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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and holiday

234 replies

Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:11

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 17:24

Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:11

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

Babysitter? There is only two years between them FFS. Ex wants her child free time

MzHz · 07/04/2025 17:25

You have said no to this trip, that is it. What her mother says or doesn't say is irrelevant. She needs to beak out.

Tell her "This is not a trip we're sharing with kids, it's just us" Tell your H that this is not negotiable this time. Remind him that all other trips are on her terms so for once, you want a trip just him and you.

ScribblingPixie · 07/04/2025 17:25

It's your work trip, OP. Make sure you organise it in a way that suits you. It's your call surely.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 07/04/2025 17:26

YANBU but the only way I can see you dealing with it is uninviting your dh. Then he and his dd can do what they want. Or take your dd too then there’s no reason he can’t bring his. I doubt he’ll agree to not take his dd and if he does he’ll probably be a PITA.

MzHz · 07/04/2025 17:27

"Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter."

@Tinogirl I'd also tell her that I don't appreciate being emotionally blackmailed. it will have the opposite effect.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 07/04/2025 17:28

How can the kids only be 18 months apart? How old was SD when your husband left that relationship? You must have them got pregnant pretty quickly? That's a lot for a child to deal with

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2025 17:29

@Youcancallmeirrelevant I think the DDs are step siblings not half siblings? The older one is the DH’s DD and the younger one is the OP’s DD.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 07/04/2025 17:30

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2025 17:29

@Youcancallmeirrelevant I think the DDs are step siblings not half siblings? The older one is the DH’s DD and the younger one is the OP’s DD.

Ah yes I missed the no joint children but! Thanks 😊

Ethicaldebacle · 07/04/2025 17:35

As a stepmother who does take DC on holidays in different setups, I think your SD does have the igjt to go with you.

We do have a joint DC so he tags along with us all the time. Last year, my SS came with to Sweden. Next year my DD will come with us to Mexico, and the following year my DD will come with us to a wedding in Italy.

What they have or don't have in their other households is by the by.

Sassybooklover · 07/04/2025 17:42

Your step-daughter has an issue with your daughter, so won't stay over? Or does she have an issue with you and your daughter? I am assuming your daughter spends time with her Dad, so isn't home all the time? Will your step-daughter not stay over to see her Dad, if your daughter isn't at home. Your step-daughter sounds jealous and resentful of the fact that your daughter lives with her Dad full-time, and she doesn't. Yes, she's refusing visits, which means she's cutting her nose off to spite her face, but she's 13, and doesn't have the thinking of an adult. Is your daughter willing to have a relationship with your step-daughter? Or is the atmosphere at home very bad if your step-daughter visits? Your step-daughter shouldn't be calling all the shots here, yes she's a child but that's not an excuse. If your husband has told his daughter she can come on the trip, if you say no, it's you who will be the big bad wolf, which is hardly going to improve relationships. If this is the case, I would tell him the short break after your work trip is off, because he doesn't want couple time. Tell him to take his daughter away instead. Going forward, you have to sort out rules with your husband, and he needs to discuss with you before agreeing to his daughter's requests.

Sunholidays · 07/04/2025 17:45

I remember your previous posts about your stepdaughter, OP. If I were you I’d try to relax and ‘live and let live’. For your own and your daughter’s sake. And for your stepdaughter, who I feel sorry for.

Autumn38 · 07/04/2025 17:46

You absolutely don’t have to go on a holiday you don’t want.

However the same is true for your DH and it sounds like he just isn’t that bothered in a holiday just the two of you. If he wanted it he would have told his daughter no and booked another time with her. You can’t force him into a couples holiday he doesn’t really want.

You might have to accept that it won’t happen OP.

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2025 17:49

If you've been together 7 years, have the two girls ever got on @Tinogirl ?

They were only 4 and 6 at the time, so surely then you did family things altogether?

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 07/04/2025 17:52

Frugalgal · 07/04/2025 16:20

You are bonkers to be going to the USA at the moment. Have you seen what they are doing to tourists?

Don’t be so dramatic! I travel to the states constantly for work and they are treating people no differently to how they usually do! You are taking to much notice of the click bait media!

MumWifeOther · 07/04/2025 17:52

YANBU and but neither is he really to want to bring and spend time with his daughter..

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 17:53

Not the point of this thread, but I would strongly advise against mentioning this kind of stuff to DSD's mum. You going away with your husband is really nothing to do with her.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/04/2025 17:53

It's your work trip, you get to decide who comes or not, if your husband doesn't want to come without his daughter then disinvite him and his DD, he can holiday with her alone as usual.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 17:54

Op you’ve got to accept you are not a blended family. His family and his daughter don’t see you or your child as family either. Holiday issues are an extension of that.

If you don’t want her to come on your work trip then fair enough but if it’s the add on part and your husband can make alternative arrangements he probably will as he wants to spend time with his daughter when she’s wanting to spend time with him mainly away from your child who you seem to keep trying to push onto her and her family who are not interested.

Bookloveruk · 07/04/2025 18:02

Just say no. It’s your work trip which you are adding to and it’s up to you who goes. Sounds like your husband needs to get a grip and stop pandering to a teenager

CosyLemur · 07/04/2025 18:02

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YourWildAmberSloth · 07/04/2025 18:05

Your SD is entitled to decide that she doesn't want a relationship with your daughter. You and your husband picked each other, but the children had no choice and were effectively forced together. Hopefully it will change in time, but I think being civil is all you should expect.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 07/04/2025 18:06

Just add a few days onto the work trip on your own, or ask a friend to join you. It’s your trip, not your husband’s, so if your husband can’t explain that to his daughter he also stays home.

Widowerwouldyou · 07/04/2025 18:07

Tacked onto a work trip - normal that you as his wife are going to/not reasonable the SD goes too!!

lunar1 · 07/04/2025 18:09

I can’t quite work it out from the op, do you go away with your daughter and husband as a three?

CosyLemur · 07/04/2025 18:10

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 17:24

Babysitter? There is only two years between them FFS. Ex wants her child free time

Show quote history

I don't think she meant babysitter I think she meant more to entertain her.
But we've only got the posters side of the story; for a 13 year old to turn down a holiday there's probably more going on. The OP doesn't seem to like her SD at all and seems resentful that her SD's mum can also afford to take her SD on holiday!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that her DD's dad doesn't take her DD on holiday and she's jealous about it!