To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

This is what I was wondering how to put into words.
My life is so much better for having DC in it, but I feel guilty sometimes for bringing him into such a shit show!

I was quite surprised last time I was at my hairdresser's and she said randomly that 'she didn't think she'd do it if given her time again '. Her DC are adults now, so it was surprising. I've known her a long time & she's never expressed this. I guess it's that she barely hears from her DC now they've moved out & her DD gave them a horrible time. It obviously wasn't worth it.

I agreed. I didn't think I'd end up with two SEN DC, and didn't consider back then, that we'd be scaping by & our time spent driving DC around & organising therapy. I can't even have a decent career anymore. Stuck in a shitty pt job that allows school hours. Right now DH I could both be earning well, freely travelling the world. I also see so much we'd like to do - theatre, eating out, etc. and we just can't. I have nothing for myself. And no time to do it.

Nannyfannybanny · Today 18:39
I have a son with rapid cycle bipolar and severe depression (he's also been in prison) he's in his 40s I'm in my 70s. I don't regret having him. I regret he has huge challenges.i have a relative with an autistic child with severe learning disabilities,he will never be able to live independently. Shes not quite as old as me, sometimes he has huge meltdowns,in public places as well as at home, she has never regretted his birth. He's in his 30s

RJ2025

Great to hear - unconditional love!

How do you know it's unconditional love? The mother might feel she has no option but to play the role of the saintly mother or she will be labelled a monster.

This tiresome trope that parents are somehow deluding themselves and nursing some secret regret is just swill and needs to stop.

Exactly the same is true of the tiresome trope that happily childfree women are somehow deluding themselves and nursing some secret regret.

Had mine at 44.
Best of both worlds.

I find the constant negativity around parenting on this site for parents really annoying lately. Is parenting hard? Yes, undoubtedly. Does that mean you regret having kids…perhaps on bad days, fleetingly, for a moment. Especially in the long newborn nights. But deeply, fundamentally? I’d say that’s very few people. The narrative that people hate being a parent is actually really damaging because it puts people off doing something rather wonderful. The young women at work seem terrified of having kids because of the prevailing negativity (not just on this site). I’ve always worked in an enjoyable career, I’ve always travelled…but at 46, I can only say that watching my children grow and learn and being a part of that is the most meaningful thing I will ever do. And the thought of them getting partners, having children, popping round for Sunday lunch and to regale me with their adventures in the years to come…there’s no other life I’d want. Because I still get to do the other stuff like travel and work but with my three wonderful children in my life too.

Both statements there, KC… Both total BS, aren’t they?
I was a happily child-free woman, now I’m a happy mum.

Don’t regret having them, it’s just hard, exhausting, mostly thankless work.
I miss having some independence and fun. And being fulfilled in other ways such as by easier career progression.
But you can’t have everything! Unless you’re a real go getter.

Sometimes it’s hard but I don’t regret my kids at all. Not one littke but. I did everything I wanted before I had them: travelled, lived life etc. My life before kids seems kind of empty compared with how full my life is now. I didn’t have the easiest relationship with my own parents and having my daughters has been very healing. I don’t talk about it tho as I think it’s come across smug to those who have made different choices. Not one drop of regret here

But you (unless additional needs etc) get your life back. It was a slog in the younger years but they were so damn cute, then they get to 4/5 and it’s easier. Then you get yourself back, get your life back and you have the additional awesomeness of kids 💙

I’m sure @Lovageandgeraniumsknows her relative quite well and as she said her relative has never ever regretted having her Son

Yeah I’ve noticed it too. It’s either defensive childless people or the ones who shouldn’t have become parents.

A recurring theme??

All the childfree couples I know do have major regret

Most of my friends say the old line, 'if I knew what I knew now, I wouldn't have had kids'. My children are utter chaos, they drive me up the wall sometimes and it's really tough on my own but I would choose them again in every lifetime, I will never regret opening my heart and soul to my children.

Motherhood can be hard but it's full of love and joy.

Just out of curiosity how many did you have?

Reading this thread as a 36 week pregnant FTM who has had anxiety recently about this big life change. I’m feeling heaps better - thanks ladies 🥰

Well sorry, but I think it's really sad for anyone to centre their life and mere existence on someone else. I don't believe you feeling like that is actually healthy for your kids.

I've never been interested in having a career or earning pots of money, but I've never wanted children either. I have lived alone for most of my life and absolutely wouldn't change that for anyone.

I had my babies so young (21 and 25) I did mourn my 20s bur now I'm in 40s and loving life

Biggest blessing in life. UPO but I think it's in our dna as women to year for children. I don't mean, thinking and hoping for one. I mean biologically speaking our bodies do, and it is truly amazing. If you regret it you weren't ready and there's nothing wrong with that. However, your children are here and you have a job to do, which does not involve regret, they didn't ask to be here. You made it so

My daughter is 18 months old and a few times a week I think ‘why have I done this’. I had a good life before and now everything feels difficult and I often feel overwhelmed and like I’ve lost my independence. However, she was very wanted, the love I feel for her is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before and I do think the good times are amazing and massively outweigh the bad. I would always choose a life with her in it, it’s just a constant rollercoaster of emotions!

I didn't have them and didn't want them until my mid 40s.
I got to have the "other" child free life with freedom and money and career for a very long time. It was good and all that but I don't regret trading it in.

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up

Why do you assume the life someone gives up to have children was so great in the first place.

Definitely had a better life with children.

I do know a lot of older people who chose not to have children and whilst they all say they have fantastic lives, personally it looks very boring.
They all drink much more than is healthy and I assume it is because they have little else to do and are incredibly bored

None of the ones I know do. 🤷‍♀️

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