Asking a child’s mother to pay for replacement pastry?!

[HeatingFiddler]

Yesterday at my local coffee shop/bakery I had my pastry on a tray on the counter and was waiting for my coffee. In front of me was a mum with two kids.

One of the kids was fairly young and kept touching everything including glass cabinets, tables, chairs, the self-serve cutlery. She also kept putting her fingers in her mouth and hair. As kids do.

Anyway. She suddenly grabbed my pastry! I shrieked (probably an over reaction, but god the child has literally just shove her fingers in her mouth moments before). Kids mum turned around and asked what the problem was. I said that her child had just touched my pastry, after putting her fingers in her mouth.
And she said, ‘oh. Kids will be kids. I’m sure it’s fine.’

Obviously, I said, ‘kids will not just be kids. It’s unhygienic and poor /parenting and I would like for you to buy me a replacement.’

She said ‘if it’s that big of an issue I’m sure you can ask the staff for a new one.’

At this point a member of staff arrived. I explained the situation and said, ‘I don’t think a replacement should come from you. This happened because the child was not being supervised. The child’s mother should pay.’

Anyway, in the end the child’s mother agreed to pay and she took the one her child had touched and they ate it and then left.

Was I being unreasonable to say the mother should pay and to refuse to eat the pastry after that? I genuinely don’t think The coffee shop should have had to front a replacement either - it wasn’t their error!

Perhaps because she was not parenting?

Yeah, she brought it on herself

Were you there?

If it were me eating it there's a good chance it would encourage my CFS kick in

I possibly would have been a bit less restrained with the mother, even knowing kids will be kids!

Of course she did! Absolutely the aim of her day was to be publicly humiliated by the OP who only gives us her word for it and expects us to believe a one sided argument!

Yes...because I am the OP?

Are you okay?

Sorry yes, got distracted because my posts are also green.

Regardless, I still think it’s absolutely humiliating to call someone out in the public way that you did and I will stick by this continuously! Whilst I don’t think that you were wrong to ask her to pay for the replacement pastry, your public behaviour was abysmal IMO!

I agree with you.
I remember when a little boy had a sip of my drink at the park. Some people on here would be in a flap about that, too. The last thing I was going to do was publicly shame the mum. Was I happy about having to bin my drink? No. Was it necessary to tell her off in front of loads of people and shame her in front of her child because he had a sneaky drink? No.

Oh FGS young kid touches pastry and you tell her mother that she's a poor parent, then say the same to the staff. Total over reaction and very unpleasant.

Agree and agree.

I would’ve bought you a dozen pastries without hesitation as I would have been mortified if my DD did such a thing.

@ByMerryTiger
@MaybeBabyMaybeNo

Oh for heaven’s sake 😂
Okay, to explain again…

@ByMerryTiger said, in reply to a pp describing OP’s behaviour as confrontational,
“She didn’t just wander up to a stranger and start shouting, did she?
If someone’s parenting is affecting you, and they’ve brushed it off when you raised it, then pointing it out and demanding they sort it isn’t some societal breakdown. It’s entirely reasonable. The fact you recoil from that, and would rather everyone bottle it up then post later on Mumsnet about how they were too polite to say anything, is exactly the mindset I’m questioning. It must be soul crushing, being that passive all the time.”

Her comment supported the OP’s actions as justified. Not only that, she said people who didn’t demand the incident was sorted in the manner OP had, and instead remained quiet at the time because of politeness, were much too passive.

I too think it was fine for OP to ask for a replacement pastry. However, I don’t agree with the way @ByMerryTiger condones OP’s behaviour as I think her attitude was over the top. I was especially taken aback when OP described herself as behaving politely. It speaks to a lack of insight into her own behaviour.

I was trying to convey that when I replied with
“Shrieking and then insisting on a replacement pastry, while fine and probably justified, is not usually the type of behaviour described as ‘polite’ though (OP described her interaction with the mother as such).”

Obviously I should have been clearer.
I was disagreeing with @ByMerryTiger that OP’s attitude or manner was okay, though getting a replacement pastry was fine.
I thought it particularly ironic that OP described her behaviour as ‘polite’ while @ByMerryTiger portrayed the exact opposite sort of behaviour as being too passive and polite.

So I do think what I said was relevant, even if it seems it wasn’t especially clear 😅

You can send me that link if you want @ByMerryTiger, the thread sounds interesting.

@WickWood

eeeeeew! Do you normally eat at strangers saliva?

Then she shouldn't let her child run around putting their hands on other people's food. That is absolutely disgusting. If she thinks it's ok to let her child do that then the co sequences on her. Parent properly

Yes, it's a redundant point. As we literally only ever have one side of the story. The same is true of every thread on here. What's even more redundant is you saying 'it was probably the equivalent of a nervous laugh.' You weren't there.

I am also a parent of 2 young kids and I have never let them treat places like cafes as a play space. They are not allowed to just touch what they like. And if they put their hands on someone elses food I would not be dismissing it with a 'kids will be kids,' I would replace it as it was my fault I didn't supervise my child properly.

I apologise for that, it's hotter than Satan's armpit and I'm being grumpy - sorry

So what was OP supposed to eat, eat the germ ridden saliva specked pastry so as to not disturb this random woman?

As I have said multiple times. She should have been more discrete! Don’t be so dramatic! You ought to write books you have such a way with words!

YANBU but I’m sure you will be featuring in the anecdote about the hysterical woman in the bakery

She didn’t shout at the woman. What did you want her to do, whisper?

Whaaat? I’m with OP one hundred per cent.

No wonder children think they can do anything that fancy.

With that sort of dozy, inconsiderate mother, do you think OP would have got anywhere by being gentle and quiet?

Well done OP.

I love that you’re still going. Nah, mate. You replied to a post about assertiveness vs passivity with a random comment about OP mislabelling her own behaviour. You went on a side quest, got called on it, then wrote a novella.

You didn’t disagree with @ByMerryTiger about OP’s behaviour being justified. You literally said it was “fine and probably justified.” Your comment was about whether “shrieking” counts as polite.

And your summary of her point was wrong. She didn’t say people stayed quiet because of politeness. She said they stay quiet, then claim it was because of politeness afterwards.

Where did I say she shouted? I said she should have been more discrete. The OP literally admits she shrieked! She called the woman out enough that it drew attention to the situation and staff from the cafe got involved. Therefore she was clearly not discrete! There is a difference between being discrete and whispering!

No one will ever know! But I love how wonderful the world is that we beg to differ! It’s a wonderful thing!