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Original poster

Met Step Son for the first time!

187 replies

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:02

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:06

lunar1 · 08/04/2025 10:04

The provisional license might be nice if your husband is able to take him out and teach him to some extent. It could be a nice bonding thing and way to get to know each other, giving them a common activity.

This was part of the plan. He has taught alot of friends kids to drive as well as he is very calm and confident and just good with teenagers to be frank.

OP posts:
WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 08/04/2025 10:07

Take it slow, take it easy. Build the relationship and spend time together. Get to know him and assimilate him into the family.

Sure, you can buy him some trainers and a few things, if he plans to stay over you can buy him some stuff to keep at yours etc. , but all this is too much too soon and it can backfire in various ways and really mess with his head .

Your husband can start a savings account for him and put a lot of money in there for him to have later , if he wants to make up for it. He can make plans about supporting him at Uni/ college. What he can’t do and it would be entirely counterproductive is try and make up for 17 years (especially financially) in a matter of months. It won’t do anyone any good.

PassingStranger · 08/04/2025 10:09

His mum gave him a list of who the father's might be, then said she wanted no contact.
Sounds wonderful.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:14

PassingStranger · 08/04/2025 10:09

His mum gave him a list of who the father's might be, then said she wanted no contact.
Sounds wonderful.

Literally bless him he sent the same message to about 3 people.

Said another guy messaged back a really nice message wishing him luck as well but there was no chance he was his.

Poor lads just so relieved with it all. I think he very much wants a family that he hasn't had. I don't want to insult the woman as I have no idea of her story or her life but from his mouth he hasn't had the best childhood.

Made it very clear to him we will be an extension of his life with mum. His family has just got bigger, not replacing anyone.

OP posts:
treesandsun · 08/04/2025 10:14

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:30

He is. He said he threw up when we replied saying we would absolutely like him in our lives. 😅

Show quote history

ah bless him. Maybe you could get him a card which says welcome to the family - it will be meaningful for him and something he can keep. How as your son together reacted to this - big change for him too.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:17

treesandsun · 08/04/2025 10:14

ah bless him. Maybe you could get him a card which says welcome to the family - it will be meaningful for him and something he can keep. How as your son together reacted to this - big change for him too.

Show quote history

He's really excited atm. TBF me and his dad are quite liberal and chilled out in our views to things so we explained what had happened and it's just a life surprise...and his attitude is pretty much the same. Shit happens its all about our reaction to it. He's upset for him he's missed out on a dad for 17 years more than anything because his dad is so great.

OP posts:
Snapncrackle · 08/04/2025 10:21

You your son and your DH sound fab
So take it slow and easy

remember you have a lifetime to get to know each other

you have done a great job with your son I’m sure you will do equally as well with your step son

FrenchandSaunders · 08/04/2025 10:23

What does your son think of it all, I'd very careful with his feelings about suddenly not being the eldest/only son. Even if he is doing and saying all the right things at the moment.

Watermill · 08/04/2025 10:23

I’m tearing up a bit reading this thread.

You are lovely people. 💐

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 08/04/2025 10:27

This has warmed my stone cold heart Grin

RunningJo · 08/04/2025 10:30

This is so lovely, you sound like you are all handling it brilliantly.

sonjadog · 08/04/2025 10:31

I would slow way down here. In pragmatic terms, you have a strange teen, soon a young adult, who is joining your family. He is on his best behaviour now and seems lovely. So do most people on short term acquaintance. Who he really is will be revealed in time, and while he will always be part of your family, you may need to implement boundaries and rules that would be easier if it hasn't been a free for all from the start. Similarly, when the first rush of emotion wears off, you will all have to negotiate new relationships, and you all might find this very difficult. Bearing this in mind and that he doesn't and won't have the relation with his father that he would have had if he had known him from birth, I would be wary about giving away a lot of money or buying things. You don't want to end up being regarding as a cash machine and supporting another adult's lifestyle. Definitely build up a relationship, and hopefully one that will last for the rest of your lives, but relationships built on guilt are rarely healthy ones, so take the time needed here to lay a good foundation.

Faranth · 08/04/2025 10:35

I'd add to PP great advice, to be careful with your DS. He may be feeling very mixed emotions and may not feel comfortable talking to you about it if your and DH seem to him to be 100% delighted.

