Stepdaughter and holiday

[Tinogirl]

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

So you are just caving?

Watermill

Looks like it.

I am hoping something better comes along for her between now and then.

Ok so after I read your update your stepdaughter is a lot like my hubbys step son from a ex relationship , who only tags along if the holiday destination is good or interesting for her . It actually upsets my partner a lot that he is this way as it seems he only uses us for his own benefit instead of actually wanting to spend time with us as a family .
Im unable to say no too but in a way I think it’s a terrible thing to do since we are teaching them using others as he it’s convenient is fine

Off course it matters !! My partners ex wife left him by someone she was having an affair with . She was and still is a very selfish woman who dragged 2 boys ( 8 and 12) one day without previous telling them and took them to live with a stranger . Why should he get the blame here ? 5 years after he came to live with me and he is a wonderful step dad to my children ,he is still a wonderful dad to his bio son and previous step son that treats him as a dad , why should he be punished and not allowed to get together with someone again ?
You don’t know OPs husbands reason to separate , you don’t know if he had a choice in his daughter living with him or not

so it’s dad’s fault no matter the circumstance? And he has to go above and beyond to make it up to the child?

where’s the mothers responsibility to make it up to a child if she caused the split?

if this is the child’s thinking someone needs to sit down with her and explain exactly who caused the split.

it’s not fair to let a child believe her dad has chosen to abandon her when he hasn’t.

no wonder so many dads struggle to maintain a relationship when children are conditioned to believe dad always left them.

change the child’s perspective. Don’t just pander to some implication that dads always choose to leave their children.

DH was not in a relationship with DSD’s mother and has never lived with her. They are excellent Co parents and he completely adores her as does his family.

DSD has a very good life.

You seem very afraid of going against your husband's wishes. That enables him to always give into his daughter's demands. It almost seems like you are a newish girlfriend, not his wife.

So he was just a sperm donor?

Sperm donors don’t have relationships with their offspring’s . I can’t grasp why everyone is attacking OP and asking her silly stuff that is irrelevant

But she still has to accept he lives full time with a daughter but sees her very part time.

What are you not getting?

These posts about blame are so missing the point. It does not matter who left who or whether they ever lived together at all its irrelevant. That's about the adults and their choices.

Stop being so selfish and try and see it from a young child's point of view: my dad lives full time with that girl and not with me. She gets my dad, and I don't.

Regardless for the daughter her dad however she was conceived lives with another child a bit younger than her full time while she gets visits. Of course she prefers her one on one time when she can.

This family are not blended at all really from ops own posting history.

It all sounds so messed up and disjointed instead of anything that looks like it will ever be remotely like any kind of supportive family unit.

DSD clearly doesn’t like you much and has a stronger dislike for your daughter. Your husband refuses to go anywhere with your family. You presumably do nothing with his family due to DSD refusing to be in your daughter’s presence.

Holiday aside, what’s the end goal here? This will likely get a whole lot worse as these girls get older.

Why though?
From your posts it looks like you haven’t at any point stated to your DH “it will be just us or just me, DSD can’t come this time”.
Are you afraid of being honest with him?

DSD holidays separately with her dad though, and her mum, and is invited on family holidays with OP, DD and DH.

This was OP's work trip she extended to have a holiday with her DH while her child is in school.

Sounds like DSD wants to go to the states and DH has jumped at it without thinking of OP or her DD, who they can't invite.

It sounds like DSD and DH are the only people allowed to have choice here.

I'd be more worried about going to trumpland than anything else.

@Tinogirl now I’m more concerned you don’t seem to have the ability to stand up to your husband? I can’t get over their entitlement just because this time it suits her to gatecrash. Nope.

@Flutterbyby also, what about the feelings of the child who does not get holidays with her own father ever, who has a step sister who isn't interested in her, has a stepdad who doesn't want to holiday with her family, whose mum, stepdad and stepsister then go away on holiday together leaving her in school?

There is more than one child here with feelings and a father they don't live with.

OP, your daughter comes first.

Would I fuck be taking anyone who disliked my child to the extent they actively avoided and excluded them, along on my business trip to have a good time.

I wouldn’t have married a man whose daughter hated my child and barely tolerated me. Much like his family who seem at best indifferent to the op.

Nobody thought of either of the children.

It’s indifference rather than hatred.

My husband knows I am disappointed but he is just so delighted she wants to come.

In the absence of a time machine, there is not much the OP can do about that.

But in the present, the OP absolutely can start to put her daughter first.

Making clear that her husband’s daughter isn’t invited on her business trip and therefore isn’t coming, would be a good start.

That's also a problem. Which is why these two people obviously shouldn't have got married.

So many parents put themselves first and make their children very unhappy, convincing themselves they have a blended family when what they really have is unhappy children who have no choices.

He may be delighted, but she wasn’t invited.

You and your daughter aren’t invited on plenty of the trips he takes. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t acquiesce on you inviting yourself and your daughter along on one of his trips with SD and his extended family, despite how delighted it would make you and your daughter feel to be included.

Makes you wonder why he married….