Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Why should OP be concerned about that? 🤦‍♀️

He might cause further problems for op.
Hoping that op will be safe.

Do you think in light of this it might be wise for me to ask MN to delete this post?
I am a bit worried it's outing

Just remembered if it's in the DM it's already too far out there anyway

As usual first post nails it. No loss getting rid of the that lot disrespecting you, your home and possessions. They won't be missed and they won't improve.

Tbh, the chances of him recognising his own behaviour and realising its actually about him seem very slim, he seems totally oblivious to his own failings or those of his kids.

I wouldn't worry about it, the ship has sailed as far as the DM is concerned, and you don't want the arsehole back so I'd not worry about it. Hopefully you start a new thread as I'd love to hear how he takes it when he realises he is actually dumped but also I'd love to hear how you get on in your new, much more arsehole free life!

Totally up to you, but as your following post says it's probably too late anyway to make a difference.

Wishing you and the cat peace and happiness. Stay strong.

I'll sign off for tonight, and start a new one at some point this week/tomorrow.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all but also trying to remind myself I have done nothing horrible or wrong, even if my emotions keep trying to bet the better of me, because yes I do miss the good times and truly loved/love him, despite seeing what has occured this weekend as so so wrong.

Such cognitive dissonance.

I'm shocked he hasn't messaged to say he has realised how awful his response to my distress and valid points about how I am my home get treated was, and I think this is what is causing me to doubt myself in the odd moment. But I know his response wasn't right, and these lovely messages have kept reminding me of that.

Maybe it's for the best that he isn't even trying to make amends, because surely that's what someone who really cared for their partner's wellbeing would do knowing how upset they were? They wouldn't just up and leave.

If I had personally insulted the kids or shouted at them, or broken something of their's I'd understand his anger and punishment/walking out. But I hadn't. I had pointed out things that were hurting me, in tears, upset.

Anyway, thank you so much again. I will update on a new thread soon.

xxx

Urgh about daily fail having picked it up.
The texts are trying to ignore what happened and expecting you to get back in your box and back in line. Don't fall for it!

I’d probably ask op. If he finds the DM thing he will immediately come here and you have some quite long posts with a lot more detail ( death of the loved one etc).

I’d say better safe than sorry on that one …

Ugh. I hope you send a dry-cleaning bill after him.

This has been A LOT for you, dear one! Take very good care of yourself and your kitty and keep things as simple and safe and calm as possible!

But the DM picked this up because it's NOT an over-reaction - I bet there are loads of women who can relate to this, and you are doing them a service, and once the naturally upsetting emotions pass, you will see how this really needed to happen!

Go forth and thrive! 🤗

Well done OP. I feel like I’ve read a version of your post so many times on here.
Step Kids treat OP like shit, Dad says they’re only kids, it’s normal behaviour, it’s her that has the issue. Or leaves their whole care to them…

I chose YABU because why on earth would you want to keep that horror of a ‘man’. Kick him to the kerb and be happy in your own home. Him and his manky rude kids can be ignorant elsewhere. Be happy. This is good.

Good luck @innersilentscreams

You deserve better

Glad to hear that you are not rushing out to buy equipment to set up a games room for them! as your DM suggested! She really doesn't get it does she? It's not just about the kids. Remind her how he behaved when you were grieving your relative.
Wishing you all the best in your new era OP x

You are worth so much more OP. Hold firm

Which is for the parents to do, of which OP is neither.

PP makes a good point, DM have picked it up because its not an uncommon occurrence and is something that affects a lot of people!!

Hold firm, YANBU!

You sound like an awesome person op. But he shouldn't be "punishing" you. You're a grown-up and he was your partner.

Take care OP.

Don’t stress about the DM article. In the nicest possible way, this story isn’t really very interesting. It’s interesting for us mumsnet users who are all keen to support you and are cheering you on, but to someone just reading an article online there’s very little memorable about it. There’s no chance of it going viral, it will soon be lost in the constant flow of drivel that is the DM, and their readers will be far more interested in whatever crap they’re making up about celebrities this week. If you’re worried ask MN to take this thread down, but please don’t stress over it.

I’m sorry your mum isn’t being supportive. Quite a lot of people still believe women need to be looked after by men. I expect she’s just worried about you and wants you to be happy, she just doesn’t understand that you could be happy without a man.

So he can see you going in and out of YOUR home, even though he's not there? He can watch your movements, remotely?

But you can't see who is coming to YOUR house, on YOUR devices, because HE has sole control of the security devices app on HIS phone?

😱😱😱😱😱

I'd be disconnecting the security devices immediately, until you can get control of them (and the viewing app) away from him.

I'm shocked he hasn't messaged to say he has realised how awful his response to my distress and valid points about how I am my home get treated was,

Are you really though?

Well be prepared for it if he thinks it'll get a roof back over his head!