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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and holiday

234 replies

Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:11

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

OP posts:
Hotteas · 07/04/2025 16:37

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Hotteas · 07/04/2025 16:38

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Hotteas · 07/04/2025 16:40

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Dinosweetpea · 07/04/2025 16:41

Just uninvite your DH, if he's not interested in a couples holiday then I wouldn't bother.

Watermill · 07/04/2025 16:42

Waterweight · 07/04/2025 16:37

It doesn't really matter how you feel if your husbands already said yes & your step daughter is used to picking which holidays she goes on ... ?

Your best bet would be to drop out yourself (yes it'll be painful if you've had your heart set on a couples break & even more so if you've spent money on it) but as you've said the dynamic will be different & it'll re-enforce bad behaviour on both him & his sprog

Mate, it’s OPs work trip. She’s the one person who does have to be there.

DH and DSD don’t. I would definitely tell DH he’s no longer welcome in my hotel room.

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 16:43

ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 15:39

I don't see why your stepdaughter should have to be interested in a relationship with your daughter, really, and certainly not in sharing a room with her. They're not related. She's a teenager and your daughter isn't. The only thing they have in common is that SD's dad happened to marry DD's mum.

When I was 13, I don't think I'd have wanted to hang out or share a room with a random 11-year-old, which is effectively what your daughter is to your stepdaughter.

I don't think you should be obliged to take her to the US with you on this occasion, but I do think your DH should probably offer to take her somewhere on his own. I feel quite sorry for her.

She’s not a random 11 year old now though is she because her dad HAS married this child’s mum and now the two girls ARE part of the same family, whether blood related or not. IMO it’s pretty rude to not give the relationship any sort of chance if there’s no bigger story here...

Anyway I voted YANBU to want to have a holiday with your husband without any children.

NancyJoan · 07/04/2025 16:46

Oh, sod that. Go by yourself and have a few solo days at the end.

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2025 16:48

Just say “ah - no thanks. Not if DD can’t come. You do something with SD instead and I’ll save the annual leave and come straight home/add some work onto the end”. By the sound of it, he wouldn’t agree if the tables were turned and you and your DD tagged onto his trip?

Waterweight · 07/04/2025 16:49

Watermill · 07/04/2025 16:42

Mate, it’s OPs work trip. She’s the one person who does have to be there.

DH and DSD don’t. I would definitely tell DH he’s no longer welcome in my hotel room.

Show quote history

"tacked onto a work trip" but I get what you mean

  • still I'd cancel it (the extra hotel nights/plans/delayed return ticket) come straight home & let your mood be an issue
gamerchick · 07/04/2025 16:50

Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:40

The girls are 11 and 13, we have no joint children.

My stepdaughter goes away a lot with her mother and is given every opportunity to come with us but chooses not to come. As a result my husband takes her away in his own. I resent the fact that she now thinks she can come as the destination suits and my daughter won’t be there. .

The trip I am going on with my daughter is a one off.

I have to go on the trip in October for work and want a couple’s holiday afterwards, just the two of us. I have told my DH this but he is delighted his child wants to come.

Then say no and tell him to stay home with his daughter if you're not allowed to have a trip away to just be a couple. Warn him that not paying attention to you both as a couple will eventually suffocate your marriage. It's important to keep the bond.

Your SD not wanting to blend with a step sibling is absolutely fine though.

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 16:52

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 13:21

I can’t see the issue as you are already raking your dd separately. Do you not enjoy your sd company? If you are really against it you could drop out and your dh go with his dd.

I think the issue is that DH never will come on holiday with OP and DD so OP holidays separately with DD and DH holidays separately with DSD. But even though he won't go away with OP and DD without DSD, he thinks it's fine to invite DSD on this holiday he is taking with OP.

To add to that, OP has offered family holidays which have been refused by DSD, which means that OP doesn't get a chance to holiday with her husband as he won't go with DD without DSD.

Why does OP need to play stepmum when DSD wants to come on this holiday, which I assume is because DD isn't coming, when DH doesn't bother playing stepdad and holidaying with DD?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/04/2025 16:56

Tell DH holiday invitation is for him alone. If he wants SD there he has better sort it separately as you will not be having a family (minus your DD) holiday with them.

