To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

True. Considering the abuse people get when they do admit it, it's not surprising most people who do feel that way keep it to themselves.

Confessing your secret feelings is apparently considered worse than drop kicking a puppy into a vat of acid

Personally yes I do regret having kids but it’s more if I knew what my life would be like I wouldn’t have had any children so whilst I do love them if I had my time again I would be child free.

A lot? no, I don´t agree. Some definitely do, but not "a lot".

Certainly. People also regret being child free. And being married. Or moving overseas.

Thinking about the road not taken is a human trait.

Grass is always greener and all that.

Fair enough. I don’t have hard data but it feels like more people are quietly carrying that feeling than we admit. Maybe not full-blown regret but a sense of loss or mourning for the life they didn’t get to live. I think the pressure to only ever say parenting is rewarding makes it harder for those mixed feelings to surface.

I am not sure it’s a “lot” but then I hear some of the stories my social worker family members share….

No, I don't think so. Most people adore their children and find it very rewarding. But they keep quiet about it so they aren't accused of bragging.

I’m sure this is true for some, but I also think some people romanticise child free life and think things would continue the way they did when they were in their late twenties/ early thirties. I didn’t have a child until I was 40 due to infertility, and being child free heading into middle age was a lot different to when I was younger.

I think the majority of parents do not regret having kids. I think for most people even if they miss aspects of their younger days they do not feel regret as such.

I don't regret them per se but the life I could have had without them. My career wouldn't have stalled and we'd probably have moved around more for work so more life experiences. I had a few losses before my DC and had we decided to stop I would have always mourned not having children.

This.

For me my kids are the best part of my life. Are there hard times ? Yes, especially when they were little. But nothing worth having comes easy. As they've gotten older it's definitely gotten easier and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them.

I don't think it's ever that binary. I think you can have complicated feelings, loving your children while wondering what an alternative life would have been. I think few parents, if they were granted a wish, would undo having their children when it came down to it.

I don’t think “a lot” of people regret having kids. I think people sometimes regret the loss of youth and not living the life you did in your 20s but I think that happens regardless of whether you have kids or not. I also think it’s easy to romanticise the life you would have without kids, the fabulous career etc etc in a way that might not necessarily be the case.

Yes, humans are not binary. We are complicated. And feelings can ebb and flow. i dont think there is a mother alive who has not wondered " What the fuck have I done?" in the first six months?.

After many years I have come to realise that marriage isn’t for me. I just find it extremely dull. Been married twice and had two other relationships and found all of them the same one the drudgery set in.

Kids- I love my kids but have found parenting hard work with little reward once they get past the nice age.

Exactly this. That complexity gets flattened so much in public conversation. It’s like we only give people two boxes - “parenting is the best thing ever” or “you’re a monster for regretting it.” But most people are somewhere in the messy middle, especially in the early years when the adjustment is massive.

I think it depends on what you feel you have had to 'give up' as to whether it seems worth it. For me I was never career minded and had spent my 20s and early 30s travelling/buying a house etc so I has crossed lots of things off my bucket list. Having ds didn't require any sacrifice really (apart from lie ins haha) so I've never regretted him for a second, but we also made it easy on ourselves by stopping at 1 child so our lives aren't completely ruled by kids.

I don't regret having my children at all, I do sometimes regret bringing them into this shitty world though.

Not me. My kids are the best part of my life. Yes, hard work at first but rewarding. Compared to caring for elderly parents it’s a a dream.

You don't have to plunge through your twenties and thirties without children to enjoy being a parent.

Yes, agree with this.

I find having kids very difficult, however on balance I feel they add to my life, so I don’t regret them in that way, although I can understand why many people do.

HOWEVER, I would say that I do regret having kids due to the state of the world. I feel very despondent about what kind of lives they are going to have.

I have met a few people in my life who give the impression their children have made them miserable - although tbh it tends to seem a bit more like a whole life crisis. Wrong partner, living in the wrong place, just unhappy with their lot.

TBH of my friends I don’t really get the impression any regret it. I know a couple who are very much ‘one and done’ who I suspect are so because they prefer being more independent which is difficult with multiple children.

I cannot believe how easy my life must have been before kids, the spare time! The lie ins! The causal trips to the pub after work! My lord.

Not for me, I adore my children and grandchildren, they are and have been my life since they were born.
Careers and high income mean nothing to me.

In addition to all the parents who do their very best and do a good job but secretly wish they’d remained childfree, I think if people didn’t regret having children, we wouldn’t have child neglect, child abuse, and people who are just generally disinterested in how their children are growing up. On the basis that we do have all of that, I’d speculate most of them are people who realised all too late that being a parent wasn’t really for them, but it’s not a decision you can just undo.