Met Step Son for the first time!

[Larrythelobster87]

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

He is a teenager, that has obviously had a rough time and crap clothes of course he wants gifts.

Yes time as well, but gifts in the short time will be very welcome

You sound very appropriate, careful and lovely OP. I'd say trust your own judgement and carry on as you have been.

You all sound so lovely.

How about planning a bunch of exciting things you can do together over Easter and summer so it fulfils DH's need to give him things without it being all about materialistic "stuff" and ensures everyone has a good time together and makes some memories to make up for lost time? It's an easy way to bond without it being awkward or pressured if there's a theme park or funfair or chocolate making class or concert involved.

It is more so the young man has no form of ID. Can't open his own bank account or anything of the sort x

We asked if he would like to do something on Sat after we have been shopping. He asked that he come back to the house as he has been so emotional he just wants to chill and talk x But yes- I am very of the mindset once he looks decent (his one pair of trainers have a hole in which is why we are doing shopping) we will do days out etc of things he's missed. For example he's never been to a theme park so I think thats first on the list!

Be careful not to ruin/damage him by start giving him lots of money/stuff, if he knew not money before this will be worse. Support with love, basic needs, education, etc.

This is lovely. It has also made me feel emotional. I'm so happy for your SS and I wish you all the best of luck

You sound lovely and so open to welcoming this young man into your lives and family. I brought my child up on my own and was horribly skint for some of the time and it ate me up inside thinking of all the things and experiences I simply could not afford. I felt guilt and shame and inadequate as a mum even though I always put them first. With this in mind I would hold back from getting your SS lots of material things and focus on you all getting to know each other. Wishing you all much happiness together.

This ss can turn out a blessing or a nightmare, depending on what sort of soul he has. You sound lovely.

Oh this just made me cry! I’m the stepson in this scenario except I was a lot older when I got in contact with my father and whilst he and my stepmom are very nice, they’re not as welcoming as you guys have been. I’ve never even been invited to their house for example.

For what it’s worth, I think the clothes, passport, driving gifts etc are a fab idea! I didn’t have the materially richest life either (still don’t drive) and I would have loved for help with clothes/gifts for me and/or my kids.

A sentimental gift like a card, or a keepsake would be amazing too. Just realised looking around my flat that I don’t have anything from my father at all. The one ornament that he brought back from a holiday broke.

Anyway, good luck to you all. I imagine once the feelings settle in there may be some anger from stepson about the whole situation, as in the unfairness of it all so do expect that.

Omg I’m fucking crying 😭
you sound amazing OP

this boy now has a bigger family and more people to love him

your doing everything right going at both the boys paces

I would hold back on the driving licence/ passport thing. There are other ways to get him ID if that is what they are for. A driving licence and passport indicate other things like driving lessons and holidays, it doesn’t sound as though his mum is in a position to provide those and unless you are willing to fund them I wouldn’t raise them as a possibility.

As others have said concentrate on building a relationship. A similar thing happened to friends of mine, he had a short lived fling at university and didn’t realise a child was the result until twenty plus plus years later. They had no other children, and it all worked out surprisingly well, a ready made set of grandchildren came with the unexpected adult /child. I think the difference was the offspring ( seems silly to call them a child) was a confident adult with their own established strong relationship and a successful professional career , so they could concentrated on building their own emotional relationship.

Respectfully, and I say this while already thinking you have already been very supportive ❤️, try to let your husband navigate this. He must feel a huge amount of guilt though he shouldn’t, and while you can advise, you are best taking a step back and letting him take the reins.

I wish you all well. It was lovely to read your information.

He doesn't want to take the reigns. He has no idea how to navigate it either. He wants to do it as a family. If his son wants time with just him etc to bond we have made it clear that will happen, but at present he wants to get to know us all :)

You all sound lovely.

Agree with others, baby steps, spend time together, get him things if he needs them, but don’t go flashy. Once relationship established introduce big things like driving licence, maybe a holiday, offer to help him train in a chosen field or go back to school. If he’s not had the best upbringing he may not have had the best education and not have the confidence to go with it. Make sure the offers there without making him feel shit, not that I think you will but he may feel like that.

Also make sure your DH understands that lavishing his new DS with gifts may not make your joint DS feel good, so again baby steps.

You sound like you have a good DH, not many would step up as he has x

Edited - I’d also be wary of any childhood trauma that may need addressing. This may show up slowly as your relationship progresses. Right now he’s happy but that could easily turn to anger and resentment he’s had to wait 17years for this new life.

This. The more you give him, the more it will skew the relationship. My daughter is the example here - she adores her dad but he only gave her 'stuff' and it made her blind to what he actually did to her, which wasn't nice. So, concentrate on the relationship instead of moulding him to be a cookie cutter son. Forget the 'Disney stuff dad', just be a dad

Of course, I just meant if your husband wants to buy him stuff then I think that’s a pretty natural response and to just follow his lead. I really hope you all work this out happily ❤️

I don't see why he should "take the reins". It's an extremely different situation to most step children. He's entering a fully formed family, so he needs to be dealt with by the family.

Usually, the step parent is the one entering the family and needs to let the other parent keep charge so as not to upset the apple cart. This is different. He needs to belong to your family as a whole. OP's husband has also not found the OP to do the job of parenting his first child (which often happens!). So there isn't much reason to step back and they have a child together already. They're already a set as far as parenting goes. Though I would make sure they do get one on one time together (as I would with any child).

Souls are only a thing if you’re religious and believe in some unevidenced innate essence that survives death. At 17, with what sounds like a comparatively impoverished one-parent upbringing, having just got a list of potential fathers from his mother, he’s probably confused and dealing with all kinds of conflicting emotions — happiness at discovering a father who is happy to acknowledge him, fear that it’s too good to be true, excitement at being given all this stuff, but also, potentially, suppressed guilt, resentment, anger, complex feelings towards both parents and his ‘new’ half-brother who’s had a wealthier and happier upbringing.

He absolutely may attempt to press buttons or nudge boundaries, but that won’t be because there’s anything wrong with his ‘soul’, it will be because he’s young, confused and on uncharted territory. Adopted people tracing their birth families are advised to access specialist counselling for good reason. It might be worth considering whether he might benefit from some.

Oh what a lovely thing OP, it sounds wonderful for him to have you being so supportive.
I would agree with previous posters ,slowly slowly. Don't iverdo the gifting and spending just yet, give him time to process and for you all to get to know each other. But don't go crazy, tou don't know rverything about him yet and like any new relationship it will take time and possibly a few arguements along the way to get really comfortable with being in each others lives.
There may be things and viewpoints you find you disagree on, he and you all may go through a range of emotions, youre all happy now but any of you could suddenly feel at times resentful or depressed and you should be prepared for that too. Its a huge thing for you all to process.

I've spoken to husband after reading all these posts and suggested we bring it up to do it not as a 'you're this new child thing' but as a WTF we are all navigating this new thing together lets get some help doing it thing, just as we would learning a new job. x

It's actually very lovely how you have both reacted to this, and offered to do things for him.
It's going to take some time to adjust
But might be all lovely and work out in the end.

What would you suggest having been in this situation, or more so what would have helped you?

Wow. Firstly, how amazing are you!!! Lucky lad coming into your family. I agree, slowly, slowly. I think buying him a few clothes items and trainers are fine but I would let the relationship build before passport/provisional licence.

Good luck