DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

I’d recommend reading Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates.
Also perhaps give ‘Man who has it all’ follow.

The reverse of this conversation just doesn’t happen.

The reverse absolutely happens, though I think the comment is most typically made by men towards other men.

A quick Google: same joke, from Friends, directed towards a happy Ross:

Again, I'm not saying its appropriate in the workplace, I just see it as ungendered.

(Edited for typo)

Yes they were.

Friends was largely filmed in the 90s, over 2 decades ago. It’s crammed full of comments that would be seen as inappropriate today, not in the least all the gay jokes.
Do you think it appearing in friends makes it not sexual harassment?

Once again, a comment made in a friendship is not the same as a comment made to a coworker in the workplace. One is a protected place where people need to adhere to both company policy and the law. You can say whatever you want in your own home to someone. Whether they think you’re funny or an arsehole will be down to them, but it’s not relevant to it being said in the workplace.

Exactly this 👌

Wow, this thread has become a wild ride in the last few pages.

@MyLimeGuide as you became v irate indeed when you thought a faceless stranger on the Internet called you a bitch (they didn't, you speculated that the woman who reported OP's husband might be)

Can you use this to think about why the reporting woman might feel uncomfortable with a man she has a professional relationship with making comments about her sex life?

Just a thought.

I'm not sure how many times I have to say that it was inappropriate, unprofessional and reportable as sexual harassment. I am not arguing otherwise and have made that explicitly clear.

I just dont agree (though am open to being persuaded otherwise) that it is also a sexist/misogynistic comment on its face.

Surely if the victim of OP's DH's sexual harassment was regularly vulgar to OP's DH, her DH would have mentioned it to OP as mitigation for his comment and OP would have told us.

We are judging OP's DH based on his behaviour as described to us by his wife.

As you and @MyLimeGuide seem to be the only people whose posts are being deleted for breaking Mumsnet talk guidelines, it's ironic that you are accusing other posters of bullying.

None of the posts that I have seen have been bullying you. They are disagreeing with you which is not the same thing but you seem to take it very personally indeed.

We're not the only ones. That's not true. You've just chosen to mention us because you don't agree with us.

All the comments about being bullied are indeed ironic, coming from posters who cannot seem to see why a woman might feel bullied by a colleague commenting on her sex life and whose grievance is being minimised by.

Referring to someone as stupid and arrogant, yet you're upset that you were then told to lighten up?

You're comfortable with the pile ons then, as long as they're on the same side that you're supporting?

You're comfortable with the abuse that the OP has received when she's actually done nothing wrong?

It's become far more than just the woman in the office who feels intimidated. Do you not think for a second how the OP might be feeling, reading all that anger aimed at her?

The anger is aimed predominantly at her husband. There is a very small amount of anger aimed at her for being a sexual harassment apologist.
ETA and of course she can choose not to read it. Indeed it appears she no longer is reading the thread.
Her husband’s colleague didn’t have the choice not to hear his comment.

Some of the things said to her have been vile.

Are you… the OP?

No.

Your husband is disgusting for saying that to a female colleague tbh, and it’s pretty weird that you’d have to ask on Mumsnet whether reporting it is OTT.
That would give me a massive ick as a wife but I’d never be with someone as sexist and disrespectful tbh

I wonder if a couple of posters on here are drunk, or under the influence of drugs, because their perception of reality is 'off'.

Calling people bullies for having a difference of opinion. Very odd.

Accusing an innocent poster of using a misogynistic slur when in fact they posted the slur. Very odd.

Repeated denial of having posted the slur, despite the fact that it was still there for everyone to see. Very odd.

Defending sexual harassment. Really FUCKING ODD.

Interesting that the OP pissed off ages ago! A very bizarre thread indeed.

The OP disappeared at around the same time as her supporters appeared 🤔

Exactly
Your last sentence is the point I was trying to make if you read back.
We can only judge the comment made by what we’ve been told. Others have inflated dhs action to something that happens all the time justifying this by ‘ no one does that as a one off’ etc.

We know nothing more than what we have been told and I was highlighting this with an example

It really just isn't about the relationship though.

To say that in an office - you don't want that kind of thing being said in front of other potential colleagues so you nip it in the bud.

It's the reason I avoid banter at work as much as possible.

That hasn't gone unnoticed 😁

As someone who has repeatedly been subjected sexual harassment at work and experienced the structural inequalities of working in a sector which is set up for men to succeed I stand my comments. Do you not understand how many times women are told to ‘lighten up’ when subjected to sexual harassment. So yeah, if you can’t comprehend that then you lack intelligence.

I’ll also add lack of empathy in there too.

You repeatedly claimed that people (men) ‘can’t say anything anymore’ and that people should lighten up and stop being uptight. I said that anyone who couldn’t understand that there is no place for sexual comments or harassment in the workplace place isn’t very intelligent. I stand by that.

Your posts were arrogant imo so I stand by that too 🤷🏼‍♀️