Stepdaughter and holiday

[Tinogirl]

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

The DH is the one tagging along, it's OP's work trip!

YANBU, OP - the trip is one happening because of your work, so either your DH comes for a tacked-on couples holiday or he and his daughter make alternate arrangements. You can't have an adults' relaxing trip with a 13yo in tow.

This all sounds very dysfunctional. Does he have enough holiday to take her away separately?

If go on the work trip alone, invite him but if he won't go without his DD he stays home with her and you go alone. Take a few extra days to enjoy yourself.

Blimey. If i said to my partner "i'm really looking forward to a few days away with you" and he said "my daughter's coming too" I'd be quite deflated tbh. Doesn't he want the chance to spend time with just you?
Your DD and SDD have a decent amount of time away, you don't 'owe' SDD a holiday and shouldn't be forced into taking her imo.
As so often is the case, you have a DH problem.

How old are the kids ? Either way you are under no obligation to take her if no other kids are joining .

I can understand a child not liking a step sibling. Especially at that age and especially one who gets to spend more time with her father than she does and gets more time with him without another child there. Blended families are really tricky for the children. As well as the normal possibilities of just not really clicking with a random child, all sorts of feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normally brushed over by the adults involved.

So I don’t think she’s being particularly unreasonable to not want to spend time in a home with a child she doesn’t like. Nor with wanting to go on vacations with her dad when he goes somewhere she would like to be. But I also don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting couples time with your DH!

I would normally say it’s a bit of a toss up really. Both are reasonable positions to take. The one thing that sways me towards you ought to take her along is that it sounds like she gets virtually no time with the two of you(?), while your DD gets lots of time. So this is an opportunity that will rarely be available and you probably ought to take advantage of it and use it to build your relationship with DSD.

I’m with PP - tell DH it’s an adult trip and if he doesn’t want to do that he can stay at home.

And how does she explain to her own daughter that she’s going to America with her husband and SD but she’s not invited?!

Presumably DSD wouldn’t want to go if it was Birmingham or Brussels? So this isn’t about spending quality time with her Dad and without your DD. It’s about shopping and showing off to her mates, so an easy no,

And as a PP said, I’d tell her mother as little as possible in the hope that the lame comments stop.

The SD has been invited on all holidays that you’ve been on as a family, up to her whether she chooses to come. She has dad and daughter holidays and you’re having a mother daughter holiday. This is an adults only no kids holiday so like your daughter your SD is not invited.

It’s a work trip. My OH would not dream of inviting SS along to that if my own DD hadn’t been invited.

This is all shades of messed up.

You are allowed adult time OP but the dynamics between the two girls needs to be addressed this is a mess.

This.
And why do some adults find it so difficult to say NO to their children from time to time??

Tell your husband that if she comes you aren't going to stay with them and stick by it. It's absolutely disgusting how he's willing to bend the rules for his daughter but not yours

By pointing out that she and DD spend lots of time with DH whereas DSD doesn’t, and that DD is also going to the States with OP this year.

I guess her dad had better get a job where he goes on work trips like this, then. When he does, he can choose to take his daughter. He can't piggyback on his wife's work trip to play bountiful dad.

Agreed. But it appears we are in the minority.

Your only option is to cancel the trip. Just have your work time and maybe a few days afterwards alone.
Tell your husband directly that you have no interest in spending your holiday with him and his daughter, just as he has no interest in spending his holiday with you and your daughter.

But really it’s up to DH to ensure he spends more time with his daughter then, isn’t it?

IMO it’s hugely unreasonable to expect the OP to invite DSD on their adults only addition to a work trip, but leave DD at home because DSD doesn’t want anything to do with her!

I mean ops dh has shown time and time again he doesn’t mind op and her daughter being the other so I’m not sure why she’s shocked he would turn a couples trip into with his daughter.

I think you need to separate issues for simplicity. You want a couple holiday , your DH doesn’t want it (because when he wants to take SD with him it’s not a couple holiday anymore). So don’t do couple holiday with him - go on your own if it’s a work trip for you. Put it this way and stick to it.

Not sharing a room is a different issue. I would be more understanding about it. They are not sisters and some people are less inclined to share a room. But I would address this and the trip separately.

It’s her own work trip so she can’t really drop out.
I’d tell him he was no longer welcome.

OP has said that the stepdaughter does go away alone with both her mother and her father.
I can understand what she doesn't want to share a room at her father's house if she isn't used to sharing but I don't see any reason to feel sorry for her

I'd take my daughter along as well. Pull her out of school. At 11 it's not the end of the world.

It’s a bit weird he wants to bring his DD on your couple’s holiday….

I agree you have a DH problem.

If it’s your work trip, I’d say either he comes alone or he shouldn’t bother!