To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

Thanks - seems data trumps anecdote once again!

I can completely understand people regretting having a child, it does really turn your life upside down.

What I can't understand is people who then have a second, third, fourth as though they kept hoping/thinking it was going to be completely different the next time.

That's a bit of a false gotcha really, isn't it? The question is whether people "regret having kids", clearly it's asking a question about the parent's experience, not the kid's.

If the question was "do you regret being born" or "do you think your children regret you being their parents" then that would be a discussion focused from the child-centred experience.

I wasn't trying to 'gotcha' anyone. Just commenting. The thread title doesn't specifically say it's from the parents perspective. It's quite possible to regret having a child from the child's perspective too (as some posters mentioned earlier in the thread). I was just pointing out that the conversation seems to have turned entirely to what children can do for their parent's lives, rather than a more rounded reflection.

No, I always wanted children and have never regretted having them. I’m also enjoying having grown up children. That doesn’t mean there haven’t been hard times and raising them alone was hard work, but not their fault. I probably would have had more money, a career etc without them but I also think life would be lonely and with less to look forward to - I have always been quite family and home orientated. My bigger regret is I couldn’t be a SAH mum for them.

All that said… I’m at a life stage where I’m glad I don’t have to look after young children now and excited to be leaving the school system at last now youngest has just about finished GCSEs.

Awful lot of 50 something couples split up once their youngest is off to uni

Is this kids leaving home or age - people hitting middle ages with changes in perception and priorities.

For all the talk of women menpauses and changes in thinking that can bring I also know a lot of older men who get grumpy and impatient and less pleasant to be round.

Also health can start to be an issue in 50s - cancer scares can impact marraiges and men are much more likely to leave women who are ill.

Well it doesn't seem to happen so much with the couples that don't have kids. Never known any of them been married so long then split up. If childless couples divorce it's often when younger

And I know about bloody grumpy men and cancer. Makes me glad I don't live with my OH. Ironically he's one of the people that divorced once youngest left uni. His ex wife and him found they had nothing in common apart from kids

I can't find the original survey but Sage did apparently look at why 50 year olds were divorcing - it's referenced in a lot of articles-

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/family-relationships/saga-divorces-on-the-rise-as-over-50s-couples-1073229

Figures show that 28 per cent said they divorced because their partner was emotionally cold and distant, while a quarter cited a loss of interest in sex. In addition, 27 per cent said they were no longer committed to their marriage.

The main reason for men ending their marriage – cited in a third of cases – was a lack of interest in sex, while most women said their husband was ¬emotionally cold.

I can't think why couples with out kids would suffer these issues less - maybe they find them earlier with no kids to distract or blame. Though some of the other reasons I could see affecting parents more:

Nagging also scored highly, listed as a top reason for a split by 14 per cent of the 1900 divorcees aged 50 and over asked. In 10 per cent of cases, couples said they'd simply run out of things to talk about.

You get used to oragnising everyone - and then kids leave your left with an adult who resents it all being focused on them - or you drift apart and don't notice.

(missed a word changes sentance meaning)

It only takes about 10 years to stop regretting it then it can be fun and fruitful. You realise you may need someone to look after you when you get older.

I don’t equate mourning my child-free life with regret, I don’t regret having the children at all but I do miss and mourn some aspects of being child-free.

largely, I struggle with having neurodivergent children and it is a really hard slog. It’s not the life we planned in all honesty and it’s really bloody difficult.

but would I make a different choice? No.
would I choose it again? Yes.
therefore I don’t regret it but I do find it hard and miss the easy life we had.

Assuming of course you are lucky enough to have a child who doesn't require you to care for them for the rest of your life. People who have children who require complex care may find old age even harder, because they have the worry of finding a suitable place for their adult child to live once they are gone, as well as funding their own old age, perhaps after a long time out of work caring for the child.

That’s unfair on the kids. (Also assumes your child won’t move away / have life long care needs.)

I am childless due to circumstance.
I cannot fathom just having a kid anyway to have a carer in old age.

I have a younger disabled, autistic non verbal child, This is the thing I think about first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I also have an older son who is a high flyer. Worrying about both of them keeps up at night.

I am sorry to hear that.

I don't regret having kids. But it hasn't turned out how I would have hoped, now they are adults. One is in Australia, and the other is moving to another continent soon. I wish they lived closer. I won't know my grandchildren, in the way that I knew mine. I was clearing out their old wardrobes the other day, and it felt so weird, looking at their childhood things - almost like they were from a different lifetime. They don't call much either - and before someone says that'll be something I've done - it absolutely isn't - they had good childhoods and when we do get together we have a great time. Just remember if you are in the trenches of child rearing now, that you will have many, many years out the other side without them, and you will wish you could go back in time.

We don’t have children and have been happily married for 35 years. And the idea people with kids don’t split up and don’t have affairs is laughable.

It’s much easier and more straightforward for childless/childfree couples to split. So the ones who don’t split up must really want to stay together. Also women in marriages without kids are more likely to be able to afford to leave.

Well I’m not talking about you and your marriage I’m talking about people I know

Well splitting up surely means the marriage/relationship is not happy so couples in long marriages/relationships are (hopefully) happy.

Me and DH have been married 45 years and are very happy and, as I said, all the childfree couples we know have long (first) marriages. We don't know many couples with children with long marriages as almost all of them are divorced at least once

Definitely not a lot - I don’t know anybody that regrets having their children. I completely disagree!

You already commented numerous times on this thread last time around so I am not sure why you have resurrected it 8 months later.

Are you the Mumsnet police???!

No of course not. It's just you were quite argumentative and unable to listen to any other points of view last time around and it's quite obvious you have dug out this thread and bumped it back up so that you can start again with similar arguments 8 months down the line. I can see right through that, so this will be the last time I am engaging with this conversation.