Stepdaughter and holiday

[Tinogirl]

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

Do you need suggestions for special things to do with your DD … that you won’t do with SD?
Start a new chat with the destination & time of year.
On the SD holiday, make time for yourself & do family things you want to do … that aren’t special for SD.

be selfish.

If it's your work trip he can't just decide his kid comes along too!

If you WANTED your stepdaughter to come along on this trip, I'd say it's perfectly reasonable for her to be invited even if your daughter can't come and wrong to disinvite SD BECAUSE D won't be going, especially as D will have another holiday.

However, you DON'T want SD to come, so she isn't invited.

Ignore the comments from SD's mother - they make no sense (13 isn't old enough to babysit, and SD is avoiding D anyway so would make a horribly inept babysitter!) but more importantly, it's none of her business and she has no say.

You could try telling SD that D is coming after all and the two will be sharing a room as there's no other space, and see if SD backs out.😁

How much time does your step daughter get to spend with her father without your daughter there? Because that time matters.

Well, obviously, he can if OP lets him. I’m saying I think she should let him. His life is built around her and her DD to the disadvantage of the DSD and this is not an unreasonable way for her to reciprocate a tiny amount.

Not really... He doesn't go on holiday with OP and DD. He holidays separately with his DD instead. This trip is a chance for OP to actually holiday with her husband, who refuses to holiday with OP and DD when DSD refuses to go, so he goes away with her instead

I think this is definitely a DH problem.

^His life is built around her and her DD to the disadvantage of the DSD*

It didn’t read like that to me; it struck me that he was very much “Mum’s husband” to the OP’s DD rather than a (step)father figure and that his life was based very firmly around seeing his own DD. Nothing wrong with that, but then they aren’t a blended family and then perfectly understandable if the OP doesn’t want to holiday with his child when she knows full well he won’t go with just her and hers…..

Sorry - quotation fail - was trying unsuccessfully to quote @RawBloomers . Sorry!

His life is built around her and her DD to the disadvantage of the DSD was what should have been highlighted…..

Yeah I think it's one thing for him to put his DD feelings first and holiday with her rather than expecting her to go on family holidays with OP and her DD. But quite another to then insist she joins his and OP's couple's holiday without OP's DD.

Sounds like OP is already compromising enough by never having the family holidays she wants to have. If he is not going to make that happen surely he should at least go on holiday with his wife occasionally.

They aren’t leaving DD at home because DSD doesn’t want anything to do with her, they are leaving DD at home because she has school.

DSD doesn’t like DD. That’s not her fault. It’s not some awful character flaw that OP has a right to think badly of her about. She didn’t get to look around at all the kids to find the one she liked most and then insist her dad made a life with the kid’s mother.

DH spends virtually all his life with OP and her DD. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his wife should spend a tiny amount of time with him and his DD.

There’s also nothing unreasonable about a childfree couple’s holiday, but there isn’t nearly as much flexibility to do this with DSD as there will be to arrange a couple holiday at some point in the future, hence my suggestion that on this occasion the DSD should be prioritised.

In the sense that he was a git and a pretty awful father for marrying into a family where his DD didn’t get on with the other child - I very much agree.

I don’t know why a woman would want to go on holiday with a man like that, let alone marry him and have him around her own DD 24/7.

Edited (pressed post too soon): but she apparently feels that isn’t a terrible character flaw. She is happy to have him with her and her DD and away from his own DD most of the time. Giving up a few days couples holiday is a relatively tiny sacrifice in comparison.

I don't really get how a child gets to decide to go on a couple's holiday having refused to go on family holidays and been taken on holidays by her dad instead?

I don't think there's any harm in saying this is a break just for adults. Otherwise you might end up with this happening every year - OP holidays with DD, DH holidays with DSD but then DSD also decides she wants to come on any holiday DH & OP arrange without DD?

If it’s a work trip how is it affected?

are they funding it?

when I used to go away with work they were happy for partners to go as no extra costs re. Hotel rooms. Children were a no though as it’s work, so a distraction, and family rooms cost more than a double.

There’s often social events which are fine for partners but not children.

id simply say no, it’s work, it’s me and a partner only. If he won’t come without Sd he doesn’t come.

he can take her at some other point. They don’t have to go on your work trip.

Yeah it doesn't sound great, does it.

This! You have a DH problem. Uninvite him and enjoy some alone time at the end of your work trip.

I agree it’s perfectly reasonable to expect OP to spend time with him and his DD sometimes. Asides from the fact it’s her work trip… a holiday to America is a huge exciting, expensive experience, it’s a bit different to an afternoon out isn’t it. In my opinion, if both of the adults are present, all of the children or none of the children should be invited. OP would be failing her own daughter by not inviting her - school or not! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Doesn’t the stepdaughter have school?

why would an 11 year old be in school but not the 13 year old?

why would an 11 year old be in school but not the 13 year old?

My DDs go to different schools and the holidays aren’t always aligned. Could be a case of that? Or DSD is in a private school with longer holidays and DD isn’t?

Duh just reread o/p and she says sd has longer holidays.

This. A million times over.

'i'm on a work trip, darling. Your daughter can't come, it's not appropriate.' The end.

There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his wife should spend a tiny amount of time with him and his DD.

The only person preventing that is DSD herself. She rarely stays at OP's home and refuses to go on holiday with OP. If DH thinks his wife and daughter ought to spend time together, he needs to address that.

There'd be absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his DD should spend a tiny amunt of time with OP at her home, would there?

I recognise your user name, from your previous threads. I think the issues with your step daughter are a lot more complex than what you have presented here.

@GailPlattsDeadHusband i don’t recognise your username but I absolutely love it 🤣

They're not though. They're not related. Adults decide to get married and then decide their children are now family...those children don't have to agree. You can't force children to accept relationships that they don't want.

YANBU

You are entitled to an adult holiday, it’s good for your relationship.

Id be very pissed if if I were you and would not go along with this