Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Met Step Son for the first time!

187 replies

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:02

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

OP posts:
DuskyPink1984 · 08/04/2025 12:42

Gosh, this is so lovely and put a bit of a tear in my eye. You sound like amazing people! Wishing you all every happiness.

Whooowhooohoo · 08/04/2025 12:44

Bio mum … jeez. The “maintenance” not being paid is on her, no idea why she was needing to be stoic and not involving dad even if it was 3 men possible.

IMO- you DH needs to build relationship with son. He does not need to build with bio mum. There is no point now. She will be a waste of emotional energy now, maybe later, but defo not now.

He needs to have his NI number I think to get the driver id. Its all on gov.uk

Myonlysunshine123 · 08/04/2025 12:58

Ah I've teared up a bit at this, he sounds like he does want time rather than things. You all sound lovely and welcoming but the mum has also done her best I hope so she'd have saved etc to buy him those worn out shoes.

pinkstripeycat · 08/04/2025 12:59

redphonecase · 08/04/2025 10:03

We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

You're presumably not going to do that without (a) checking with his mum first and (b) planning to pay for driving lessons?

It’s not possible for OP and DH to apply for a passport without the mother’s input anyway. The driving licence has nothing to do with her once the child is 17. It’s his own business.

ClearPinkPlum · 08/04/2025 13:02

I would also say don’t get over excited about this yet.

They may make a claim for back dated child support, all kinds of things can happen

Good luck, but also be careful.

Rarely will a long lost or unknown child suddenly arrive without some upset.

ClearPinkPlum · 08/04/2025 13:03

Don’t go throwing money at him, you will resent it when he expects it.

pinkstripeycat · 08/04/2025 13:05

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:51

It is more so the young man has no form of ID. Can't open his own bank account or anything of the sort x

Show quote history

You don’t need a passport or a drivers licence to open a bank account. You do need a birthday certificate for a passport and you can open a bank account with a birth certificate. He should have been able to do this already.

My kids only got passports aged 15 & 16 but have had bank accounts since they were born and all I used was their birthday cert 😊

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 08/04/2025 13:08

Having grown up with slightly similar situation, I think the main thing is to realise that the DSS might have a few issues crop up around abandonment, feeling that he needs to be perfect, or pushing boundaries to test the bond and you should be prepared for that. Lots of time spent together and not backing away the moment he’s not this perfect boy - he’s only 17 after all! Just being prepared that it may be rocky waters but if you can navigate that and show that your love won’t go away and that he is a real son in terms of unconditional love, then everything will turn out okay.

SheridansPortSalut · 08/04/2025 13:09

There's a lot of "we" and "us" in your post. It's wonderful that you are approaching things as a team but be prepared to take a step back so that father and son can develop their own relationship. I'm actually surprised that you were at their first meeting. It's all happening very fast.

CheekySnake · 08/04/2025 13:09

I am with the posters who have said to slow down on the shopping, and stop the fixation on his trainers. No driving licence or driving lessons. That isn't how you build a relationship, assuming that's what you want long term. Your priority shouldn't be his footwear. It's the least important thing. And TBH, it makes it about money, and nothing sours a fragile relationship quite like money.

A bomb has just gone off in your family, whether it feels positive at the moment or not. I would be proceeding slowly and carefully, probably with professional help (as someone else has said). There is so much to unpack here. You are all strangers to each other. He needs some time alone with your DH first, maybe coffee or a meal out or a walk, and this becoming a regular but low pressure thing. It might take 6 months before he's ready to build some sort of relationship with the rest of you. That's OK. You've got time.

(For background - I had a sibling I knew nothing about show up when I was a similar age to your DS from the sounds of it. It is amazing at first and you have all these hopes and expectations which TBH exist only in your head. It can go south v, v quickly).

