are.

You are both very young - and despite what other posters have said about having young fathers - most men of this generation are not looking forward to becoming dads at 22. My own dad became a father at 22 back in the 1970s, but by that point he'd been in the workplace for 8 years (left school at 14), been living independently with my mum for 4 years, and they were married, owned their own home, and were functioning adults in a way most people of 22 years old aren't these days. Adulthood was accelerated in the days before people had to stay at school until they were 18. You can't compare apples with oranges.

Your partner is immature and he doesn't want to own up to having done the wrong thing - and it doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in doing the right thing, or being responsible, because bringing up a child is not as fun as being on a game. It's a slog and it's knackering and boring and frustrating - alongside being wonderful and glorious and enriching and all the other amazing things that keep you going when you're in the midst of changing another poonami nappy or mopping up another bowl of food that's been chucked on the floor. At this stage often it is more of a slog than a joy and when you're breastfeeding and the baby is very clingy to you, it is easy for dads to feel like a spare part and that they're not necessary. So I can understand it - though not condone it - if your partner feels a lack of connection to and interest in childrearing at this point in time. That doesn't absolve him of responsibility, but it may explain why he has not stepped up or been willing to fully engage with solo care.

Tied to this, one thing I will say is that your partner may well not have realised the impact of leaving a baby in a dirty nappy for such a long time. He's only 22 and he's presumably not been around babies before. I know my SIL had to explain this to my brother when they had their child - he had no idea that urine and faeces burn the skin - he thought that changing the nappy was just about making sure it didn't smell. This kind of knowledge is the sort of thing that's passed on through word of mouth and shared experience between women and men can have huge gaps in their general knowledge around caring for children as a result. We need to do better as a society at bringing them into the child-rearing conversation. So I can see that your DP may well have not understood your son could get physically hurt by his choice not to change his nappy. You should make that absolutely clear to him - it's not about 'oh he can be uncomfortable for a few minutes while I finish this game' - he needs to understand that every minute while he finishes his game and baby's nappy is wet, his skin is burning. And if he still doesn't care after understanding that, then you know you've got a major problem.

Only you know if your partner is genuinely committed enough to fatherhood and to you to want to grow and change and challenge himself so that he can step up to becoming the dad your son needs. Is he capable of change? Does he want to change? If those answers are yes, then he needs to get some support to help him - join a dads' group or something like that - so he has male company and somewhere to take the baby when you're at uni next year.

And if you don't think he does have the capacity or the desire to change, then you need to get yourself into a position where you can leave. And if you think he's going to be a dick about custody, then you need to file a report with your GP/HV about the neglectful behaviour towards your son that caused him harm, so that a judge will have that evidence to consider if and when you go to court.

I wish you the best of luck. You're amazing.

OP I think it's good you're getting him to muck in a bit more.

In your position I'd be trying to get him used to look after your baby, with your oversight so as to "train him up" so to speak, so if you did split up then at least he can provide at least a basic level of care.

Would he agree to do any parenting classes alongside you, if you framed it as wanting to learn too?

@Grantoffs I agree. I can see he is scared
of getting it wrong (he knows he is wrong or he wouldn’t have asked you to not tell his Dad etc). I think you should definitely talk to Uni for your own benefit anyway but see if you can get him to improve with your support. You can also gently point out that if he can stay up to game he can stay up to parent. He is very young but my brother had an unplanned child at a similar age and he did become a great Dad. However, our Dad was hands-on despite being older and so DB had a head start on many blokes. To be clear, I’m not excusing any of it and you’re the one in this situation - only you can decide if you think things can improve.

Best thing you can do is leave. He doesn't like his baby.

congratulations on paragraph 5.. @GrumpyInsomniac
I love your idea of explaining it to incompetent gamer dads in terms they will understand.

Very good advice and constructive too.

Really great that you've got a place at uni. You can do this. Find out what support they offer students with kids, there might be extra grants, is there a creche/ nursery near to it, housing specifically available for students with 'circumstances' etc. It was about 500 years ago when I went to uni in my 20s as a single parent and there was extra support available, there might still be something where you are. I know this is hard now, today, but you sound like you have your head screwed on and you and baba WILL get through this, you'll leave OH behind if he doesn't/ can't keep up 💐

I'd be furious. That is total neglect.

Shame on him..

This.

no doubt it’s the tip of the iceberg

As well as getting advice from uni, ask chat gpt where else u can get support and advice. There are probably charities who will help you access advice and benefits.

sorry but this is dangerous nonsense. A ‘learning curve’ would be feeling a bit awkward about how to hold a newborn or perhaps a dad picking out a clothes combo that mum wouldn’t choose, or maybe letting the child stay up a bit late or eat more snacks than usual. Leaving a baby in their own faeces for six hours and ignoring their crying is physical and emotional neglect, bordering on abuse. This man is not fit to take care of a rock, let alone a human infant. It’s not that he tried and got it wrong - he didn’t try AT ALL.

You can’t leave him with your son again. To be honest you have two kids here if you stay with him. I feel so sorry for you and would end the relationship immediately he doesn’t give a shit does he

He’s said before that if I ever left he’d go for “full weekends” and all that.

So you've discussed leaving at least once before? What made you think about leaving previously? Is that why you want a record of what happened to your DS?

It's despicable that he could treat your son like that AND threaten that he'd go after custody, when he's obviously not capable of or interested in looking after him.

They all say. Full custody, all weekends. I'd bet my house that most aren't even seeing their kids by the end of the year.