Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Their behaviour sounds like testing boundaries at age 8, and I would be correcting them at that age. 14 and throwing things in cafes and shouting Gay when you're watching a film?!

Also not acceptable to use gay as an insult, obviously, and tbh tells us all we need to know about your fella if he lets this go

I too would resent their poor behaviour in my home. You have quite reasonable rules which they decide not to follow. Their father doesn't what to discipline them, he wants an easy life, so you're the unreasonable one. Forget what your DM has said - for YOU in your own home, the behaviour of your partners kids is unacceptable. It's not for you to sit and grit your teeth to keep the peace. You are totally reasonable in asking them not to eat in the lounge. You partner says you are unsupportive - in other words, he wants you to accept their poor behaviour too because he doesn't want to parent them. It's easier for him to make you the problem than them.

They sound like right little brats. No excuse for such disgusting behaviour - this is NOT normal. You partner should have been much more supportive of you. His parenting is obviously rubbish and he can't take criticism. I can't see any way of things improving with this attitude so I think you are going to be my happier without any of them in your life (or house). I wish you a quieter and happier future xx

ugh they sound grim. Kids should come first that is true but you don’t have put up with it. He does, but you don’t.

they are not “just being kids.” Not all are rude, dirty, lazy and disrespectful. Have some standards.

I really appreciate these responses. Thank you so much. I really needed to hear your kind words and appreciate everything being said,
Even the people saying he should put them first, because obviously yes he should.
I accept I come last, I always have.
I just want to be acknowledged and not have my things/home damaged and be told to accept it.

I just feel mugged off, for want of a better word, I guess.

Recently, I was hospitalised with intense chest pains and had had a fully turn to boot, and the kids texted their dad to complain that that menat they wouldn't get their Maccey D's for dinner with him then, and kept asking for him to order one to be delivered to them online, or to text his debit card details so they could order it....despite the fact their dad told them I was unwell and been rushed to hospital, and not once did they ask how I was or whether I was going to be ok.

Never once had a card for xmas or bdays, despite me contributing to and buying them gifts.

It's likely his tantrum and walking out is intended to scare you into shutting up and continuing to accept the way you are being treated.
I bet he'll be in touch wanting to know if you've learned your lesson. Either that or will be expecting you to beg for forgiveness.

This behaviour isn't normal and is disrespectful. This is no way to live. Stand firm and he establishes boundaries with his kids or if he's not willing to do so it's probably for the best. This will only get worse!

He isn’t “putting his children first”—he simply ised OP for housing and sex and put her last. This was awful partnering and awful parenting. His children will grow up to be selfish and incompetent adults.

You are well rid of him, OP. Don’t let him back.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

OP from where I'm standing it looks like the trash just took itself out. Let it stay there.

I couldn't put up with that shit either! Find someone without kids!

You will be far better off without all of them - their father, particularly.

After only a year, he's made it clear that is how he is happy for you to be treated. They're just reflections of his own attitudes towards you.

Kids sound awful. Probably taking the piss because they’re pushing boundaries with their Dad.

Honestly you’re better off without him. Let him and the kids be someone else’s business.

He sounds like a prick and the kids didn't fall far from the tree.

I would absolutely not be entertaining this, it would be a hard no for me.

Great that he is putting his children first but let him do that in his own home.

His attitude towards you is telling, their behaviour is unacceptable and he is allowing it and making you feel bad about it. Not a chance.

btw, their behaviour is NOT okay.

This is absolutely not the behaviour of normal well bought up children. They have shown you (and their dad) blatant disrespect and you should celebrate in what ever way suit you today as you are now free of this terrible behaviour!

tidy all their stuff into boxes, drop it off at his mums or whoever and go to your local home where shop and splurge on some nice home improvements (new lamp, throw, candles, ornament) whatever you think best and stay up late tonight enjoying your quiet living room.

both he and the children have treated you appallingly and you deserve so much better!

Doesn’t say much about him that he’s managed to raise two disrespectful, homophobic arseholes. You’re well rid.

A lot of people are saying that your DP is putting his children first. He is not. Anyone putting their children first would teach them some decent behaviour so they can grow up to be well mannered considerate people.

Normal for a toddler yes. Normal for an 11 and 14 year old, absolutely not.
I'm guessing they don't here the word no from their parents. Why are you upset? They sound horrendous and their father is no better.

I feel for you OP. That’s not normal behaviour at all, my SDCs are similar ages and do not behave like that. We have our own issues don’t get me wrong but this sounds extremely disrespectful and I would be talking to their dad (my DH) if they did things repeatedly like this. Sounds like your partner is not willing to work with you to try to make the best of this situation, and quite frankly even though it feels rubbish for you now, you are well out of it as it would only get worse if the kids think that this is ok and they are backed up by their dad.

How is it miserable? They do whatever they want and no-one ever tells them no!

Good on him letting them commandeer the living room, wipe bogies on the furniture, show OP no respect and throw things in public?

Are we reading the same thread????

Why do you think their existence is miserable when they are allowed to do exactly what they want, when they want?

Yes, kids come first, but part of parenting is showing them what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. He didn’t like that you shone a spotlight on his inadequate parenting.

YANBU for pointing out that you felt uncomfortable in your own home.

some comments on here are insane.

I put my children first, and I want them to feel comfortable in their home (willing to bet my last pound that this is the OPs home though, and that the dad has made himself comfortable) Doesn’t mean I allow them to act like feral pigs and ignore all the rules.
wiping snot on the sofa is a toddler tearing boundaries, not ok at their big age.

you’ve had a lucky escape.