He can then tell SD no or book it all separately for the two of them and you come home/holiday by yourself.

It really doesn’t sound like this family situation works easily.

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 17:05

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 16:52

I think the issue is that DH never will come on holiday with OP and DD so OP holidays separately with DD and DH holidays separately with DSD. But even though he won't go away with OP and DD without DSD, he thinks it's fine to invite DSD on this holiday he is taking with OP.

To add to that, OP has offered family holidays which have been refused by DSD, which means that OP doesn't get a chance to holiday with her husband as he won't go with DD without DSD.

Why does OP need to play stepmum when DSD wants to come on this holiday, which I assume is because DD isn't coming, when DH doesn't bother playing stepdad and holidaying with DD?

Edited
Show quote history

I see what you mean but she can’t dictate if he takes dsd on hol or not so all she can control is whether she goes or not.

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 17:06

Missed second post yes it’s op work trip so she can uninvite dh if he won’t come alone.

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 17:07

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 17:05

I see what you mean but she can’t dictate if he takes dsd on hol or not so all she can control is whether she goes or not.

Show quote history

Why not? Surely if the holiday was arranged by DH & OP they should discuss before inviting anyone else?

Watermill · 07/04/2025 17:07

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 17:05

I see what you mean but she can’t dictate if he takes dsd on hol or not so all she can control is whether she goes or not.

Show quote history

Yes, she should come straight home and let him pay for accommodation…

If there’s an overlap I would warn him he can’t stay with me.

He is really taking the piss.

orangedream · 07/04/2025 17:12

Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come.

Has he told the child she can come on your trip even though you said no? If so, you have a serious DH problem.

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 17:13

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 17:07

Why not? Surely if the holiday was arranged by DH & OP they should discuss before inviting anyone else?

Show quote history

I missed its op’s work trip so yes she can uninvite. But agree it should be discussed, it doesn’t sound like it is though.

Pherian · 07/04/2025 17:15

Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:11

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

What reason dies she have for not wanting anything to do with you or your daughter?

I have a similar aged step son and they jump at any opportunity to go away with us. Their mom and I have a good relationship.

There was no infidelity involved in my relationship and we met several years after the marriage ended.

What is your relationship like with her mom. How have you spoken about her in the past in front of your step daughter.

Do you treat your step daughter equally to your daughter.

How did you and dad meet and are you his first relationship after the end of the marriage.

Inertia · 07/04/2025 17:15

Husband can take SD separately then, and you just go on your work trip.

Your husband is the problem , as he is allowing add to dictate the terms of everybody’s holiday.

Soontobesingles · 07/04/2025 17:17

I’d tell DH ‘no’ and if he insists say he can take his daughter on his own.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2025 17:18

Looking at it from your dsd’s pov, you live with your dh full time and presuming you are the resident parent, your dh lives with your dd. I suspect your dsd feels replaced by your dd.

Personally I would support your dh in this. I appreciate it wasn’t what you both envisioned. He gets plenty of 121 time with your dd. This is your chance to spend some 121 with his dd.

You never know, this could breed a better future for her and you as perhaps some green shoots to be part of a blended family. At 13, she’s starting to come out of the most difficult black and white thinking phase of tween/teen development.

Maybe you could both love bomb her into thinking that you’ve had the best time ever with her and you’d like to do that more often. You never know. She may start to let her guard down a little with your dd.

It sounds as though she’s been influenced quite heavily by her mum. She’s only 13, that’s still really, really young.

Soontobesingles · 07/04/2025 17:19

I also missed it was OP’s work trip. In which case I’d tell DH it’s us alone or he doesn’t come. Last thing she wants is a child centred break after an overseas work trip. No way. I’m raging for you OP. Don’t back down on this one.

SJM1988 · 07/04/2025 17:19

You are not unreasonable purely because it is your work trip and invited your DH. You didn't invited either your or DH's child.

You have a DH problem if he doesn't listen to no when it is your work trip.

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2025 17:20

Your SD not wanting to blend with a step sibling is absolutely fine though.

I do agree with this - fine that she wants to see her dad on his own and not with someone else’s DD all the time. But as a result, they haven’t blended the family and so she doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it by going on her stepmother’s work trip. (Not in any vindictive way - just that’s not the way their set up works - at the SD’s behest).