DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

HAH! My Nineties workplace was full of such things! I had a boss who used to call gay men shirt-lifters, which then morphed into ascenseur de chemise, which everyone thought was funny. And he once told me not to worry my pretty little head about something. There was a man who refused to speak to me because I wouldn't have sex with him, although he did once speak to me to comment on the size of my breasts. Then there were other men who were vile to me in THREE OTHER workplaces as well.

Oh - and then there was the older client with whom I shared a taxi after a function because my flat was on the way to the station, and he asked to come inside and use the loo when we got to my flat. I was so young and naive and I said yes, and then once inside, he propositioned me!! He said he thought we got on well and said he was thinking that we would have sex, then he'd stay the night, then we'd have sex again in the morning. He had it all planned - and he was married!!! With a child! I was shocked and I said no. Fortunately, there were no threatening vibes from him, and he didn't force me.

I had a friend who worked at a City bank in 2000. She said that a woman there slept with a trader, it got round the company like wildfire, and when she arrived at work later that day, THE ENTIRE TRADING FLOOR GAVE HER A STANDING OVATION!

In my experience, a comment like that would have been absolute child's play in a Nineties office.

And im the one accused of being high!!!! 😂

I think the woman reporting the pig to HR did the right thing. It’s not feeble fgs; it’s brave. Yes she could have made a direct comment back. I suspect that’s what he would have loved; creeps like this love to get a reaction when they say sleazy comments, wolf-whistle etc. I am glad she dealt with it in a less reactive way, as it would have been less immediately ‘gratifying’ for him.

Also, if she commented back, he would still have continued to be lecherous to other colleagues. By reporting to HR, the hope is that he will realise how inappropriate it was and he will never say slimy things at work again.

Of course the ideal goal would be real remorse and contrition. But that seems unlikely from this misogynistic Neanderthal. And essentially he is being supported by all the pick-mes on this thread who lack self-respect, adore the bantz and would love to work with such a ‘character’ as this sleaze.

It’s depressing that some of the misogynists here (of both sexes) are parents. Just raising the next generation of creepy men and pick-me women who think it’s all just fine.

Actually I think the fact that this incident was reported immediately compared to a long time after the fact is a substantial difference.

Why have you concluded that this remark is more similar to the dos Santos case, compared to the case where the man said “hi big tits”? Presumably the guy who said “hi big tits” could also claim it was a joke? It’s not really a joke of course (nor is saying to a woman that she must have got shagged last night because she looks cheerful)

@QurikySparrowHatrack

Sorry in my comment above I meant to quote this @QurikySparrowHatrack

Ugh, OP, you’re just as bad as he is.

No, you've been rightfully accused of supporting men who sexually harass women and girls. The nadir for me was when a poster described her distress as a teenager when men on building sites would wolf-whistle and shout comments about her appearance and you told her that she should have been grateful and flattered and take them as compliments.

You keep returning to the thread with your inappropriate comments yet you are so thin skinned and sensitive yourself that you keep accusing posters who are just challenging and rebutting your poorly argued opinions of bullying you.

On the assumption (which could well be false, just working with the indirect account we have from the OP) that this is the first time the OP's DH made a sexual comment that made his co-worker uncomfortable...

The comment in Head was a direct one on the victim's body, and was related to her sex (as a woman).

In Dos Santos, I do think the comment is more recognizably a joke (as in, it contains very simple wordplay) and is not an inherently gendered joke.

I see the OP's DH comment as far closer to the latter. It wasn't specific about his coworker and is not inherently gendered. It is recognizably a joke - I posted a video upthread from Friends, when two women say it to Ross, and the same joke appears in Fraser (between Niles and Daphne's brother, if anyone remembers/cares).

I do agree (and so I did highlight it) that the delayed reporting is a distinguishing fact, but I doubt it would be determinative - in fact, I really hope it would not be (victims might delay reporting for all sorts of reasons).

But it’s not the 90’s anymore.
This type of behaviour is no longer acceptable in the workplace and that’s a good thing.

I know someone who lost a job with a salary of 750k (hedge fund) because he got drunk at a company dinner and told a female intern all about his exploits at a sex club! She was sitting next to him. If I was her, I'd have been skeeved out but would probably have laughed about the old geezer. (He was 60-ish when this happened.) I know telling such stories is considered harassment these days, but that's a huge salary to lose just for getting drunk and telling inappropriate stories. Drunk Him probably thought they were funny. I don't think the intern reported him, I think it was her manager.

