Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Your mum is right in that kids will always come first, as they should.

But that doesn't mean you should have to be miserable. Find someone without children as you'll be better suited.

YANBU. He needs to move out.

No that’s clearly not what I meant is it. Good on him for putting his children first before OP. It’s not often seen with single fathers IMO. They put the needs of their penis before their own children.

So yes good on him for leaving OP and saying the kids won’t be back when you clearly don’t want them here.

He will be expecting you to beg him to come back, and when you don't he will start trying to worm his way back in. Don't let him over the threshold ever again, he only wants to exploit you @innersilentscreams

I was expecting you to update and confirm he moved into your home. His kids behaviour is completely unacceptable, and the fact that he threatened to move out rather than deal with them speaks volumes. Your mum needs to give her head a wobble if she thinks you need to put up and shut up, no man is worth the stress you are going through.

Let him go, reclaim your home and take care of your health. Sounds like you need to put yourself first now.

omygoodness - this is known as getting his feet under your table -
then sidles his boys in - they are low lifes and you are only 39 in
tears, not in control - you didn’t even throw him out he elected to leave

as posters have advised, do not have him back, he now believes
he has the whip hand and can treat you as he pleases (snarls) do
you see?

you are not the only poster on here disappointed in partner and HIS
children,but you could be today’s success story by standing firm -
no more tears

The only unreasonable thing you’ve some is put up with this crap for too long. You are well rid of both the useless man and his brats. Go pack up the rest of their things and get them out and enjoy the peace.

Yes kids come first when you are their parents. But these 3 sound like a bunch of feral f**kers so bugger them all. He moved himself in quick, so now he’s moved himself out quickly and it can stay that way. Bag up all his stuff and have your furniture cleaned of snot and reclaim your space

So he moved in without discussion? How did you allow that to happen?

Was there much discussion about his kids staying EOW? There’s a MN term that men want a nanny with a fanny and that couple apply here

It does feel like you’ve been steamrolled into accepting this and now it’s all gone too far. You are completely right to say ‘enough’

He moved himself in without discussion? And you just let it happen?

Sorry, but he saw you as a mug and used you. Moving in after a year without even asking and not paying until told to. In your next relationship, you need to be more assertive and have boundaries.

Yay well done to him for raising poorly behaved brats and not parenting them properly . Wohoooooo! Top dad . You are just a step mum hater.

Sorry, but your mom is dead wrong. Don't listen to her.

Most kids are not like this. I'd say they're likely being deliberately obnoxious and your "partner" is being an asshole not correcting their behaviour. He's also letting them be homophobic, WTF, and he gaslit you about your glasses. That would have been the end for me.

This is no loss. He's a terrible partner and a shitty parent and you'll be much better of without him and his children tearing your house and stuff up and taking over to where you can't sit in your own lounge in peace. Don't let him back in.

He moved himself in without discussion? I’m guessing he was either with his parents or a lodger with someone else then.

He was using you. Don’t allow this sort of thing to happen again, OP. You’ll be much happier if you steer clear of these useless types!

Yes, he should put his kids first, but that is absolutely not what he is doing by letting them behave like that! Those behaviours are not just “normal teens” at all, they are being horrible brats, disrespecting you and your property, and you are completely right to put your foot down. Unless they gave genuine apologies and started to treat you and your home with respect they shouldn’t be welcome into your house any more. And if their father doesn’t agree, then he shouldn’t be welcome back either.

Recently, I was hospitalised with intense chest pains and had had a fully turn to boot, and the kids texted their dad to complain that that menat they wouldn't get their Maccey D's for dinner with him then, and kept asking for him to order one to be delivered to them online, or to text his debit card details so they could order it....despite the fact their dad told them I was unwell and been rushed to hospital, and not once did they ask how I was or whether I was going to be ok.

Never once had a card for xmas or bdays, despite me contributing to and buying them gifts.

You're well rid. Those kids sound horrible. Probably the type to watch Adolescence and think #LifeGoals.

Their behaviour is so off the scale abnormal. I’ve never read anything like it (and I have 3 teenagers). Their dad is an enabling arsehole.

Block him and move on. Seriously. That’s terrible parenting and he’s a shit partner.

Can't believe you put up with such appalling disrespectful behaviour from those two little shits and their useless twat of a father for a whole year.

They behaved like that because he let them.

You can do so much better than this. You're well rid.I hope you helped him pack his bags.

It may hurt right now, but in reality the trash took itself out. Which is highly convenient. There are far worse things than being single, and living with this man and his offspring is one of those things.

‘Kids coming first’ does not mean he and they get to ride roughshod over you, disrespecting both you and your own fucking house/belongings. Your mother is talking bollocks.

Yeah good on him for raising a couple of Neanderthals and teaching them to treat women like shit! Bless his heart eh? Father of the year right there!

Kick them all out today. Congratulations on the start of your new life. Life’s too short to put up with any of this, for no return.

I guess ‘normal’ differs for different families. This is his / kids normal. I wouldn’t like it either. But of course by bringing it up you are criticising his parenting which never goes down well.

I don’t think there’s a way forward. They won’t change on your account, they’re just behaving how they were raised and of partner not supportive of changing that it won’t.

i haven’t read the whole thread but I wonder what the circumstances of his split with their mum was and if he has guilt and that’s why he lets them get away with this. Men are weird when they feel guilty.

'Kids come first' does NOT mean 'kids rule the roost'! I'm really shocked that any posters on here think this behaviour is remotely ok. It's not. He's an utterly shit dad who is raising two feral obnoxious brats. This will not be the last conversation he has about their behaviour, whether he likes it or not

OP, you must be devastated but I agree with others who said you have had a lucky escape. You deserve far better than the disrespect you've had from all three of them. Well done for standing up for yourself

@Ciaroscuro makes something of a valid point, but only to an extent.

Living with kids is a big change and OP was 37-38 yo when she met this pair. I am sure it was a shock. Moaning about outings is par ( and if they behaved better, they could be left at hers sometimes). So is eating in the sitting room, some shouting, and perhaps wanting to be in their DF’s presence whilst gaming.

Using the upholstery as handkerchiefs, damaging OP’s property, constantly interrupting, the poor behaviour at restaurants, the homophobic slurs, etc - this is different and really not on

Moving out is his way of punishing you for your lack of obedience and deference @innersilentscreams , he will be expecting you to apologise, bow and scrape and beg forgiveness and then he will reward you by moving back in.
He will then start trying to cement his dominance in some way, he was already displaying aggression with the snarling I suspect that could escalate if you did let him back in.
Because he's so certain that being a man gives him the upper hand it doesn't occur to him that he has no real leverage here.

Good riddance, OP!!