Met Step Son for the first time!

[Larrythelobster87]

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

OP - amazing job! Your attitude and outlook on having a bonus son are so awesome and refreshing. Do whatever makes you happy and I am so heartwarmed there are people like you in the world who embrace these kinds of new situations. I wish you and your family all the very best.

Give him time with his dad and siblings not lots of stuff . By all means gift him stuff but not in huge amounts . Because as you say might upset his mum and because it might create a dependency or expectative of material stuff . In time if issues appear then your husband won’t know if contact is for stuff or a true relationship .
Follow what this boy wants contact wise , but don’t hound him with contact either .
Good luck and have some time yourself to come to terms with this . It’s a massive change for everyone , this kid , your kid , your husband and you .

I’ve really nothing to add as I have zero experience but you and your husband sound like wonderful people and I think this young lad is lucky to have you in his life.

I love that you are respectful of his mum and her choices too - especially if it was a quick fling thing.

I have no idea how this will pan out for you all but I know you’ll do whatever is best and this young man is lucky to have another family who care about him as well as being respectful to the only other family he’s known.

Wow — what a huge, emotional shift for your family, and you're navigating it with so much compassion and thoughtfulness. Honestly, you're doing better than you probably even realise.
First off, it’s completely normal to feel unsure right now. You’ve had a life-changing moment dropped into your lap, and it’s a lot to process — emotionally, logistically, relationally. But the way you’ve both approached this already shows how grounded and emotionally intelligent you are. You’re not just reacting, you’re thinking it through, and that’s everything.
Your husband stepping up, not denying or deflecting, and you standing right beside him? That’s massive. It sounds like you’re handling this with empathy not just toward this young man, but toward each other, and even toward his mother — and that says a lot.
You're absolutely right to want to take things slowly. Relationships take time to build — especially one as loaded as this. Yes, your husband may feel guilt, and a natural urge to "make up for lost time," but you’re wise to pace it. Offering emotional security and consistency is worth far more in the long run than buying everything all at once. He doesn’t need to be compensated; he needs to feel seen, accepted, and loved. The rest can follow.
About the mum — it’s thoughtful that you’re considering her feelings, and your instinct is a good one. Even if she doesn’t want contact, she’s still part of this boy’s story, and a bit of quiet respect for what she’s done so far will probably go a long way (even if it’s not acknowledged).
As for the passport, license, etc. — such amazing gestures — but maybe wait a little, as you said, until the relationship feels more secure. You’ll get a better sense from him what he wants and needs too.
You’ve also just opened your hearts and your family to a new person, which takes incredible courage. Don’t feel pressure to get everything perfect — there’s no script for this. Just keep doing what you’re already doing: communicating openly, showing care, listening, checking in with each other and with him.
Also — you might find a family counsellor or therapist helpful down the line. Not because there’s anything wrong, but just to have support while you all navigate this new chapter together.
And finally — that moment between the two brothers? That gave me chills. What a powerful beginning.
You’ve got this. One step, one conversation, one weekend at a time. 💛

Ah this is lovely :)

This is such a refreshing thread OP. You all seem to be handling this so well. Kudos to you for your acceptance and level headedness in what must be a mind blowing situation. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Well done to you and your husband for welcoming him. You are good people.

You hear so many stories which unfortunately are not like this where the child is basically told by their biological parent (and family) they are not interested. The child ends up regretting they made contact. In your case he is a lucky young man to meet lovely people. Best of luck to you all OP.

Your DH would be unwise to set himself up as Lord Bountiful, for a number of reasons. He may feel he has things to make up for, but trying to do it all at once, and only ‘seeing’ his newly discovered son, can easily backfire.

It would also be wise to pay attention to your own children, and the impact of all this on them. This isn’t all just about your DH and stepchild. Your children’s feelings may be complicated, positive and negative, and they need support too. Don’t shut them down if they express anything other than positivity and enthusiasm, allow them time, and a forum, in which to process.

Whilst not having the childhood he would have had with your DH in it, it sounds like his Mum has brought up a lovely young man with lots of emotional intelligence. That’s not easy to do as a single parent in todays world.
Could you maybe ask SS what his mum likes and maybe fund something for SS to do with Mum alone as a thank you for supporting SS in finding his Father. Even dinner out or even just a bunch of flowers may make a difference to both of them in processing the impact of your lovely family coming into their lives.
It can’t have been easy for her on her own or an easy decision to support him looking for his DF, but she is clearly putting her son first now.
As others have said, it’s a marathon not a sprint, and some small gestures can make a lifetime of difference.

Imagine how great Christmas is going to be, has he ever had a proper family Christmas? Or even small things like an advent calendar?

Our story is very similar, and I referred to it on the current ‘getting on with in-laws’ thread. Adding a bit more detail here.

DS2 had a son when he was 20 and GF slightly younger. Neither of them wanted DS to be part of the child’s life which meant neither were included. I found this hard; I used to walk in town looking at boys wondering if they could be my grandson. But DH and I felt we had to respect the wishes of DS and his GF.

When this DGS was 19 his mum pointed out to him that our DS was playing in a local pub and could be his father. DGS sent pals to the pub with a note to give to DS saying ‘I think you are my father, would you like to meet?

They did so the next day then DS asked if he could bring DGS to meet us.

Of course we were thrilled!

DGS has been a much loved part of our family ever since. DS has two younger kids, so he told them that they were going to meet their half brother. They took this perfectly calmly, apparently lots of kids at school have half brothers. They adore him and he them, he is a great model and example for them.

