Stepdaughter and holiday

[Tinogirl]

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

I don't think she has decided, presumably her dad asked her and she said yes otherwise she wouldn't even know about it.

They aren’t full siblings by blood, no. I don’t share blood with my dads brothers wife, but she’s still my auntie?!

They ARE step-siblings, their parents are married now. One or both children may not like it, can’t help not liking it, asserts their right to reject it. But it doesn’t make it any less true!

Totally reasonable for you to want a couple’s trip. Tell hubby he can take her there on his next trip with her.
What is SD like when it’s just you and her dad with her? Are you likely to be ‘left out’ of your own trip plans?

I didn’t mean he took on the father role for OP’s DD, but that his home life is with OP and her DD. He chose to move in with a family his own DD does not feel comfortable with to the extent that she won’t visit. A meal once a week, a bit of driving around, a monthly stay at his parents, and holidays when his DW goes off with her own DD. But day in day out he’s in a house with OP and her DD. That’s not a life built around his DD. It’s a life built around OP that he tries to fit his DD into a bit.

He may not go on holiday with her, but he spends quite a lot of time without his DD and with OP and her DD. Yet OP won’t spend a few days with her DH and his DD on one occasion, because she wants a couple’s holiday (which isn’t a bad thing in itself, but seems somewhat selfish in this instance given the amount of time her DH spends apart from his DD so that he can be with OP).

They aren't siblings at all. They're related by their parents marriage, you can't make them care about each other.

Too many parents just expect their kids to fall in line and blend, and why should they?

That would be pretty bitchy given the dynamic between the girls.

We almost agree. 😂

As you’ve just pointed out they are related by their parents marriage! That IS the definition of a step - sibling. It’s not the same as a biological sibling, but they do now have parents that are married, meaning they are step-siblings?

I also agree you can’t MAKE them care about one another, or value that in any way if they don’t want to. You can’t insist biological siblings care about one another either?! (Although granted it’s often easier!)

My husbands MIL is still my MIL? I might not like her, but it doesn’t change the fact that she exists as part of the family tree when you write it all down!

Anyway, I fear we are driving this thread wildly off course!

You’re entitled to your opinion but it wouldn’t be malicious in any way to me!

For me, the whole family goes and tries to get along, which it seems is not possible. Or they continue with their separate holidays with their children / do an adults only holiday. It’s a trip to America, not a lunch out - I think it would be very unfair to the child left behind for both adults to take one of the children and not invite both.

We don't. You seem to think step sibling means something ..it doesn't. It's not a sibling.

Your husband's mil is your mother, btw.

Hahaha yes my apologies - of course my husbands MIL is my mother! 😂 It’s getting late and I’m bowing out after that clanger - I’m sure you understand what I was getting at…😂😂

We disagree that the term step sibling has no meaning. It might hold no value to you but it is a recognised term.

his daughter comes first, just like your daughter should come first. plan a holiday alone when both girls are at school and stop competing with you step daughter!! PS she doesn’t have to get along with your daughter.

OR since the girl is off school she comes along and the grown up step mum plans a separate holiday when kids in school

I would back out OP. Let them go together. The holiday will be miserable if it's the three of you. The problem is obviously your DH- not the SD. She just needs clear boundaries and to be taught some basic manners.

@bigvig she can’t back out 😀 It’s her work trip!! She will be going regardless.

She kindly offered to share her room with her DH and to stay on a few days so they could have a nice couples break. DH doesn’t want/appreciate this, and has invited his DD along.

OP is perfectly within her rights to rescind her invitation to DH, and absolutely within her rights to say she wanted some couple time, so neither DD nor DSD invited.

At this point, I don’t think it’s salvageable and she should just enjoy her business trip alone. DH has ruined the vibe by trying to shoe horn DSD into it.

I agree with you here. Step siblings definitely don't have to mean anything. It exists as a term of course but it doesn't mean sibling.

My mum met a new partner when me, my siblings and his kids were all late teens/early 20s. None of us view each other as step siblings. We have never lived together under one roof (neither have these two girls) and other than the odd dinner with our parents we don't see or speak to each other. I feel as connected to them as I do to my neighbour or the postman.

This sounds like a blended family that doesn’t work for at least one of the kids.

This is all really sad and sounds like two young girls need supporting better.
what have the discussions been like with your SD as to why shoe resents your DD, how does your DD feel?
how well connected with SD are you?
sounds like nobody knows what the rules of engagement in this family are which will breed resentment and insecurity.
have a serious chat with with your H about what this family actually looks like and how you both want it to function. Either some huge effort needs putting in to understanding where both kids are at and work on those issues or you take the route that you parent very separately, no shared holidays.

Quite a few people talking about how they should put DSD first.

Sorry, but OP's daughter should come first for OP and it would be pretty mean to intentionally organise a family holiday that excludes her. That would be hurtful, especially when DD may well know that DSD refuses any holidays that do include her.

I remember some of OP's previous threads and it sounds like DSD has a larger family and generally a lot more family support and opportunities than DD has. I reckon this has in part been made worse by the separate holidaying where DP's family join him.

It is clear SD and DH are not bothered about actually creating a blended family including DD, so taking DSD away without DD would just make no sense and be pretty cruel to DD.

Why wouldn't the SD be resentful and unhappy?

Her father leaves her and goes to live with another woman and her daughter. He chooses to live with a young girl who is not his daughter, while choosing not to live with his actual daughter.
In what planet would you not be unhappy and resentful if you were his daughter?

We don't really know the backstory to know what has happened as far as whether SD lived with DH previously

Projection much?

how do you know it was his choice to leave? It may have been her mum’s.

men don’t actually get much of a choice sometimes- if she had an affair it’s still him who leaves to to our societal expectation that children remain with mum.

It doesn't matter whether it was his choice to leave or not. From the child's perspective he left her, and now he lives with another girl and she gets him.wvery day of the week, while his own daughter doesn't.

Ira not difficult to see the problem.

Call her bluff and announce that your daughter is now going to be on the trip after all?

Kids are not invited on this trip. End of.

This really isn’t a hard one.

My husband does come on holiday with me and my daughter and stepdaughter is always invited but has only come when it has been in The States and once in this country where her friends live.

My husband is not interested however, in coming away with my family.

This trip is not until October, he mentioned he was going to SD who says she would like to come as well . He was delighted, as he always is when she wants to be with him. He says he will make it up to me and we can have a city break as a couple.

My stepdaughter is a lovely young woman and has never presented with anything but good manners. She is though completely uninterested in me and my daughter but we have always been very warm and welcoming to her.

I won’t take my daughter out of school for a week to come as it’s a new school.

P.S. Interesting how a few people thought I was the little woman tagging along on Hubby’s business trip.