Asking a child’s mother to pay for replacement pastry?!

[HeatingFiddler]

Yesterday at my local coffee shop/bakery I had my pastry on a tray on the counter and was waiting for my coffee. In front of me was a mum with two kids.

One of the kids was fairly young and kept touching everything including glass cabinets, tables, chairs, the self-serve cutlery. She also kept putting her fingers in her mouth and hair. As kids do.

Anyway. She suddenly grabbed my pastry! I shrieked (probably an over reaction, but god the child has literally just shove her fingers in her mouth moments before). Kids mum turned around and asked what the problem was. I said that her child had just touched my pastry, after putting her fingers in her mouth.
And she said, ‘oh. Kids will be kids. I’m sure it’s fine.’

Obviously, I said, ‘kids will not just be kids. It’s unhygienic and poor /parenting and I would like for you to buy me a replacement.’

She said ‘if it’s that big of an issue I’m sure you can ask the staff for a new one.’

At this point a member of staff arrived. I explained the situation and said, ‘I don’t think a replacement should come from you. This happened because the child was not being supervised. The child’s mother should pay.’

Anyway, in the end the child’s mother agreed to pay and she took the one her child had touched and they ate it and then left.

Was I being unreasonable to say the mother should pay and to refuse to eat the pastry after that? I genuinely don’t think The coffee shop should have had to front a replacement either - it wasn’t their error!

@ProfessionalPirate Not AI.😀

Child was about 5/6. Not a toddler.

I agree, almost nothing really happens anymore. It's getting very tiresome.

Although I do shriek at pastries, I thought that was normal? Aibu?

There are on shelves with a plastic slide door for each type of pastry or roll now! In mine anyway 😀

Its not the child touching something that makes her a bad parent, it's the lack of shits she gave about it! The decent thing would be to apologise and offer to pay for a replacement.

I don't get what's so difficult for people to understand about that, but I suspect it's the OP's use of the word 'shriek'. Whether you think that's an over reaction or not doesn't detract from the fact that the mother wasn't even bothered (so I highly doubt she'd be humiliated as implied by quote a few).

But in OP’s made up story she wouldn’t have been able to go on her public tirade about poor parenting if the mother hadn’t brushed it off!

Shrieking? It an over reaction and total attention seeking behaviour on your part.

Really? I think it’s quite a common reaction to let out a little shriek when something unexpected happens. I did yesterday when I was engrossed in what I was doing and a ball suddenly bounced in front of me. I shrieked as I was surprised then picked up the ball tossed it back to my neighbours grandson, laughed and said he made me jump, he said sorry, he carried on playing and I carried on with what I was doing.

I don’t think OP was at all unreasonable.

According to your opening post you told the mother what happened was a result of her poor parenting.
That doesn’t sound terribly polite!

She said it wasn’t a toddler.

if your child ruins someone’s food or any other item - you pay for it. It really is that simple

there was no need to be judgmental sayidn they should eat ‘junk’. It says a lot about you that you have twisted this to the fact the mother did nothing wrong but the op shouldn’t let sugar past her lips? Very weird.

t

Since the cafe offered to replace it I think you should have left it at that and not caused an unpleasant scene.

Yes, that's true. Also I'd like to know what type of made up pastry it was in the made up story.

I thought that too!

I had a similar situation when someone turned up late for a film, didn't give themselves time to be accustomed to the dark, floundered around and put their fingers in my coffee. No way I was going to drink that. And I was really pissed off too and remonstrated with the woman who crawled off. I went and asked the cafe (attached to the cinema) for a fresh one under the circumstances, which they did without charge. I don't blame you OP.

Yanbu. I don't mind eating something my own child has touched but anybody else's? Absolutely not I would have refused to eat it and expected the person supervising the child (in this case the mother) to buy a replacement.

She didn’t just wander up to a stranger and start shouting, did she?

If someone’s parenting is affecting you, and they’ve brushed it off when you raised it, then pointing it out and demanding they sort it isn’t some societal breakdown. It’s entirely reasonable. The fact you recoil from that, and would rather everyone bottle it up then post later on Mumsnet about how they were too polite to say anything, is exactly the mindset I’m questioning. It must be soul crushing, being that passive all the time.

YANBU

we have a SEN child with learning disabilities and he does frequently touch everything around him. At soft plays etc he will pick up other peoples food or fruit shoots…etc we can’t keep him locked in a cage it’s not ideal but even with the most attentive one to one care it does happen. I replace every item in all these situations and wouldn’t dream of not doing. Luckily I’ve found people are very kind and understanding as long as that immediate ‘I am so sorry let’s get you a new one’ is put out there.
I don’t blame the mum for ‘not supervising’ if she had two kids, it’s hard and we all get distracted I’m sure she didn’t let the child do it on purpose but she was very rude and blasé in how she dealt with it which would have annoyed even me.

How convenient.

Well the child is definitely ND/SEN then because you absolutely described a toddler in your OP, so I stand by what I said.

People let their children behave like feral animals these days. And I say that as someone who brought up a boy with ASD, so very significant extra help and management needed from me. When I knew there was a situation that I had no hope of managing effectively without impacting negatively on other people, I avoided the situation.

If you think about it, plenty of people have trained dogs not to behave like that. And human children can even talk.

The worst thing about the whole incident is that the mother probably doesn’t even see how badly her child behaved and won’t do anything about it. The child will just grow up prancing through the world as though everything is theirs.

They should eat junk? What???
I didnt say that at all. I said good opportunity to go without the pastry

So is it “just what children do” to put their fingers in plug sockets and run out into the road? People have to parent fgs!

OP absolutely did not describe a toddler! She said One of the kids was fairly young. What OP described was a badly behaved child with a disinterested parent. Yes, the child may have been ND but so was one of mine - he probably. would have touched people’s food if I hadn’t actively been parenting! And IF he had ever touched someone’s food I would have arranged a replacement immediately before anything else needed to be said!

YANBU but saying “it’s poor parenting” in front of the whole cafe was mean, you don’t know what that mother is going through.

People are jumping on that word, when it was probably an exclamation of surprise and disgust.

Shrieking and then insisting on a replacement pastry, while fine and probably justified, is not usually the type of behaviour described as ‘polite’ though (OP described her interaction with the mother as such).

Does this mean we've finally moved on from that sistene chapel screeching bullshit and now it's shrieking at pastries?
Just so I can update my mumsnet nonsense index
TIA

She would have enjoyed it less than she deserved to knowing that someone's toddler had touched it with their slimy hands.