Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Read your latest update OP.

is it possible that he saw moving in with you as a way of having a home, so he could see his kids?

the fact he has no concern that you are upset speaks volumes.

I’d be mortified if my kids behaved like that in my DP’s home.

Of course kids need to come first, but that isn’t what is happening here. If he was putting them first, he’d provide somewhere they could live.

im also concerned that he didn’t offer to pay his way at first and had to be asked. That is just embarrassing. For him. It screams cocklodger!

Kids are NOT like this if they've been brought up with correct boundaries. None of my kids have the above annoying behaviours. They have from time to time done a few annoying/stupid things but are immediately brought to task by the parent nearest - and they know EXACTLY what the boundaries are. Indeed our now adults but still living at home sometimes kids ALWAYS defer to parental choice on TV, if they default to phone or iPad it's with sound off and subtitles or with headphones. Food is almost never spilt on the (newish) sofa as it ONLY comes in with a plate (they stick to our rule) - and if it was a drink spill it'd be ether cleaned up immediately, or a towel flung over and parental help sought to establish best method of cleaning it up (it rarely happens, perhaps 1 every other year max)
Yes I agree with your mum saying his kids should come first for him but they're not! He should be bringing them to your home with respect for you and your property, and giving them boundaries for behaviour and be prepared to pull them up and take them to task when they over step! That's not putting his kids first - he's not actually parenting, he's being lazy and letting the kids do what they want and expecting you to put up with them being rude to you when they are guests in your own home and to clean up after them meekly and suffer for his lack of action!

I'm really pleased you stuck to your guns in your own house, you are well rid of a lazy dad, no wonder he got divorced/split up from the kids mum.

Who WOULD want them there? They're feral little brats with a pathetic Disney father type.

What a prize.

It's clear you are not compatible. Reading in between the lines it does sound like you are very precious about your home in a way that is simply not compatible with children. No food in the lounge? Really ott and will never work with any child.
Wrappers? Yep, most parents pick them up. Teenagers don't.
They probably sense you see red with every bit of mess and push your buttons with it.

That said they are also very rude and offensive in their vocabulary in ways that are not acceptable by any standard. Your partner sounds afraid to patent.

Definitely best you seperate. Pragmatically, at your age there are very few men with no children but maybe one with adult children would be more suitable... Or you may get lucky and find someone childless.

Sorry you’re having such a tough time.

YANBU that is not normal or acceptable behaviour from 11 and 14 year olds, they sound feral and rude.

Good riddance I would say OP, they aren’t going to get any better with a Dad who won’t parent or discipline them so they can all bugger off and you can enjoy your home in peace.

What? he's made no attempt to deal with bad behavior and stomps off at her first attempt to even discuss it. He's been a terrble partner. And he should have her furniture professionally cleaned.

I agree with pps , you've been used. I get that it hurts , but in time you will move on and be happy that this pisstaking man has set you free.

I predict that you will have a peaceful life where your belongings and space are respected. Please do unpick why you've allowed this to happen though , none of this was okay and you deserve so much better.

He will resurface , probably with an empty gesture like a bunch of flowers and also try to tell you that the kids miss you and that he has nowhere to see them now. Don't fall for it! He will find another woman to tolerate him and his rude children soon enough.

Take care @innersilentscreams

Omg Nanny with a Fanny! I love that term and hadn't heard it before, thank you!
It happened because at the time he kept giving me a lift to work when I worked further away, and he just never left.

I have a problem with boundaries and assertiveness, I think.
Looking back now I feel really annoyed at myself for allowing my life to be taken over by someone. I just always made an excuse for things or wondered if I was being unreasonable.

I respond by freezing in moments and shutting down (childhood trauma, yay), and instead of saying 'no' I just sort of go into a sort of mental blankness. All my life I've done that, and it's led to me putting up with things I absolutely shouldn't have

But this isn’t putting them first. Putting them first would be teaching them how to behave, how to be respectful and responsible adults as they grow up. It means maybe putting some effort into what they are doing on their weekends with their dad so they don’t think everything is boring. It means setting and keeping to boundaries. Their father is failing here and you are the one suffering for it. And his reaction to you just shows you are getting a lucky escape.

Not normal at all.

I was a pain as a teen on occasion but I never actively disrespected my step parents. I am very close to them even now many years later.

i have friends who are step parents and have a good relationship with their step children. They had none of this rubbish behaviour thrown at them!

The fact is, those kids are preventing their dad having a healthy relationship. They may feel they have won but he’ll be the one left all alone!!

Embrace your new life... Imo it will be bloody marvellous..

