Met Step Son for the first time!

[Larrythelobster87]

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

Does your stepson’s Mum have other children?

My daughter tried to use hers only last year and no one would accept it. She did just about manage to claim her existing junior ISA (previously her child trust fund but we transferred it) with her citizenship card, the paperwork from her ISA, a bank statement from her junior bank account at a different bank and her college ID but only after she explained she couldn't get a provisional license. She couldn't change her junior bank account to a student account though, We ended up having to get a a passport purely to get a bank account.

That's a lot to take in op but it sounds like you've all been handling it really well all things considered and fair play to you.

I think others are right to consider that it's a marathon not a sprint and there could be real highs and lows ahead while you and he and his mum navigate things.

I think a letter to his mum that she's not obligated to respond to is a good idea just to reassure her of your intentions and to credit the work she's done this far. I think your dh should be looking at how much he should be spending a month in child maintenance and start paying her for that and maybe in a little while you can work out an agreement in terms of what other things your dh would like to cover. I think it's probably wise to try and agree a boundary with this initially so she doesn't feel stepped over or like your dh is buying SS affections - obviously you know this isn't the case but she doesn't know you and may be more cautious.

I would actually offer to pay for counselling for your SS given this is maybe a lot for him to process so he has a neutral place to talk about his feelings on this as talking to you or his mum might be complicated and it's unlikely friends will really 'get it'. Then I'd leave it to him and his counsellor to suggest family sessions when he's ready but I think that would be for further down the road so you're not tempted to get too deep and intense too quickly incase that becomes overwhelming. Possibly for your dh too as there may come a point where this is a lot for him as well.

I would actually also reach out an offer to meet his mum if she wants to (or at least let her know you're open to it so there's no pressure) incase there comes a point where she does have questions or need to clarify things.

I would maybe try to arrange something consistent with Ss eg could you agree a night where he comes for dinner and maybe one day at the weekend like a Saturday you go out as a family so he has a bit of structure to it. It'll then be up to you to be super, super consistent with it and make sure you follow through. Obviously he's really relieved right now that things have gone well but there might be a part of him that's scared dh and you will change your minds so having a plan like that might reassure him. It also might help pace it out a bit.

I think it sounds like your ds is a very resilient and caring young person and I think it'll be important for him to have some planned in time 1-1 or 2-1 with you and your dh as well where you aren't talking about SS and can just focus on him so he doesn't feel abandoned or like he can't talk to you about his feelings because he knows he should be supportive.

@luddite26 is right on the money when they say about not allowing anyone to make out that SS is 'lucky' in any way for finding you and it will be really important to reflect on how you and others act around him. He should be no more grateful to you both than any other child should be to their parent and often we don't really expect that from our children because we recognise that it's our job as parents to take care of them and this can affect self worth. Some people will be tactless in this respect- pull them on it every single time and stand up for him publicly when you need to.

It’s his biological father he needs to build a relationship with before anyone else. You aren’t his step anything, he already has a mother , he doesn’t need another. You are his father’s wife, that’s all. Have some respect for your husband and his newly found child and, at least for a while, leave them to get to know one another without you

OP has been more than respectful. In fact she has been bloody amazing.

How many wives of father's of children they didn't know they had would be this accommodating and compassionate when the child appeared? Not too many I would suggest. OP deserves nothing but praise.

You are a wonderful family and hope everything will work out for all of you in the future.

This is amazing!!! Congratulations!!!

I love this for all of you. 💝

My siblings and I were separated in care and I didn’t meet them until my 20’s.

You are doing an amazing job.

While this is lovely and I can only imagines the maelstrom of emotions for all parties, I think the help of a specialist counsellor would be enormously beneficial to all of you and how to navigate this life changing situation.

Rather than going OTT on material things, for now, money would be best invested in counselling for all of you.

An abundance of gifts/cash/shopping trips just smacks of guilt. And sending the wrong signal entirely for all parties concerned. I understand that it’s from a place of kindness but my priority would be the wellbeing of the son you have brought up all this time. When the novelty wears off, which it inevitably will, how is he going to feel about extravagant shopping trips and grand gestures?

You ALL need to navigate this slowly, carefully and have very clear boundaries.

@Larrythelobster87 definitely don’t go mad buying stuff. Everyone needs to make a relationship first, not have the money aspect in there muddying the waters. And yes, his poor Mum could feel understandable resentment at the ‘Disney Dad’ turning up - even though your DH just wants to make up for lost time. It is great that he does, but take things slow. His son could just be out for what he can get - equally he may not be. This will take slow and careful navigation and requires good boundaries - especially, too, to protect your other son. Best of luck!

Can't lie this thread is making me tear up its so lovely. We often hear so many stories about dead beat or absent dads my own dcs father stopped seeing him and here you are with your wonderful husband embracing this kid. All of use deprived of a relationship for years. Its heartwarming and I wish you all the very best. I think as its all very new and exciting I dont blame your husband wanting to go out and take him shopping etc by the sounds of things the kid has had it tough he wants his 2 kids the same but I understand also how it could seem to the child's mother also. Anyway so lovely to hear a positive outcome for once

Ah this is lovely. What a brave young boy he is to reach out like that. Hope it works out for you all ❤️

There is so much family relationship shit on MN. It’s lovely to have a good news story. One. Step son who isn’t an ogre. Two. A DH/DD stepping up, no questions asked. Three a SM (that’s you btw), being open and welcoming and not making it about you. But if a teary one this in a good way.

