Met Step Son for the first time!

[Larrythelobster87]

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

First of all, what a shock!

Secondly, I think it is great that your husband realises he has a lot of financial stepping up to do and wants to make sure his son is provided for.

It's also amazing that you clerly want to build up a relationship with this lad and that you are both considering the impact on him by not rushing the meeting etc, and taking his mums feelings into consideration as well. Whether he's had a tough upbringing or not due to things she has or hasn't done, being a single parent with no support from dad (because he didn't know, not because he sounds feckless!) must have been tough ans it's great you're recognising this.

I can see why your husband wants to go all out and treat him and give him what he hasn't been able to give him before, but I think you're right to slow ir down, take it day to day and put the main focus on building up the relationship. Even the most materialistic of teenage boys will no doubt appreciate the time and bonding with their dad more than having the money side of it especially as he's actively sought him out.

Good luck with it all op. Slow and steady. It sounds like you're a great family!

Yes to emotional connection.

I bite him to family days out.
invite him to dinner.
Give him an allowance to help toward everyday costs within your budget.

But well done to you and your DH from facing this head on and allowing the boy into your lives - many would have shut themselves and run.

Allowing him to be part of your lives will mean so much.

I have to say what a lovely thread. Made me tear up.

I also think as a PP suggested, that you look at some family counselling. It's all new and shiny at the moment but challenges may start when you all feel a bit more comfortable with each other.

May be better to nip them in the bud with counselling.

You should also think about careers guidance. He's 17 and soon to be an adult. Does he have GCSEs? Is he studying for A-levels and have ambitions for university?
I think he would really appreciate support in figuring out what he wants to do with his life. This will show you care about his long term future and success.

Personally, if I was your husband, I'd be sending a letter to his son's mother. Nothing judgemental, no blame, just simply thank you for raising such a wonderful young man, and that he will always be greatful. Happy to be in his life, and the doors always open to her too sort of thing. Then ask her bank details for setting up child support until son turns 18/leaves education. This letter is where he can say he's intending to get a provisional/driving lessons sorted for his son, to keep her in the loop. If he gets no response that's fine, but I think it would be important. Contact between parents certainly isn't necessary at this age, but certainly regarding a passport I think his mother might be concerned this means you are about to whisk him away or something.

Agree with this. Dont forget him in all the excitement. It's a stranger to your son, to all of you, really, who is now in his life and home.

Also...I've not been in this situation so I could be wrong...but what about sitting down with both boys (they sound like great lads) and being honest in a kind of 'this is all really new and we aren't quite sure how to navigate it and sometimes we might mess up or not do something the right way, so we would really appreciate if you talk to us and if we longer it wrong, let's figure out together how to make it right'

It goes without saying to make sure your younger boy doesn't feel pushed out because even if he's over the moon about having a new brother, it's still a huge thing, but you already know this by the sounds of it and have considered that. Remember teenage boys will have their ups and downs, even if they've grown up together, but so far it sounds really positive.

This is a really good question and I think about it often, not being quite where I’d like to be with my relationship with my father.

So firstly, the fear of rejection was huge so being very aware that my father/ stepmother/ sibling didn’t have to accept me or have any relationship with me and therefore I felt like I needed to always put my best side forward. Time spent with them felt very exhausting as a consequence.

Regular and frequent contact would have helped reassure me I think.

I also think that my father was too reserved in a way, I think he was very cautious with contact and didn’t want to push things whereas I believe it would have worked better for me to have just been included as family from the very beginning. So invited to family occasions invited to see extended family, etc.

Lastly, we are quite different personalities with completely different interests and haven’t really found a common ground. You mentioned theme park trip? If you all love a theme park that could be great! If not then watching the football, or the theatre, music concerts or playing pool? Something that both your stepson and you, his father and brother genuinely like will help further that bond. This could be an activity all together or three separate interests you can do as pairs.

This is a lovely post. I think your right take it at his pace and concentrate on getting to know you all. You say he hasn't had the best upbringing emotionally or financially but he sounds lovely and that won't have happened by chance plus you don't want to create an issue lavishing everything on him that his mum can't afford and creating friction. I wish you all the best :-)

I met my dad for the first time at a similar age.

the scariest part for me was he was suddenly wanting to be ‘family’ and trotting me out to his extended relations, telling me this was my uncle, grandad etc when they absolutely weren’t that to me, it felt so weird.