BexAubs20 · 08/04/2025 13:14

Wow! Crazy that the mum has let him get to this age without trying to find out who his father is! It sounds like you and your husband would have provided a nice life for him too if you had of known. Very sad but hopefully a happy ending! I think communication is key here but if mum doesn’t want to talk to you then what can you do? I’d say let your husband do what makes him and his son happy and you and mum stay out of it. If she pipes up she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on because she had a “list” of potentional dads (not shaming here btw) but she could have given that list sooner and she’s deliberately kept his dad out of his life then when he’s found him his self she’s giving no support or assistance in nurturing the relationship or communicating with you soooo

angielizzy1 · 08/04/2025 13:28

viques · 08/04/2025 10:58

I would hold back on the driving licence/ passport thing. There are other ways to get him ID if that is what they are for. A driving licence and passport indicate other things like driving lessons and holidays, it doesn’t sound as though his mum is in a position to provide those and unless you are willing to fund them I wouldn’t raise them as a possibility.

As others have said concentrate on building a relationship. A similar thing happened to friends of mine, he had a short lived fling at university and didn’t realise a child was the result until twenty plus plus years later. They had no other children, and it all worked out surprisingly well, a ready made set of grandchildren came with the unexpected adult /child. I think the difference was the offspring ( seems silly to call them a child) was a confident adult with their own established strong relationship and a successful professional career , so they could concentrated on building their own emotional relationship.

In the UK, if you want a bank account there are no other forms of id acceptable except driving licence and passport as soon as you are 18. My daughter is unable to get a driving license for medical reasons and we had to get her a passport in order to open a bank account. Several banks told her she should get a provisional license even if she didn't intend to drive but sadly it was not possible for her. She has proof of age ID which is called something like citizenship card but that doesn't allow them to get a bank account

Spankmeonthebottomwithawomansweekly · 08/04/2025 13:29

Wrong thread

100percenthagitude · 08/04/2025 13:30

SheridansPortSalut · 08/04/2025 13:09

There's a lot of "we" and "us" in your post. It's wonderful that you are approaching things as a team but be prepared to take a step back so that father and son can develop their own relationship. I'm actually surprised that you were at their first meeting. It's all happening very fast.

Edited

I find it less surprising @Larrythelobster87 was at the first meeting given that there was very limited history with her DH and the lad's mum.

But I agree, the "we" and "us" is wonderful and the team work is heartening.

Expect twosteps forward, three steps back, I'd say. Your are all going to get ALL the emotions at some point. Definitely family counselling a good idea.

The best of love and luck x

angielizzy1 · 08/04/2025 13:33

pinkstripeycat · 08/04/2025 13:05

You don’t need a passport or a drivers licence to open a bank account. You do need a birthday certificate for a passport and you can open a bank account with a birth certificate. He should have been able to do this already.

My kids only got passports aged 15 & 16 but have had bank accounts since they were born and all I used was their birthday cert 😊

Show quote history

That is the case when you are younger and a birth certificate is fine(usually plus parents ID) my daughter couldn't get a bank account without getting a passport when she is 18. We tried lots of banks and they all said she needed a driving license or passport despite her having childrens accounts. She also really struggled to be able to claim those childrens accounts in her own name due to no suitable ID.

EachandEveryone · 08/04/2025 13:38

I think before you spend anymore money have a career discussion with him am see what you can do to support him. He might be some guidance finding an apprenticeship or funding for a tutor. Not many teenagers will want to be pinned down but if you carry on buying him stuff it will make it look too easy for him and working might fall by the wayside.

i also agree that some counselling is needed and this is the honeymoon period. I hope every thing turns out well for you though.

onyourway · 08/04/2025 13:39

For much later, it may be sensible for him to track down his Child Trust Fund - there are so many in this age group who had no idea that they had a CFT set up for them by the gov.

https://www.gov.uk/child-trust-funds

Child Trust Fund

Child Trust Fund accounts - find a lost account, how to make payments, managing the account

https://www.gov.uk/child-trust-funds

GrannyNannyMagratandGreebo · 08/04/2025 13:40

Throwitaway12345 · 08/04/2025 11:32

Personally, if I was your husband, I'd be sending a letter to his son's mother. Nothing judgemental, no blame, just simply thank you for raising such a wonderful young man, and that he will always be greatful. Happy to be in his life, and the doors always open to her too sort of thing. Then ask her bank details for setting up child support until son turns 18/leaves education. This letter is where he can say he's intending to get a provisional/driving lessons sorted for his son, to keep her in the loop. If he gets no response that's fine, but I think it would be important. Contact between parents certainly isn't necessary at this age, but certainly regarding a passport I think his mother might be concerned this means you are about to whisk him away or something.