I’ve been in this situation. DH had a surprise daughter come into our lives at a similar age.
Everything went really fast at the start, she was keen to get to know her dad and the extended family, but after a few months she seemed to lose interest.

She’s a lovely woman, and we see her a few times a year, but the relationship is not what my husband hoped for. Sadly 16 missed years can’t be undone.

Hopefully this doesn’t happen for you OP, but just try to slow down and not get carried away with what might be - in your OP you said YOU have another child, and while it’s lovely if you do feel like that, you don’t.
Your husband needs to get to know his child with AND without the rest of you.
Adding him to the group chat seems very premature.
It’s a lot of pressure for a young person (or anyone!) to suddenly have a whole other family and their dynamics to think about. There are five people involved with complex feelings. Rushing things could make things much harder in the long run.

You are right to think buying things is inappropriate. It smacks of trying to salve one’s conscience with mere ‘stuff’ and what’s more it could look insensitive to his mums previous best efforts. What you should do instead is give him a large cash sum to put in a savings account. At his age it will soon prove helpful in probably quite big life improvements. Maybe funding some study, driving lessons and a car or getting his own place at some point. There’s a huge amount of financial and emotional ‘making up’ to do of course but I think just ‘buying stuff’ is a bit piecemeal and almost patronising to his mother in the circumstances. A much bigger and more relevant investment in terms of his future is what’s called for.
Enjoy your new enhanced family Op. He sounds like an absolutely lovely young man. It’s especially life enhancing for his younger half brother I’m sure. What lad doesn’t want a kind and enthusiastic big brother!

Lovely 😊 you sound like a wonderful family , good luck 🍀
Heart-warming story.
Enjoy making memories.

That’s amazing!

Building a relationship is obviously the most important thing.
Personally I wouldn’t give a teenager much money because it’s not good for them.
I would however buy him things he needs if he wants that. Things like driving lessons would probably be way out of his reach. You should check with his mum first though really.

How lovely OP.

Just a little warning from someone who invited & added someone to their family in a son like role (not entirely the same). One of the things you have to learn to navigate is conflict, especially when it starts on such a high. Every family has conflict (which may in your eyes be a mild difference of opinion) but that can be very difficult for someone without a secure base to navigate and negotiate. He may panic every time you disagree, he may feel unable to disagree etc and that can lead to issues (unnecessary lying or gaslighting for example). There is a big power differential & his experiences so far may mean he doesn’t know how to trust others.

Once the excitement has settled I would consider getting therapy, either separately, or family therapy or both. There will also be an impact on the other children - even if the experience is 95% positive.

I am delighted for you all - just reflecting a bit on what happened in our situation about a year in and wondering how it could have been avoided. The person we took in came with trauma and that lack of secure base meant we had different assumptions. Therapy has helped. I wouldn’t change any of the decisions I made, and we navigated, but I was a bit naive/lacked understanding about the impact his past had on his relationship with our family.

Having said that I am super delighted for him and all of you. Enjoy the celebrations. It sounds like he hit the jackpot with your family.

In my mind the one who REALLY needs the financial support is the single mother who bought him up for 17 years on her own. A one off lump sum with no strings attached in lieu of CM (not the whole amount as she should of claimed to start with) would be lovely and allow her to spoil her son for once - not just the new rich shiny dad family .. I don’t mean that meanly OP you sound amazing and welcoming - I just know teenagers (I had 7 !) and money can be important .

OP this is so heartwarming ❤️ I can’t offer any advice on how to navigate the situation but it’s so lovely that he has been welcomed with open arms by everyone

What the fuck?

She stopped her son from having a relationship with his dad and the dad with his son.

Had the mother shared this information sooner the child would have grown up with a father and she would have got matintance.

If, as the OP says, she gave her son a list of names of potential fathers, she clearly didn’t know who her child’s father was, they were all short term things (like the OP’s DH) or ONS, and when she found she was pregnant (and who knows how far along she was?), or had a small baby, she probably didn’t feel like trying to contact a list of random flings, saying ‘I may have had your baby. Fancy doing a DNA test?’

I mean, cute in a dopey ABBA musical, but difficult to navigate in RL.

She doesn't deserve a lump sum of money. It isn't a ABBA musical it is the kids real life. She should have tried to find out.

Why do you think it was easier for the 17 year old to approach random men then it was for the mother to approach men she knew?

The problem sounds like she didn't know who the father was, possibly one of 3, she only got herself to blame for not getting CM, poor kid.

I agree with this. Don’t go too fast. Allow time for “normal” to develop.

I’ve never suggested she ‘deserved’ a lump sum of money, or that it was ‘easier’ for the 17 year old to approach potential fathers than an accidentally pregnant woman not sure who it was who impregnated her. I’m saying it’s not as though she knew who it was and ‘prevented’ her child from having a relationship with him, and that the whole thing was clearly a bit of a mess.