To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Parenting classes ! It's urgent. He needs to learn the basics since he doesn't seem like an intelligent person who can make normal deductions about a diaper needing to be changed. A smelly diaper! A 12 year old would have sorted this out better than him!

Why did you change babies bum. I'd have got him to do it.

I don’t think I agree with you. A mother can’t just leave the child in a dirty nappy. She is rescuing her child not her other half. If you come home and sense your child’s needs haven’t been met you just go ahead and give them what they need. No point in waiting for a waste of space to do it.

I agree. I never had to do this with my husband because he understood from the moment we decided to try for a baby that he was a parent, not some kind of part-time babysitter. I didn't even have to leave the house to get him to do it, OP, he did his share as a parent without being asked because he understood that we were both responsible for her and because he wanted to. You deserve way better than this.

Also @tweettweetboom , it’s not a lack of knowledge in your partner’s case. It’s a lack of giving a shiny shit and not feeling it’s his responsibility. I could not live with somebody like that. It’s disrespectful, lazy, neglectful behaviour.

What on earth do you see in him? You shouldn't be having to prep for going out. I assume you both live in the same house so nappies, wipes, clothes, food etc are just in the house they don't need preparing. He should know how to look after his own child. The fact he clearly doesn't give a fuck is a massive red flag.

i would be furious He chose to leave your DS with a sore bum.. They can get red raw very quickly DS1 did, especially when teething
YANBU.. it’s not rocket science is it?
Could it be a ploy so you don’t leave DS with him again?

Christ there are some shit men in the world.

Im sorry OP. You are very obviously not being unreasonable. What are you going to do?

Did you show him DS’s red sore bum?

Does he not care his neglect has caused injury to his own child? I bet tomorrow his rash will be raw and bleeding.
Poor baby was likely crying and crying after his poop and his sperm donor what, ignored him and the smell?
Get tour Healthvisitor to refer him to parenting classes then he has no excuse.

What a pos, honestly.

Thing is, you can’t teach someone to care if they just don’t care.

You can punish them for not caring, but it doesn’t change the fact they simply don’t have the theory of mind to have empathy for a distressed baby.

weaponized incompetence

He should've changed the nappy when you got home.

^This! Obviously OP is used to him being completely useless but underestimated just how useless! I am not one to immediately leap to LTB but I don't think I could personally look past this or want to raise a child with someone so idiotic. So appalling and unattractive!

Why would you need to prep things in the house you live in? Surely he knows already where are the nappies and food?
I don't understand at all why you

prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes

Surely he should know where all these are?
Show him round the bathroom once .
If it s nine months in and he does not know then go out more so he works it out
Or if he genuinely dim then teach him

DBro has no kids or experience of children, and babysat DS for the first time when he was 1. He managed to change his nappy twice (changed it once and DS immediately did another poo), cooked and fed him some pasta, and even put up with DS biting him when DBro wouldn’t let him leave the house in -15C weather (we were in Canada) “to see where mummy is”.

I’d expect the child’s own fucking parent to manage a bit more than that.

Go and more and dont prep anything before you go. He isnt your child.

Be clear that you find incompetence very unattractive and you wont be tolerating it. He needs to do more and be responsable more to improve his knowledge.

And explain if he purposefully neglects your child again you will be leaving him and reporting him.

lazy piece of crap that he is

He’s done it on purpose so you’ll think twice about going out again.
Tomorrow sit him down and tell him it wasn’t good enough that he has harmed your child because he couldn’t be bothered to take care of his basic needs. Tell him if it happens again then it’s over you and your child deserve better.

This is neglect. Don’t let him downplay it.

Weaponised incompetence. It’s disrespectful, lazy, and makes you loose all respect for your partner.

I think it’s Come to Jesus meeting time with him.

You need to be blunt and tell him he’s not cutting it as a father and from here on out he steps up. What he did today was neglect and could harm your child (well did harm) and could cause SS involvement if he can’t figure it out (no idea what your plans are for daycare but this could be a red flag for doctors and daycare). He has one week to learn so better be asking all the questions about your son’s day to day care.

Now the hard part… when he is home (your DH) he does everything for baby, and I mean everything. You do cuddles only…if baby needs a nappy change you hand him over if you’re holding him. If a doctor’s appt is needed he makes it and takes him. If needs fed in the night he gets up to do it.

Then at the end of that week you need to keep your DH regularly caring for DC both while you are there and alone.

ETA: and he absolutely takes lead on caring for the rash he caused.

Essentially this.

what was he doing when he wasnt looking after his baby?

Why did you have a baby with such a moron?

I would be furious, that isn’t just forgetting to do something minor…. Letting your son sit in his own faecal matter for hours on end is pure neglect…. He would have absolutely known that he needed changing because he would have smelt it, even if your son hadn’t been crying which you suspect he was.
You are now on notice that your DH is an idiot and doesn’t put the needs of his own child ie feeding him properly and cleaning him above whatever else he was doing whilst you were out.
I’d be having a very serious conversation because now that you know this has happened if you go out in the future and something else happens due to his neglect you really would be equally responsible for leaving your child with an inadequate caregiver.
I would honestly be reconsidering staying with someone so totally useless, it’s unforgivable tbh.

I would be absolutely livid.

I’ve seen a few comments here saying that OP shouldn’t have been the one to do the nappy when she got home / prep everything before hand etc and I do get where people are coming from but it’s really hard when you have a Partner who is a bit clueless and or / lazy as ultimately it’s your baby who comes off worse if you just leave your Partner to figure it out themselves.

You’re all being really helpful honestly, thank you. I feel like I’m seeing things more clearly now.

Yeah he’s into gaming, big time. Plays stupid games on his phone constantly and then if he’s not on that he’s on the PlayStation. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s all he did this afternoon while DS was just left to it. Doesn’t want to interrupt a game but somehow can ignore his own baby crying or sitting in filth. Makes me feel sick the more I think about it.

I did show him DS’s bum, he said it looked “a bit sore” and then literally went upstairs, got changed and said he was going for a run. So no proper conversation, no sorry, no “I messed up,” just off out the door. Like I was the one making a fuss. Couldn’t even face it.

And yeah, I changed DS myself. He was so upset I just couldn’t leave him in it a second longer. I wasn’t thinking straight, just wanted him clean and comforted. Looking back maybe I should’ve made him do it, but DS needed cuddles and cream and a full change of clothes. Didn’t trust OH to even do it properly tbh.

To whoever asked about PILs, he doesn’t have a mum around, his dad and stepmum brought him up. They’re alright but very old-school and hands-off. His stepmum made some comment once when DS was tiny like “well at least you’ll be good at nappies now” to me, as if obviously it’d be all on me. So no, I don’t think they see it as 50/50 parenting.

And yeah… I do worry. Like if I left him, he’d have DS for weekends or whatever and I wouldn’t be there to double check anything. What if he didn’t change him again? What if he just plonks him in front of the TV with Wotsits for dinner and ignores him?

why are you blaming her? Her parenting isnt the issue.