DGS is a clever hardworking young man who, over the 13 years he has been part of the family has had good well paid jobs and has bought a house with his GF, who has a professional job of her own.

Sadly his mum still does not want to have any contact with us, but that is her choice and she is entitled to it. She is happily married with two young daughters. However, which may seem a little strange, we are very friendly with her dad. DGS’s mum and stepdad did a brilliant job raising him, we are very grateful and impressed.

DGS gets on very well with his dad’s partner, and even with his former partner, mother of his two other children.

We never felt the need to buy DGS any clothes or similar but we have always included him on family holidays to the Caribbean and skiing, Christmas and birthday celebrations etc.

We are incredibly lucky that events which at first were shocking and upsetting turned out so happily.

I hope everything works out just as well for Larrythelobster8

This is so lovely. My father always knew about me but signed me away as soon as he could and paid pennies for as short as he could. He told me he'd call the police if I rang him again after two calls so to read a father is being a father is wonderful.

Perhaps this has been mentioned, but does your husband’s son have any siblings, step or half? His family dynamic could play a big part going forward.

I so rarely post on MN, but have to in this case - I keep welling up too. You sound like Buddy's step-mum in Elf - she was totally made up when she found out about Buddy (luckily your DH not like Buddy's dad!)
Poor new SS and poor DH - they must feel robbed of all those formative years. Second what other people have said about his bravery.

Hope it all works out brilliantly for you all

You sound like such a lovely lady.Lucky young man.

Oh, I think I didn't explain well!

We don't do 'first born' stuff in my family either! I don't even know what that would be tbh 😂but I was very surprised how much it knocked me to not be something that I'd never really realised I was, just was by default. I'm very close to DPs and usually can talk about anything, but this was just next level awkward.

I was the only daughter, and now I'm not. I was the oldest, and now I'm not. I was the mother of my DPs first and only grandchild, DGMs first and only great grandchild, and now I'm not.

And I told my DPs that it was all great, and of course I was excited to meet her, and all the things you're supposed to say. And it was true, but also they were all excited and I really didn't feel like I could burst that bubble and say 'actually, this is weird and while it's a good thing, it's also making me feel a bit crap, and I can't explain why'

This all sounds amazing but a word of caution - do not let your own son get sidelined - he still needs time and love and attention too. I'm sure you are bearing this in mind but it's very easy to get swept up in the initial emotion of all this but you need to keep grounded for your son

This made me tear up. He sounds lovely and you are all going to enjoy getting to know one another. Good luck x

I was thinking about his mum. People are talking about Christmas etc but he may feel very conflicted. I know she doesn’t want anything to do with you but perhaps you can write to her in a very neutral way too. I think reflecting on the fact that she has done everything for him (not dwelling on the not being informed bit as I can imagine how it would be difficult to have to approach several people to figure that out - not making an excuse but not useful right now). Just acknowledging her how she has been his parent etc and how you want to support and validate her role and if there comes a time to have any interaction you would welcome that. I’d get a good systemic/family therapist even for you as a couple to start with just to keep thinking about things as they present.

Tbh we only have his word that he's told his mum. He's said she doesn't want anything to do with it apparently. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't told her.

Yes. And adding to what you say about taking care with building the brother relationship….They will have very different backgrounds. Possibly your DS is more sheltered and younger too…. Even if SS is a lovely boy, the exhilaration of having a brother/ trying to impress/bond could lead to some crazy stuff….

Thanks everyone so much.

We have decided to write mum a letter for the lad to give her. As I said we have no idea about her so also conscious she may not want contact as she doesn't want any angriness from us etc. Just going to write a polite letter thanking her for enabling him to find us and explaining that we are more than happy to help financially whilst he is still in college and living at home etc. Also going to be very clear that we are going to be an extension on his family, not looking to take over anything in anyway whatsoever but that we will also make him feel as welcome as possible as it's not about all of us and our feelings, the main focus should be on this young lad and all the emotions he is going through.

He can spend as much or as little time as he wants with us as we work through it so if there are any emotions they must be worked through to the benefit of the child. We are I hope quite nice people and we are more than happy to meet her and converse with her even over text if she so chooses. If not, then that's up to her.

He is over on Saturday so we will just chill, he's quite intelligent and old enough I think to discuss us all having some therapy to work through any emotions coming through.

Husband has agreed to chill on the gift giving etc especially as his son has expressed again this morning via text (we have added him to our family group chat) that he is excited to chill.

Checked in with our son on his feelings, he's still just excited lol. But we have stated again if he has any feelings etc to tell us even if he's annoyed. He eye rolled us and said of course. We said to him any emotion is fine as it's such an upheaval any emotion would be totally normal.

Anyway I am rambling. Thanks so much for all your advice.

Sorry to hear that. Not everyone is like OP and her family unfortunately.

Nice update OP. Taking things slowly, or more chilled, sounds great.

When I first met my dad age 28 people loved to insinuate I was there for the money. I never was.
He didn't actually buy me anything and I had been living independently since the age of 15. I felt rubbish that people thought I was there for the money. I just wanted to see what he looked like.
I'm all for helping him with clothes and making up to him and spending time really enjoying becoming a family.

But don't let other people make out he's fallen on his feet or he's lucky yo be getting a pair of trainers off you etc.
He's not lucky he's an illegitimate child and that can come with lifelong feelings of you never measuring up to others.
Your post sounds lovely but if anybody starts saying what a lucky lad he is for having some new shoes please nip it in the bud. Kids don't turn up with their hands out begging they just want to see who they are part of.💐