Stepdaughter and holiday

[Tinogirl]

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

This should have been the perfect opportunity for H, to say to SD, that she cant go, she vetos all the family, “adult & children” holidays, & has decided to muscle in on an extended adult work trip.

But it’s your trip?

Why do they get to decide who comes?

Its doing her a disservice too: terrible life lesson

Your work trip. Don't forget the option to have a solo trip without your husband or DSD after the work part.

I wouldn't want to go without my own DD in your situation too.

SD doesn’t have to like your DD or build a relationship with her. It’s not her choice to have a blended family. I assume DH lives with you and your DD so your DD gets SDs dad with her much of the time? Imagine how that feels for SD at 13, envious, feeling rejected and replaced etc.

Your DH shouldn’t be inviting children (any) to your adult holiday without discussion and agreement with you.

SD is not the issue here DH is.

Your husband can stay home with his daughter and you can have a nice relaxing solo holiday 😎.

How selfish she and her mother are. This is a holiday for you and dh before or after a work obligation. Would you have to look after your dsd whilst your dh is working? Tell them no. She can go on holiday with her mother - but the mother would have to pay or does your dh pay for everything?

Don’t make this about your DD. It was meant to be a couple holiday now it isn’t. So if it’s family your DD is your family. Ex is only getting involved because she wants child care. He needs to disinvite or you tell him he goes with her alone.

You can’t force kids to play happy families and as long as both DDs are civil that’s fine. Keep doing what you are doing. You each have DD sole holidays then one family holiday OR couple only. He changed the rules.

Why would she have to look after dsd? Why would her dh be working?

it’s her work trip. She should be focussing on work and absolutely not looking after child.

bringing a child on a work trip would be highly frowned upon in my industry. It’s work. Not a holiday.

I read it that it was the dh who would be working because it’s asked that his daughter comes along.
if it’s the op working then it’s even more outrageous that the ex of her dh would want the dd/dsd to tag along on the work trip of her ex dh partner.

I think the op is on a work trip and tacked the holiday with her DP onto the end

Second post from the o/p

I have to go on the trip in October for work and want a couple’s holiday afterwards, just the two of us

I can see it is a bit annoying that SD is picking and choosing what she wants, but she is 13. I also appreciate that you might have wanted a couples holiday.

However, as a child of divorced parents who always had a room at her dad's and felt very welcome there, I would ask you to think of this from your SD perspective. It sounds like for whatever reason she cannot even stay the night at your house (has to go to MILs). Now your DH wants to welcome her onto a trip and you do not. How would you feel in your SDs place? This is not about whether she also gets lots of lovely holidays with her mother, but about her spending time with her dad and your DH spending time with her. How would you feel if you DH excluded your DD from a trip?

Obviously there are other factors, but I really would consider taking her and then having a couples weekend away separately if possible.

Ok.
Then it’s outrageous.

But DSD gets holidays with her dad and gets invited on family holidays though.

I think she wants to go to the states without DD, and DH hasn't said not this time as I'm joining OP at the end of her work trip, not a family holiday.

But the point is she the op wants an adult only holiday! And why not, just because he has a daughter, who he already sees and takes on holiday doesn’t mean she should come on a holiday that was originally for two adults to spend quality time together

Well her dh is telling her loud and clear his daughters want for a holiday with him comes first over her want to an end of work holiday with him alone.

What about the op and her husband spending quality time together, or is that not allowed in your world?

edited to add the partner already takes her away sepertagely as she doesn’t want to be part of his new family

Go on your work trip by yourself. Enjoy some days before or afterwards by yourself. Let your dh go on holiday elsewhere with his dd.

Personally I would be coming home after the work trip and he can go on holiday with his daughter on his own

whatever people on here say and the SD and her father the fact remains op wanted to spend alone time with her partner, and why not, parents often go away on their own or isn’t that allowed with step children are involved?

the SD gets time on holiday with her father as it is,

She sounds a proper spoilt little brag that has daddy wrapped around her finger; & he’s being spineless for not making a stand years ago he’s still listening to his ex wife & she’s using the brat to play the fiddle to keep daddy dancing to her tune. Tell him to either man up & stand up to his brat or he can go on the second trip alone with said brat

Just say no OP. Either he comes for the couples trip as planned or not at all.

Why though?

I would just leave them to it. You are worth more than being step-dd’s lackey.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

You are allowed to have a trip with your husband without dsd.

And it sounds like dsd’s mum is the one whispering poison into her dd’s ears. What 13yo dsd babysits her 11yo dss?!

I think I wouldn’t go. You’ve always invited sd on your family holidays, you cant invite your dd on this one. I’d say I’ve been thinking about this and it wasn’t a family holiday and doesn’t meet the family holiday category, where we always invite both girls. I won’t be going anymore. I’ll take a few days after my trip to see x but then I’ll come back. It’s a shame, I was looking forward to a holiday with you. But that’s not what you’ve decided.

And as adults it’s our job as parents to change that mindset so that children don’t think that way and can see logic and not only superficial feelings . Every child is affected the moment another one changes med into okay being a new sibling a new step child or any other way dobro e cones to one of your parents households but explaining and making them understand why it happens and that it doesn’t change the live or attention you will give them it’s the parents job .