Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Addressing the shortcomings in their situation and upbringing would be an even better move.

By their parents. Not OP.

At work today, I kept replaying the conversation we had Saturday night, in case I over reacted, but I know all I did was express how I was feeling upset about things that are disrespecting my house, real things they were actually doing again that weekend, and my boyfriend was choosing to ignore.

OP never doubt yourself. If you ever even begin to question yourself, remember that this conversation started because you were in your bedroom crying. And 'D'P didn't care.

You did not overreact.

Sadly I don't have any close friends near me where I am. Work colleagues yes, but I live in a very rural area where I am not from originally. Mum being nearby- 1.5 hrs away as well as my partner has kept me here. Other than that, other family and friends are hundreds of miles away.

I have lost touch with some due to distance. I'm quite a recluse now I'm older as well, whihc hasn't helped. I definitely need to get out and socialise now, and am looking forward to volunteering

The dynamics are too f'ed up for it to work at this moment in time,
For step-parenting to truly work, the PARENT in the relationship needs to parent properly and take responsibility of their children in that environment.

They also need to recognise that if their children as explicitly vocalising their displeasure about the dynamic, he needs to do the right thing and remove them from it - for the sake of everyone involved.

Neither you or the children are happy in the dynamic so there is no way it can work - let me know if you would like me to draft a message to send..

He needs to build his own space and install his own ground rules rather than ha king you bear the brunt of their lack of respect for the current situation.

You two - at very least need space

I am absolutely not one of those people.

I believe children are best raised by their parents except in cases of extreme incapacity, in which case there is absolutely no reason it needs to be a woman. Many wonderful foster and adoptive families have incredible father figures.

But I am “one of those”, as you like to put it, who strongly believe that once you have children you have a responsibility to ensure their family life is suitable for them. All too often the desires and convenience of the adults is put ahead of the needs of children - then the children are criticised for not having consideration for others, aka blindly fitting in.

@innersilentscreams I think you should be glad your story made the news. Your DP should be ashamed of his own lack of respect for you and your home. The children seem to be doing two things: acting their age and acting out. If the relationship does continue I would sit the children down with rules and explain if not followed they don't visit. I would also explain they will not be coming back. Same for DP. I'd also suggest watching films you all enjoy and a no video games rule. They are visiting your home, not living there. The dad needs to be way more involved.

well your've come to the right place!

You say that you're quite rural, Op and you have few friends in the area. If he does show up and if he turns threatening, please don't hesitate to call the police. I know, from what you've said that he is unlikely to turn threatening but better to have that option inside your head.

… and fwiw not once have I said the op is the person who should be parenting these children. On the contrary, I have supported her new resolve to exit the situation.

Do you drive OP?

Oh FFS 🤦‍♀️

unfortunately its not her place to have that conversation - dad's gotta do it. And to be completely honest - he needs to get his own place and lay the ground work there. Her house is not his house! and equally the kids need to stay somewhere that feels like home to them - unfortunately it will never be her place.

well said! Neither OP nor the kids are happy, so guess who the responsibility it is to MANage the situation lol!

There is absolutely no way I wud have got away with any of those things at any age! Their dad is absolutely being unreasonable to not pull them up on this, in your house too. No kids in ur house until they can follow ur rules. He can come alone if you even want him to anymore, he sounds like he needs to take a long hard think about his parenting skills.

YES Once you have children OP DOESNT HAVE ANY and yet you were the one being disingenuous to her saying it was just crisp crumbs on the sofa

You can always reconnect with distant friends if you want to. My BFF in all the world (also a cousin) lives 600 miles from me but other than actually seeing each other, we're as close as if we were next door neighbours and are in constant contact via text & phone. And I go down to visit her at least once a year. So reach out if there are people you want to reconnect with. The heart knows no distance.

I agree about getting out & volunteering because it's not good to isolate, especially if one is going through changes in their life.

No she doesn’t. All she needs to finish ask him to leave. Job done. Though if I were her I’d give a parting bit of advice that his children seem angry about his inability to give them a home of their own.

Well done op, just remember no reply is a reply, who does he think he is,

Oh yes he's waiting for you to get over your tantrum and see the light! When are his children scheduled to be over next? He'll most likely ramp up the "lets put this behind us for Tommy and Bobby's sake " attitude in time for his delightful kids next visit. He's on a countdown. I doubt his DPs are going to want them back there long term.

Stay strong OP, you e done the right thing.

I hope you let her know that there won't be a next time!

What if he recognises himself in The Daily Mail?

You might need to start another thread @innersilentscreams ?

Hopefully he'll find this thread and realise that he's back at Mum and Dad's for a while.