I also gained a brother and a sister in the process. I have never thought of them as such as they didn’t feel like that to me, because we weren’t brought up together I guess.

the financial stuff I was very grateful for (we were extremely poor) and I did feel he had lots of maintenance to make up for! Difference circumstances though as he refused to pay for me growing up. He was pretty well off, nice cars, expensive holidays, house paid off, own business etc and I found it difficult that my siblings had what that offered when I grew up getting hand me down clothes that were worn out and didn’t fit.

just take his lead.

Sounds like you have become a well rounded emotionally intelligent man. Thankyou so much for your input, it is extremely helpful. x

Buying him stuff also comes across as judgemental of people (including him and his mother) who are poorer and who have fewer material possessions.
I would dress in the same clothes and have your son not be covered in brand names and new runners.

Having good manners means making people feel comfortable and of equal value.

Put your efforts into doing things together, listening to new SS life experiences and making food together etc.

It is so lovely that you, DH and your son are all on the same page as to welcoming the new family member.

I was thinking something along these lines too, and agree that she may appreciate some correspondence. She has clearly given her blessing to find his Dad and is likely very relieved that it is turning out so well. But on the flip side, it may also be a little bittersweet for her when he comes home with his new clothes and trainers full of excitement for his new family and would possibly welcome knowing what the plans are for him.

OP the more I read this thread the more it makes me smile as to how well it has worked out, I am sure you will navigate it all brilliantly

Agree, I think that while he's not had an easy childhood his mum has clearly done a good job of bringing him up as a decent human by herself.

I'd be respectful of that and not go all Disney dad. Spend time with him, go for walks, invite him over for tea, I'd leave the gifts and trips out for a bit.

I am very conscious of this also. Whatever reasons she had for not getting in contact etc are her reasons and whilst unfair to my husband I am of the view of it obviously wasn't meant to be until now. I have no idea about the woman she was a quick fling, my husband doesn't even really remember her so we aren't going to comment on her choices, just focus on the present situation. I have suggested we offer child maintenance after this initial shopping trip (we aren't going to go crazy) just provide the basics (some nicer trainers) definitely though, we are a trainer family 🤐. Don't want it to come across as a one up when that's just who we are.

Oh my goodness. I’m crying on the bus reading your thread @Larrythelobster87

Sounds a perfect way to deal with it, OP

Navigating a very similar situation right now - just a bit behind you. Found out ex dp has a young adult son who has found dad / me on Facebook and is now in touch with my dc. Planning to meet for the first time next month. No desire to meet the father though which is understandable in my opinion. So we will focus on building sibling relationships for the moment.

How wonderful for you all 😊

I'm prepared to be an outlier here and am possibly projecting having been through a number of "highly emotional" family situations but your emphasis on the first meeting being "HIGHLY emotional" does make me wary...I'm not entirely sure I can vocalise why.

I think just be wary of the strong emotions flowing for everyone, I agree your new step son might need professional support navigating this time as a pp alluded to re.adopted children. And you and your husband might too.

High emotions mask a lot of things and it's easy to get swept up but underneath, as others have more eloquently said, there can be a lot of mixed feelings.

I would not be throwing money at him for silly stuff, if your husband feels like he owes him years and years of child maintenance fine ( and good) but I would only be putting it towards something like education etc etc that is actually going to improve the boys long term circumstances.
Give him lots of time and love though, jeepers what an emotional upheaval !

I’d tread carefully it’s exciting and lovely but you don’t know each other and that could change quickly. I would be cautious with finances as you won’t want demands if it went the wrong way. Hoping it’s all positive and stays lovely! I would be wary of treading on his mums toes financially too. She hopefully has done her best with what she had.

I think this is quite sensible. Having an independent body who has experience of this I think is very important to make sure emotions and feelings are channeled in a healthy way for you all. Joint family sessions and one in one for all 4 of you so you can all be heard and work together.

You are in a "honeymoon" phase. Later you may find he's not as lovely a young man as you think - or maybe that he is. Either way take it slowly, you musnt spoil the relationship with his mother.

The insurance costs for a car for a new young driver are very high, Are you going to buy him a car and fund the running costs too? Is he planning on university - if so no immediate need to learn to drive and he can get an identity document in other ways. https://www.pass-scheme.org.uk/ If he isnt planning on uni then write that letter to the mother, mention you are thinking that a driving license is a big asset when seeking work.

Your husband should be looking to support him in education or finding work, you dont need to rush into more then that.

I think modelling imperfect aspects of your own relationships and letting him know it’s not that he is accepted depending on him being good enough. You haven’t said that at all but I think that fear is likely there.

This is such a lovely post. I’m sitting in my work canteen with tears in my eyes! Best of everything to you all