Met Step Son for the first time!

[Larrythelobster87]

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

You all sound so lovely, what a beautiful family x

its so nice to hear everyone is approaching this with optimism. Just please take it slow.
buying lots and lots can lead to a reverse situation where the lad can feel resentful of everything he didn’t have growing up. I’ve seen this happen. It starts out gleefully but morphs into resentment. I’m not saying this always happens but it can

also put your youngest son at the TOP of your priority. The natural reaction would be to prioritise your SS but reminder he has had time to process this and he is older. Your young son may end up feeling very much like he is being expected to take second place she suddenly has a sibling and dynamic not expected thrust suddenly upon him. He must be your priority.

whatever you do , don’t EVER start saying ‘your brother needs this more than you’ or ‘we need ti think about what your brother wants’ or ‘no you can’t have this or go there as we need to buy your brother XXXX instead’

and your DH will naturally be feeling a LOT of confused emotions. But he must be the adult here and manage himself and again prioritise your younger son in the integration of his new half brother.
You are strangers still to each other. Take things slowly. Much slower than you have been
your DH has not let the lad down. He didn’t know he existed. He has no guilt to feel. Love does not grow overnight.

But my reply was because of this post

Vatsallfolks · Today 13:33

In my mind the one who REALLY needs the financial support is the single mother who bought him up for 17 years on her own

That is why I said, what the fuck. But I still think she should have tried to find out.

But anyway enough of the derail .

What a lovely thread. I really hope you give us an update after the weekend

I can't add anything helpful in navigating life with your stepson - way outside my experience, but I just wanted to say I think you and your family sound wonderful and grounded. I hope your stepson (who seems a lovely young man) goes on to enrich your lives the way you have his. I am touched that you are thinking of his mother too, and I wish all of you a very happy future.

You and DH sound amazing. Just take it really slow and steady. Get to know one another and don't go in buying too much gently does it

She had 17 years to contact the men.

All four of you sound absolutely lovely. 🥰

And yet you quoted my post?

Because you replied to my post 🫤

What a beautiful post to read this morning.
OP your family sound like a great bunch of people and I wish you all the best for the future

@Larrythelobster87 how are things going with your DSS? I hope its all going well. Did his DM ever contact you?