I'd suggest you (rather than DH) make sure you have a check in 2ith him often - maybe when in the car or something - so he can talk to you about anything on his mind.

I have been where your DS is and it was really really destabilising. I felt like I had had a lot of things that I considered my 'identity' taking away. For you son that might be 'only child' 'first grandchild' etc etc. Stupid things bring me up short, like I used to buy my dad 'favourite daughter' cards, and I can't do that any more.

beAsensible1 · 08/04/2025 10:37

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:24

I agree. They've been texting all morning bless him and I think he has the same outlook as he's said I really appreciate going shopping but can I defo come back to the house and hang out with you guys after.

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😥 oh my heart

Outnumbered99 · 08/04/2025 10:37

No experience of anything like this OP but you and your husband and son sound absolutely wonderful! You seem to have your eyes open and are considering everyone's feelings and perspectives while opening your heart and your home- i hope it continues to go as well as it seems to be going! Reckon new step son is due a bit of luck and seems to have it- love this thread!

CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:38

While I appreciate people saying you shouldn't go over the top, he IS your son/step son so actually he should be taking him out and buying trainers etc if he's not dressed properly. He also shouldn't look like the poor relation next to your other children.

Maybe offer the money directly to his mother so she can kit him out? He should be paying child support for his son. And of course, I'm not saying that in a snidey way, he didn't know there was a child to pay for! But he does now. So he needs to be paying for him

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:40

Faranth · 08/04/2025 10:35

I'd add to PP great advice, to be careful with your DS. He may be feeling very mixed emotions and may not feel comfortable talking to you about it if your and DH seem to him to be 100% delighted.

I'd suggest you (rather than DH) make sure you have a check in 2ith him often - maybe when in the car or something - so he can talk to you about anything on his mind.

I have been where your DS is and it was really really destabilising. I felt like I had had a lot of things that I considered my 'identity' taking away. For you son that might be 'only child' 'first grandchild' etc etc. Stupid things bring me up short, like I used to buy my dad 'favourite daughter' cards, and I can't do that any more.

He's comfortable talking to us and we have had very lengthy conversations building up to the meeting of other child. We did do the option of meeting first and not mentioning it to our son, but we just aren't that kind of family, If there are any issues we do it together. He has been asking for a brother every month since he was about 10. We don't do only child and first born stuff in the family so that shouldn't be too much of an issue. We are taking things at both the boys paces, so I guess we will navigate as we go x

OP posts:
CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:40

Oh, and I'd start looking at some potential family therapy or speaking to organizations who have experience with this kind of thing. To prevent any issues long term.

butterpuffed · 08/04/2025 10:40

This is really lovely , a couple of things you've said have brought a lump to my throat .

CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:42

Oh and if he has a will, he probably wants to revise that too

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/04/2025 10:43

Congratulations, it’s a boy! What a lovely thread. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:44

CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:38

While I appreciate people saying you shouldn't go over the top, he IS your son/step son so actually he should be taking him out and buying trainers etc if he's not dressed properly. He also shouldn't look like the poor relation next to your other children.

Maybe offer the money directly to his mother so she can kit him out? He should be paying child support for his son. And of course, I'm not saying that in a snidey way, he didn't know there was a child to pay for! But he does now. So he needs to be paying for him

I have suggested this after the first shopping trip. Ask for mums bank details and put in some money for his keep at home as while he will be visiting us he has said he won't feel comfortable staying over for a while x

OP posts:
Staceysmum2025 · 08/04/2025 10:45

Actually, I think your husband is right and that he does have a lot of years of child support to make up and if the child is in ill fitting clothing and worn out trainers that’s not quite the same as “what you’re currently wearing is shit mate I’m gonna take you and buy you the stuff that I’m prepared to be seen with you” in type mentality. Which you do see.
The passport and the provisional drivers license is really minimum standard, that should be provided.

Snoken · 08/04/2025 10:46

I get that your DH is excited but I would also slow down on the gift buying. It could result in his newfound son feeling in some way indebted to you all. I think the emotional side of it need to settle first and you all need to get to know each other in a normal day to day fashion and then then decide what type of relationship you will have going forward. He can absolutely buy him a pair of trainers but paying for his drivers licence after the first meeting is a bit OTT.

RedHelenB · 08/04/2025 10:49

That's lovely, just a shame he wasn't told about him 17 years ago..