He sounds like a crap negligent parent and a shit partner. Once the initial emotion passes you’ll realise you’ve dodged a bullet.

Behaving in the way the OP describes is "fairly normal behaviour"?

Not when I was a child/teen, not for my nieces and not for any friend's children.

Anyone whose kids routinely behave like this isn't doing parenting right.

It's normal behaviour if they are allowed to get away with it.

A mature father would have said you're totally right, I'm not having them doing that. He should have sorted them out - not because you didn't like it, but because he shouldn't allow his kids to behave like that.

A bit of mess, a bit of stuff lying around - expected.
On games all the time - expected, if boys.
Playing games while you're watching a film - no. Tbf if that's the only place they can play, I'd watch a film upstairs on laptop. Because it's always going to be a clash. Always. And they aren't there all the time. Or I'd set up the gaming in their room.
Being poorly-behaved when out to eat - that's just bad upbringing, sorry to say, and if they're like that now then not sure you'll be able to change it.

With all of this, it is inconsistent parenting that's allowing them to do this, plus the emotional turmoil of what's happened in their family. Plus hormones.

I would relax about some of it, but not about other stuff. But the problem is, he had to do it. And he hasn't. He's left, because he probably feels himself upset about their behaviour, but isn't there with them all the time, they've had a disrupted life with the break up of the home, etc. He feels at a loss so instead he's taken them away because he feels criticised and powerless.

So basically, it's a bit of a mess, as it often is. They aren't behaving well but he doesn't know how to fix it. And he no doubt feels all the time upset about not being with them. So it won't work.

If he's walked out like this, it won't work.

So sorry but you need to just think ok that's good and find someone more sorted probably, imo.

I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.
He left.

Hurray!

Please don't let him back.

You are well out of this relationship, innersilentscreams, his children have no respect for you and your home. It's excellent that you stood up for yourself, you're better off on your own.

You'll find a nice boyfriend in due course but don't rush into anything, certainly not someone moving in and with dependent children.

Just out of curiosity, and it is not your problem, where has your ex-man gone?

Some of those behaviors are appalling, like the snot. omg I couldn't live with that for a single day.
Please do not let him live with you and do this.

Kids coming first means making life decisions with their interests as the priority. It does not mean never showing them a boundary, letting them trash the house, or letting them be epically rude.

@Commonsense22 at 11 & 14 they are perfectly old enough to understand rules with regard to food in certain rooms, and to clear up after themselves. If they forget they can be told. I'm not clearing up after my kids all the time - they do it! Wrappers too!

This. I’m not denying their behaviour is appalling and it really is. It’s revolting! Sounds like he’s not parenting them at all.
But, it also sounds like you see it as YOUR house only (a no eating in the lounge rule with kids on the house is nuts) and I’m getting the impression your now-ex was angry already given that he went straight to “snarling”

Holy shit you’ve dodged a bullet there

You should be extremely thankful that you weren’t married to this cuntweasel

He doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who does x

Who on earth thinks they’re just ‘kids being kids’? I wouldn’t have put up with behaviour like that from my dc as teenagers-they’re now young adults. I thought I was a fairly liberal
parent who cut them some slack during g their teens but would not have tolerated the sort of thing you describe in their own home. He would be putting his kids first if he modelled and encouraged appropriate behaviour not given them a free pass to do what they want. I know it’s sad as you obviously care for him but it sounds as if you’re better off without him.

No that's not normal behaviour from children.

That's behaviour from children who have not been taught manners and have been allowed to disrespect adults and the home they are in.

All because the father, a useless prick feels guilty because he's no longer with their mother and assuages that guilt by letting the children do as they please.

This lack of parenting is complete disservice to his children as they will grow up thinking this an acceptable way to live and treat women.

They will suffer heartache in their relationships when they realise that women don't want to be with noisy, messy slobs.

You will be upset for a while over the split but then you will realise that he is an utterly awful parent and an unsupportive, ghastly partner/man and your life will be all the better for it

The trash has taken itself out. Enjoy your peace and quiet and do not entertain giving this man another chance.

Of course his kids should come first but their shitty behaviour shouldn’t be imposed on anyone else. He hasn’t bothered to parent them or I still boundaries so staying with him will only lead to heartache.

Enjoy your freedom now and make the most of having your own home back.

Good he's left, there's a reason why hos kids behave the way they do and that's down to him not parenting his kids properly. You don't need a trashy partner like that, good riddance I'd say.

You really shouldn't be feeling squeezed out of your own home. Their behaviour sounds like Kevin the Teenager on steroids - I include Dad in this assessment.