To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

Same - I don’t know why some people think having kids mean you are unhappy - my life is the best it has even been because of having kids

I am a published author. Not famous but published by an academic press and in bookshops.

One of my reasons for getting up at 5 am to write my books was that a friend told me when I was pregnant that I would now never be published because the pram in the hall blah blah. It took me till I was 40, but I have published 4 books. She hasn't written any.

I believe it is very important to not blame your kids for your own overwhelming anxiety or inability to do stuff. Worrying all day about your kids is on you, not them.

Same. And to be honest my life felt empty and meaningless beforehand so i was unhappy being childLESS.

Not to say that's the same for everyone but that's my truth.

What annoys me is when having a gurn because toddler has been given me a hard time I'm met with well you wanted them. Just because I'm having a gurn dosent mean I regret them or don't want them

It isn’t just losing your old life. Children bring a suffocating worry. The dread of something bad happening to them can be overwhelming. And it never ends

I've not found that TBH - which as I was raise by anxious people and was really anxious in 20s (looking back probably pill) is a surprise.

I think I have faith in the DC - they're pretty sensible intellegent people - they are all teens so independent move around the world under their own steam- who are good company most of the time.

I think part of the problem is a lot of what's fun with kids sounds mundane, boring or sometimes even yuck - but when it's your kids evolution has tricks up it sleeve - Oxytocin and rewiring pg brains. There's a lot of hidden joy that get dismissed or looked down on in our society.

I still don't think parenthood is for everyone - but I'm aware for me surpsingly these have been some the hardest but happiest years of my life.

Yes @Holluschickie - couldn't agree more with that!

Again, I am excepting parents of children with additional needs and/or serious health challenges that upend your life.

But in the normal day-to-day, I think a lot of things can still be done with kids if you care enough, prioritise those things and try hard enough.

When I was first pregnant, a friend who didn't want kids said to me 'having kids ruins your relationship, your career and your body'. My relationship and career are both in excellent shape and my body is the same kind of okay-ish size 12 it always was. 😂

I'm finding that a bit of a challenge, if I'm honest.

I was a very involved mum, we were always doing stuff or having a party or visiting places. I have never known such a wonderful sense of purpose and happiness.

Now I'm mostly surplus to requirements. That's a good thing, as parenting is a long path towards obsolescence - by which I mean they don't need you but they still want to see you and spend time together occasionally.

I love how they are thriving in the real world. I'm proud of the people they've become. But I do miss the years when we did so much together, it was so much fun.

My dad once made the very good point that you have to have children to have grandchildren (yes I know it's obvious haha).
But he meant that although having children is very hard work, having grandchildren is great fun, with very little of the hard stuff!

Exactly the same for me - I was happy but felt very empty before having kids

Ah that’s a very good point bless him

Very true. The world is no worse than its every been. In fact it’s probably just about as good as it’s ever been. We’re just fixated on the bad stuff like never before (nice job iPhones). Throughout human history people just got on with carving out their tiny corner. Nowadays everyone’s obsessed with gawping at a load of macro national and geopolitical stuff we can’t fix.

Very true. A bit like supporting a football team, most people are much more vocal when things are going badly than they are when things are going great. Also the bad bits of parenting/having kids can be very visible when out in public. The misbehaving toddler, the complaining 8 year old etc. However the fun happy parts are often only experienced internally. The pride at your child’s funny personality or nice comment or action which looks like nothing to an outsider, but makes the bad bits worthwhile (sometimes anyway!).

I have a son with rapid cycle bipolar and severe depression (he's also been in prison) he's in his 40s I'm in my 70s. I don't regret having him. I regret he has huge challenges.i have a relative with an autistic child with severe learning disabilities,he will never be able to live independently. Shes not quite as old as me, sometimes he has huge meltdowns,in public places as well as at home, she has never regretted his birth. He's in his 30s.

I think that's probably fair to say, and for the most part true. However there are many kids out there who never stop being "difficult" or a constant worry for their parents.

I don’t and have never regretted becoming a mother. I have one dd (late teen now) and they’ve made my life so much better. At this age it’s like having a friend around.

I have friends with younger kids though who have 2+ and are in the thick of it. They all seem very stressed , but I don’t think any of them regret it (maybe occasionally when kids are being kids!).

I do work with a lot of families and whilst nobody has ever said they regret it, I do often wonder. Think families involved with social care due to DV, overcrowding in homes, poverty, multiple kids with SEN or MH difficulties etc. some kids and parents have really shit lives.

That’s great to hear - unconditional love!

That's lovely and so true. @Nannyfannybanny
My DS has a few genetic problems, some that impact his mental health and I'm sorry and sad that he has to go tjtough life with it. But absolutely no regrets even through the hard times.
I never assumed becoming a parent was going to be easy, so far, so good.
My friend spent the guts of 7 years in a hospital before her daughter died.
Like Garth Brooke sings, 🎵
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance 🎵

Well I often think I'm glad to have started a family in my mid 30s and had lots of adventures, wild times, stories to tell in my past - because once you have kids, life changes so dramatically & it would've been a bitter pill to have not had the chance to do my own thing in my prime for a good long while.

Sometimes it's timing. But in the long run, I wonder how much more these same people would have regretted not having kids.

Like others have said, it's very human to ponder on different roads & possibilities.

To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

If so many people regret having kids, there would be far more only children.

It is an exaggeration to say 'a lot'. It is hard in the early years and yes, people will find the loss of the childfree life difficult to adjust (I did) with pre-schoolers. Now as a mother of two young adults who were horrendous as babies, I can tell it gets better and better every single day. I won't be without them, my life's work.

This tiresome trope that parents are somehow deluding themselves and nursing some secret regret is just swill and needs to stop.

One million percent agree with everything you have said. Definitely needs to stop - most people don’t regret having children

I think people go wrong with having to many children, two is hard work and I understand why people want two but one is enough. Kids make friends like siblings.

Absolutely agree about marriage especially when you marry young if you marry past 60 I think it’s worth it

One might be enough for your family. Two children are great, when one is annoying, you can still have a favourite.
My DM had 5, none of us were short of love.
We are all close as adults.

I don’t regret having children but I regret having as many as I did.

Same - there was 4 of us and we never had to fight for love or attention