To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

Did you have children because you were bored, for something to do?

Finding it hard or mourning the childfree life doesn't mean you regret the decision to have children.

Wow, so you think the choice is either have children or be bored and drink to excess? What a strange outlook on life. For what it's worth I don't have kids, don't get bored (you surely don't believe that there is nothing to do outside of spending time with kids) and don't drink at all. Personally I would be bored rigid if I had kids.

We are all different, fancy that.

I think there are some people. Most people love their kids. I not only love my DDs, I like them and the thought of my life w/ out them seems horrifying.

However, I have a friend with a very difficult son, he's always been tough to deal w/ and I'm sure she regrets him. She hasn't explicitly said so, but she doesn't like him, resents the money/resources/pain he sucks from her and when he finally moved out she was so much lighter. She'd have been much happier not being a mom.

Yeah but some things are wiser not to say as they can be easily misconstrued. Overheard my mum saying something like she regrets having children to a friend or something when I was little and it stuck with me for life and really messed me up. Kids can't comprehend nuance.

But in a 100% child free situation yes people should share. Feelings are often complex - I genuinely think for most people the rewarding part DOES outweigh the sense of loss, and if they were given a choice to turn back the clock they would still have their DC in their lives.

I kind of think you're speaking for her though. My sibling has always been a horror and a headache, all the way from birth cradle to adulthood. And my mum practically wept with joy when he moved out. But his earnestness and sweetness towards her (all part of his extreme emotions...) makes her incredibly happy too and she loves him a lot. That said I do take your point that there definitely ARE people who would be happier without kids. Just that we really can't say on behalf of others.

Are you projecting, OP? I wouldn’t say a lot of people but even so, regrets are futile. Having a child is an enormous responsibility and anyone who decides to reproduce better be damned sure that they know what they’re getting into.

I wouldn't be surprised if most parents had moments of regret, particularly in the newborn trenches or when they're up all night with a vomiting 5 year old. Those moments pass though.

I think there must be some parents who regret having children at all but they're the minority. I hope they don't let their children know though.

No regrets here, but I had my one and only late at 38. We’d ’put off’ having kids because we weren’t 100% sure we wanted them, but by my late 30s all that freedom and fancy holidays etc was starting to feel a bit hollow and meaningless. It was the right time for me and I feel I’ve had the best of both worlds.

Once again I don't regret have DC. However I would have been happy without children had I never met them.

Life would probably be more exciting, more money, more freedom, more me too, of course I have fantasised about this other life too.

Two of my aunts from a family of 11 children decided not to have children, they are very happy people who have travelled the world.

I think it's very important to have discussions about regretting parenting, even- or especially on- a parenting site. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, no doubt about that.

However, I get REALLY annoyed when a new mum comes here for support with a difficult baby, and some posters immediately arrive to say how glad they are not to have had children. There is rightly much outrage when parents clumsily trample over the Mners without children forum. 🙂 Vice-versa applies too. New mums need pep talks. The baby years are short. Don't judge your life by them. You will travel again!

I might also add that internet forums are not representative of life. People only post their problems. Very many happy parents do not post that their child delighted them with a gift or a card or an achievement. It would be seen as smug.
Also, the internet attracts very anxious people. On MN I see this line often: Parents never stop worrying.
But I don't worry all the time. I do sometimes, but it doesn't take over my life. People who worry that much are likely very anxious ( excepting SEN issues) and would likely be anxious even without kids.

Never regretted for a second, despite the tough times. And always wanted them from childhood onward. None of my good friends have ever said that they do either. I think most people probably understand that nothing in life is simple - you take the bad with the good.

I specifically remember feeling ready to have a baby when I was 27. I’d really enjoyed my 20s, worked in a creative industry, travelled and partied and I remember feeling ready to give that up. I think the key is doing lots of stuff before you have kids so you don’t look back in regret. And now I am 46 with a nearly 18 year old, I am looking forward to doing lots of crazy stuff again!

I am genuinely happy to have my kids.
The things that bring me the greatest joy and satisfaction are standing on the side of a freezing pitch with other parents as our kids train for the sport they enjoy
Of being in a park with my kids while they enjoy playing
Of doing boardgames and puzzles and swimming and bush walks with my funny, interesting kids
Of putting away their washing in the evening and looking around their cozy, personality-full bedrooms and being so grateful that I get to provide warmth and safety for them.

I have a demanding, fulfilling career that I worked /work so hard for and brings me so much satisfaction. I have friends, a happy marriage, and hobbies. But my children are the light of my life.

Would I bring this up generally? No, of course not. I don't want to be boastful about my good fortune. But don't believe that just because people aren't shouting it, they don't often feel the same as me.

@Yazzi my kids are adults and I so miss the football/ boardgame days! It is the stuff of life. Or my life anyway.

Enjoy them. It goes so quickly.

Maybe they do when they are young. I don’t think i’ve had many (or any) days when i’ve regretted having my 3 kids. I had my first when I was 16, so I didn’t have much prior life to mourn. He is 31 now and my others are 20 and 17. So now is my time, and I am enjoying my new found freedom (apart from needing a dog sitter!!). The time goes fast, and to be fair my 3 kids have all been very easy. A friend has an autistic child (non verbal, still in nappies at 6.5) and life is very hard for her. She often says she regrets having a child and I can totally get that. Every day is tough for her.

Mourning the life you had pre kids doesn't mean you regret having them. They're 2 different things.

I both do and don't.
I wouldn't be apart from my kids but the life I had prior was great and there's things I won't ever be able to do again (aged out of national competitions and no time to train to world competition level again).
That's ok, life has seasons.
The biggest lie we are told is that we can do /have it all.
I'm in my family life stage.
I mourn my athlete life stage, but if I really want to it'll come back when the kids are older in a different way I'm sure

There is not a single thing I would change if i had my time over.

However, I do sometimes silently sob in the shower from being so incredibly touched out and overwhelmed. I miss spontaneity.

I'm not sure about a lot

I've known a few families that have absolutely hated a child and regretted having them.
However away from work all my friends have said at some point having kids was the best thing they ever ever done.

Don’t agree, child free in my mid 40’s and have no regrets at all. Why would you just want a child to fill a perceived void because your life isn’t the same as in your twenties or thirties? My life is fortunately not much different from my earlier decades, I do have more confidence and money though.

That’s terribly sad.

I have 0 regrets having my daughter. She’s the best thing in our lives and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
however I do think people have regret (perhaps more in a wistful way and just miss their old life so much.)
the only thing I struggle with is social media acting like parenting and motherhood is perfect and so easy. It’s hard to live up to an unobtainable standard so sometimes plays into the idea that my life will never be as perfect as these people.
I would never change anything about having my baby and I know I’ll miss her being around all the time when she gets a bit older and I’m no longer cool :D
it’s just stages though. People will be able to do more “normal” things when their children are older.
I do like that I did a lot of travelling when I was in my early 20s, a lot of experiences, a lot of fun nights out and didn’t have a child til my 30s otherwise perhaps I would wonder about my life before

All the parents I know drink a lot, whether at home or socialising with other parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

No it's not, and it's very patronising to say so. Just as patronising as if people said your life was sad for not having kids in it.

As I said above my life is fulfilling in many aspects. But at the very core for me, is my role as a mother, and my children's role and presence in my life. You might not relate but it doesn't make my life, or the other poster's life, sad.