Fab idea

ImABitchImALover · 08/04/2025 13:41

I would personally just be open with him, make sure he knows you’re there and ready to build that relationship with him. Tell him that you’re willing to help with anything he needs and give HIM the choice as to whether he wants to talk to you about it/ask for those things.

I wouldn’t rush in, just let him know that you’re ready when he is and let him take the lead.

Overhaul54 · 08/04/2025 13:52

I think it's lovely too!

My DS has not met his dad or grandparents but met with his auntie when he was 15.
They are now quite close and he really enjoys seeing the other side of his family - they are very different to mine!

rainbowunicorn · 08/04/2025 14:07

pinkstripeycat · 08/04/2025 12:59

It’s not possible for OP and DH to apply for a passport without the mother’s input anyway. The driving licence has nothing to do with her once the child is 17. It’s his own business.

Show quote history

The step son can apply for it himself from the age of 16. All he needs is his birth certificate and his mothers birth certificate. If for any reason he didn't have access to these they can both be ordered online for a small fee. OP and her husband could give him the money to do this and guide him through the process without any input from the bio mother if necessary.

EmmaEmEmz · 08/04/2025 14:14

angielizzy1 · 08/04/2025 13:28

In the UK, if you want a bank account there are no other forms of id acceptable except driving licence and passport as soon as you are 18. My daughter is unable to get a driving license for medical reasons and we had to get her a passport in order to open a bank account. Several banks told her she should get a provisional license even if she didn't intend to drive but sadly it was not possible for her. She has proof of age ID which is called something like citizenship card but that doesn't allow them to get a bank account

Show quote history

Not quite true. My husband doesn't have either a driving license or a passport so has a citizen card and was able to open two bank accounts with high street banks with no problem using the citizen card.

Exasperated24 · 08/04/2025 14:29

Aww OP. I was in a very similar situation.

I received a message via Facebook one day from a young man (20 at the time) stating he thought my then husband was his father.

One look at his pic and I knew he was. We had two young children together and in the message his son said he wasn’t expecting anything but he’d seen we’d had children and that they’d be his half siblings.

I was delighted as my then husband was estranged from his own family and I was just thrilled my kids would have someone else on their dad’s side to get to have a relationship with.

Then-husband and I met the young man together and he was just lovely.

His mum had actually told him that his dad was dead but over the years, due to things his other family members said, he began to think it wasn’t true.

He had a hard upbringing with a toxic mother and just wanted answers. She eventually gave him his name and he did some digging and found me.

Loooonnngg story short DNA test was done and parentage was confirmed.

Then-husband and I are now divorced and my ‘step son’ (don’t call him that as me and his dad aren’t together) have a very good relationship and he has no relationship with his dad due to his dad’s similar toxicty to his mother.

She knew her son had found us and like your young man’s mum said she didn’t want any involvement. In the few years my ex and his son had some sort of relationship, he and the boy’s mum had no contact at all.

I guess through all my (very outing) rambling what I’m trying to say is my ex-husband’s son was lovely then and is still lovely now so I’m hoping for the same for you ❤️

I’m so lucky he and his wife and new baby are in mine and my children’s lives ❤️

Good luck, it could be so amazing for you all.

wineosaurus4 · 08/04/2025 14:32

Tbry24 · 08/04/2025 09:31

He doesn’t need gifts and stuff. He needs to slowly build a relationship with his biological father. That means his father needs to see him alone without you.

Did you mean to sound like such a dick?

ballettap · 08/04/2025 14:38

can I defo come back to the house and hang out with you guys after.

This brought a tear to my eye! The wee soul😭

You sound like a great family and I'm so happy for this boy that that's the case. It would have been so awful for him to be rejected.