To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

I think a lot of people simply do not look into what the reality of having children is like.

You see regular threads on here asking if it’s meant to be this hard. The answer is yes from most posters but usually also that it’s worth it in the end.

It’s also when a lot of women realise their husband or partner doesn’t pull their weight.

I read these threads and thank the heavens I have never married or had children.

This is one of the themes of Everything, Everywhere, All at Once (an amazing movie featuring a middle aged working mother as the hero, and considering all the potential lives she might have had if she had made other decisions). I cannot imagine my life without my kids to the extent that sometimes I think back to events before they were born and wonder where they were when we were doing X. We had issues conceiving and maintaining a pregnancy, though, so I had plenty of time to consider what life would have been like without them. Is is unbelievably hard and harder than I ever thought it would be? Yes. Do I look at people who have no kids and think "you have NO IDEA". Also yes. As PP said, it's not binary. I do not regret having them for a single second, and never have, but I also feel like the price has been extremely extremely high. Worth paying? Yes. But can see why some people might not feel that, especially when they are in the trenches and have lost sight of the good stuff (and/or didn't want to be parents as badly as I did, and have a real sense that they didn't want that childless future).

My entire life and mere existence is centred on my kids...without them I dread to think how my life would be

I voted YANBU as of course there will be people who regret having children just in the same way that there will be people who regret not having children. It's such a monumental decision that will radically shape your life. Some will always ponder and lament what could have been.

Essentially same shit, different grass. My experience too - my mum once said to me the only difference in her second marriage was she was in a better financial position to get more enjoyment and pay for it - lots of holidays, not work etc . She didn’t actually find the actual marriage anymore pleasurable after about 5 years

On the whole i do not think most people regret having children.

Of course we have good days & bad, we reminisce about life pre kids in a nostalgic way. But actually its a good trait mental health wise not to dwell on things you can't change and to make the best of things, see the silver linings.

Mourn the freedom I had before? Yes, sometimes. But days like today, when my son is at nursery, I have it back for a while!
But regret having him? Hell no. He's the love of my life (and DH of course!). I want another too but I've had 2 losses recently.

You can feel one way (mourning what you had) without feeling the other (regret having your child). They aren't mutually inclusive.

My daughter is absolutely the best part of my life - could not imagine life without her and wouldn't want to

Sometimes I do but it’s more to do with the state of the world and the way this country is going. I really fear for the future at times and definitely feel guilt about it

They leave eventually. 🙂 Make sure you have something for yourself.

Those saying your thirties and forties without children are different to your twenties. They really aren't as long as you stay in shape.

I go out boating, I waste money on expensive shoes, I sleep a lot, I go to the gym, I cook fancy meals, I drink nice wine, it's basically exactly like my twenties but with money.

I’m going to say YABU because I don’t think that thinking about how life was is the same as regretting having children.

My life has totally changed since having my little girl, and no doubt will change again later this year when I have my second baby. I don’t have hours to spend in the gym now, there’s no lazy Sundays on the sofa snoozing after a Saturday night in the pub, sleeping through the night is a thing of the past, holidays aren’t 5* adult only all inclusive in the Caribbean now they are all inclusive kids hotels in Cyprus. My life has changed massively- and I do not regret it even for one single second because my daughter is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, I love my “new” life more than I ever thought I could. Acknowledging change doesn’t have to mean hating or regretting change.

It was certainly harder than I envisaged, I found first time motherhood really tough as I had had such unrealistic expectations. Second child just slotted into the existing framework and much easier even though she was a crap sleeper and naughtier!

Absolutely no regrets, I feel that having them has and continues to be the best experience of my life.

I will say that I was perhaps quite selfish and limited what I sacrificed for them, carried on working FT and building my career, carved out time for exercise, friends and interests of my own. Insisted husband took an equal share of drop offs, pick ups, baths, homework, chores etc. I honestly think i would have decided not to have children unless that was the deal.

Whereas my mum felt she sacrificed a lot and was the household drudge. I think she was expected her children to be brimming over with gratitude and adoration in return for what she did. We weren't horrible children but like most we just took "parenting" for granted. I remember her saying several times when we were teens that if she could have her time again she wouldn't have had children. I don't feel like that at all about mine (one is now an adult so it's not as if they're still little and cute).

Adoring your children and having a career or high income aren’t mutually exclusive

@InBedBy10

But nothing worth having comes easy.

This. In spades

There were moments for sure. Early days when my body felt terrible and I felt lonely for sure.

but now? My grown up kids are amazing and so talented and successful I darent tell people as it would sound like showing off. It’s an arc for sure.

People can regret a lot of choices, but some are seen as more socially acceptable than others.

Your title and your text present different and unconnected propositions.

To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

No, I don't think so. I've met very few parents whom I suspect regret having kids.

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

Of course. But that doesn't make the first statement true.

This.

If anything I regret not having more children!

Oh i definitely think and feel that right now. I gave up my dream career/life/identity when I had my son. Love him to bits but God it's hard. He has autism. Every day I'm getting hit, bitten, scratched, hair pulled. I've had a black eye, various cuts. It's not the life I imagined. I've come to accept it. I feel lucky I got to live my dream career for a large part of my life and recognise that as a mum I have to make sacrifices. Alot of the time I feel like parenting is mind numbing drudgery. I'm ambitious, and I'm still me, but I don't have time for me because I have to prioritise my son's needs.

It's a shock to the system and a really hard adjustment to no longer have an easy life where you are not depended on 24hr a day. I actually think it's a special kind of person that thrives on that responsibility, stress, lack of freedom and sleep.

People have babies for all different reasons and not all of them are because they really want to be a parent. (Relationship sticking plaster/ because they are supposed to/ because their friends are/ need a break from work etc)

Given the backlash some women get for not wanting to have kids ever, I think it would be incredibly foolish for parents to voice their regrets out loud, mainly because they often have no option to change anything about it other than bloody get on with it. Each stage of parenting is different, it changes all the time, not to mention not all kids are the same and some need parenting differently.

I think if you asked parents at the end of their lives, only a very tiny percentage would say they regretted having kids.

I know quite a lot of people who feel they might regret it in the early exhausting years, or briefly if they have tough teenagers, but I don't think most people reflecting back at the end of their lives would regret the decision to have children.

This, I think it's human nature to miss aspects of life before children and imagine what it would be like to be child free now but i certainly wouldn't say a lot of people regret having children. I would imagine very few people actually regret having their children

I'm sure some do. I'm sure most people have the occasional moment during rough patches. But I don't think actually regretting becoming a parent is very widespread. I certainly hope it isn't, for everyone concerne.d

Whe they were little I resented the end of the holidays, I hated sending them to school. We had such a lot of fun when not constrained by a school schedule and homework and all that rot.They were relaxed and happy.

Time with my children has been the very best part of my life (so far - it's not over yet). Seeing the close relationships they have with each other as adults is a source of happiness for me.

I regret it massively and am grateful that I only have one. It rarely comes up in conversation so I guess it’s still taboo.

I resent that Gen X women were encouraged to establish their careers, with very little consideration given to fertility. Ultimately, it led to me frantically having IVF at 38, and having a child at 40 who has a plethora of disabilities relating to maternal age, which has objectively ruined my life. I may have felt differently if I’d become a mother in my 20’s, but I was too busy trying to have it all! <hollow laugh>