Good. Unless you think his behaviour was appropriate? Actions have consequences.

I’ve been to sex clubs and I have a very colourful sex life. I’ve managed to never talk about it with a work colleague. Especially a colleague in a much junior position.

You really have to be SO careful these days. It's almost like a return to Edwardian times, when you stuck to discussing the weather and your health!
You don’t have to be careful, you just have to to avoid talking about sex and making inappropriate comments. It’s really not difficult and if removing sex from your topics of conversation leaves you with nothing to talk about then that’s definitely a you problem.
Maybe you need a hobby?

ZMaybe we should all call each other Mr and Ms/Miss/Mrs Jones etc at work, like they did in Are You Being Served? 😂

Would that stop you talking about sex at work? Would it stop sexual harassment and inappropriate comments?

No it's not a return to edwardian times nor do you have to be SO careful you just have to behave like a decent human being who doesn't make sexually harassing statements, ask sexually inappropriate questions or in the case you described not get so drunk that you tell stories about your sexual exploites to a junior members of staff at a work do. As for 750k being a huge salary to lose yes it is however he lost that job not just for telling a few drunk stories he lost it for being a disgusting sexually predatory man who sexually harassed one of if not the most junior female member of staff at a staff work do regardless of how funny he thought his stories were.
You need to give your head a wobble his victim is not to blame for the consequences of his actions only he is

Absolutely using his seniority, power and male priviledge - he didnt choose to have this banter with a male, a peer or his boss.

His sleasy intent was always there. Its illegal for good reason.

At his age this tells me he has done this for decades and maybe worse - so pocketed his salary way past his expiration date.

Indeed - and I suspect this was the last straw. There’s no way you go from nice respectable man to total sleaze after a few drinks.

Good on the interns manager for reporting it, I bet there were a number of female staff glad to see that back of him.

that this is the first time the OP's DH made a sexual comment that made his co-worker uncomfortable...

Yes but the relevance of whether 'first time' matters is what we are debating. The question is why is this more similar to Dos Santos, than "hi big tits".

In Dos Santos, I do think the comment is more recognizably a joke (as in, it contains very simple wordplay).

Right, exactly. Whereas "hi big tits" has no such word play. Nor does you must have got some last night because you look cheerful.

OP's DH's comment is not a direct comment on this woman's body (like 'hi big tits'), so that is an important difference, but I disagree strongly that OP's DH's remark wasn't gendered or directed at her because she is a woman. To the contrary I think it is very obviously gendered and misogynistic.

I agree that delay in reporting shouldn't be determinative as victims may delay, but I'm guessing the reasoning in that case was that it was indicative that the complainant hadn't been so bothered by the comment at the time? I may be wrong. Whereas in this case it is clear that this woman was uncomfortable.

Sexual jokes are not OK at all in the workplace. Full stop. He should accept responsibility and learn from it, and you should too OP if you think he did nothing wrong.

And these people wonder why 'bullying' has been brought up.

Disagree with them and you're ignorant, arrogant, stupid, a 'sock', accused of being the OP under a different name, tell you to eff off, say you're drunk, accuse you of being on drugs.

3 or 4 posters have been relentless in their comebacks, determined to brow beat those who have an opposing point of view.

There is a clear pack mentality here. And before anyone says it, yes I have reacted. I'm guilty....of standing up for myself and standing by my views! Call me an idiot. Expect a response. Tell me I'm ignorant, expect an answer. I won't be brow beaten. It is entirely possible for adult humans to speak to one another in an appropriate way. Much like you expect from the OPs husband!

You have posted 111 times on this thread so are in no position to complain about other people being relentless in their comebacks.

clearly passionate about online bullying I would assume

I have made it clear what I think of your stance. I haven't used any inappropriate anguage. When I challenged your opinion I was told to get a grip. I think you're wrong and rude, and will continue to think so.

I will admit to swearing at that particular poster. But it was in response to being told to lighten up and being told stop being uptight, which are wholly unacceptable when discussing sexual harassment. So I’ll stand by the use of language as I would (and have) say it in real life.
I haven’t bullied or harassed anyone including the OP. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You've looked up how many times I've responded?

I rest my case.

You're one if them.

You're another one....

I think we already put our issues to rest. Or at least, I hope we had when I wished you well.

This from mumsnet guidelines all
Have a nice day

Hope you left this thread a long time ago OP

Just wanted to highlight the guideline on ageism on here from mumsnet too

🙏