Stepdaughter and holiday

[Tinogirl]

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

May be controversial but why doesn’t your SD want to be friends with yours? From a child psychology perspective with blended families, sounds like it could be because your daughter is clearly favoured over her, thus these feelings emerging.
Let her go. She’s a child wanting a holiday with her father. You’ll have him all to yourself soon enough

So it ok to reject Ur daughter for whatever reason I n ended a husband and your kids feelings are surplus to that I mean step daughter doesn't like her n has made it clear you made it clear this is acceptable as has new husband everyone dances to stepdaughter tune n Ur kid just has to accept it n keep quiet u not got a husband problem it a u problem in my book Ur poor kid

sds mother needs to be told that in a healthy relationship the adults spend time together, and it’s a joke to think her dd would babysit yours when her dd has barely got the manners to say hello.
a trip to the us is a big deal, it’s not a conference in Brighton. I wouldn’t be taking sd and not my dd. For MY work trip! If she has such amazing holidays he can spend some of them with her. Modelling kind behaviour perhaps.

By amazing I mean such longer holidays

Are you always quite so insufferable ?

It’s a fucking work trip.

she has to work, not piss around catering for a child.

funny how no one seems to think the child has an issue only seeing her mum part time. Only dad. Maybe she’s pissed off at mums new husband as well getting to see her mum more than she does.

from a child psychology perspective this trip is in a location she wants to go to. That is why she’s invited herself.

she gets holidays with her father. She turns some of them downs. If it’s a holiday with her father she wants, she can go on holiday with her father.

she doesn’t get to go on someone else’s work trip because she fancies a trip there.

I think it’s because it’s without the daughter so she doesn’t have to deal with the dynamics that aren’t comfortable. Why is fair enough! Step children shouldn’t have any obligation to enjoy spending time with step siblings. They’ve been thrown together beyond their control and it’s completely normal if they don’t like hanging out together. Sounds like OP is forcing this and punishing SD as she doesn’t want to hang out in a 3 that doesn’t include her own child

Sounds like OP is forcing this and punishing SD as she doesn’t want to hang out in a 3 that doesn’t include her own child

But from what the OP has said, the DH is never prepared to holiday in a 3 that doesn’t include his own child. So, on that basis, this arrangement is really unfair to the OP’s DD. Not to mention the OP, whose trip it is!

You know, biological siblings also don't choose each other and generally just have to go along with family plans that their parents arrange.

That's different. That's their parents, their family. Not someone else's parent, unrelated people.

Maybe he does that because of OPs attitude. We can’t really know and OP is hardly going to admit that if it’s true

Basically SD can opt out of her dad's plans such as family holidays because she has another parent who lives separately. She can just opt in when it's something she really wants to do, whereas children without that setup generally have to rub along with whatever their parents have planned, which is probably what OP'S DD has to do. The fact she can opt out and opt in in that way in general doesn't mean she should be able to invite herself along on OP's holiday. She already has the option to go or not go on family holidays, and holiday with her dad alone.

Agreed. DSD gets plenty of holidays with both her mum and her dad.

OP’s DH is being a knob by ignoring OP’s wishes and telling DSD she can come, especially as it’s OP’s business trip.

If OP has an attitude, why is he tagging along on her business trip?

Even if you have no intention of your daughter coming, would it be worthwhile mentioning to your DSD that if she comes then your DD will also be coming (which may put her off).

This is absolutely genius, definitely do this!!

Think that’s very childish and mean

An attitude when both their DDs are around. Because she’s clearly pissed off that SD isn’t making enough effort with her DD and that would be obvious. She has nothing negative to say about her otherwise

How is the OP the one with an attitude when she’s being guilt tripped into letting her DSD tag along on her business trip even though her own dd isn’t coming?

If DSD is so indifferent to OP, she shouldn’t be tagging along on her step-mother’s trip and should go on the numerous holidays she already goes on with her mum and dad.

Here we go again…

Our chat the other evening got me thinking quite hard about the definition, and meaning, of family- and how different that is for different people!

You’ve spent quite a lot of this thread popping up to remind us all that universally stepfamilies aren’t families.

I liked this definition I found:

networks of people who share their lives over long periods of time, bound by ties of marriage, blood, law, or commitment, legal or otherwise, who consider themselves as family, and who share a significant history and anticipated future of functioning as a family.

It covers the right to decline family, but also validates the commitment / marriage / historical / legal aspect of family.

A million percent this. It's so simple and primal but everybody claims to not understand how important it is to a child when their dad lives full-time with kids that aren't related to them.

kind of the point I’m trying to make, the focus seems on behaviour and the inconvenience of it rather than an effort to understand these kids feelings

“”I have to go on the trip in October for work and want a couple’s holiday afterwards, just the two of us. I have told my DH this but he is delighted his child wants to come.“”

so it’s your work trip ? Then no she can’t come and neither can your husband. Easy. You have dh problem, he needs to learn to say no.