Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

You’re well rid of the lazy arsed twat and his brats. If your mum says anything as stupid as that ask “would you have let me do that?” And ignore any idiotic advice she gives. (Bet she thinks sun shines out of his arse, no?)
I take it it’s your house, as he’s so readily moved out? Good, change locks, have a spring clean(Chuck all their crap out) and relax in your own home.

Agree with the other posters, you partner needs to step up and parent. Putting your children first does not mean letting them do what they want, he is not their friend.

I reached a point where I felt I couldn’t relax in my own house. Now the step children have headphones when gaming and we put a little tv downstairs for them to use. They pick up after themselves and put things away when asked - and my husband will back me
up.

Sorry OP, the issue is your partner.

YANBU - I’m a mum of 2 and there is no way I would put up with that behaviour. It is absolutely not how children should behave if you actually parent them! Your ex partner is an absolute tool. Sorry you’re upset but you did nothing wrong.

I'm sorry you're upset, OP but he's given you a gift here, grab it with both hands and change the locks. Block him from contacting you.

Children are one thing, a disrespectful partner is another and you won't change him. He should have been cleaning up after his children and managing their behaviour and he didn't.

You deserve better and now that this bed-blocker has gone you have a chance to safeguard yourself from ending up with another one like him.

God, thank the Lord they're gone. Honestly, your 'D'P sounds like a useless waste of space: good luck to him dealing with his boys once they're 16/17...

I'm your age and no way I'd put up with that shit in my own home. You dodged a bullet there. Enjoy your lovely lounge in peace!

Oh op. You sound lovely, far lovelier than me because my low tolerance levels would have driven me to push the lot of them out the door on the first visit. You really have dodged a bullet there. That behaviour is NOT OK. Your partner may have put them first (I agree with putting children first) but his condoning of their behaviour is also not OK. It will ultimately ruin them.

You'll be OK soon. That would have driven me mental.

I have an 11yo and apart from the odd crisp packet found, non of the other behaviour would be tolerated for 1 minute in my house.
I hope you find happiness without these people in your life.

Sorry, OP - just seen your update that it’s your home and your partner moved himself in.

After his reaction, I’d tell him to get out pronto. You might be able to salvage a relationship (if you still want to) - but he needs to get out and provide a home for his children himself. And how they behave there is not your worry

Lucky escape. Don’t let him back in

Just my home.

A while ago I caught the youngest scratching my glasses (only blue light ones) with one of my hair grips. There were 4 uniform scratch marks in a line (small, but there nonetheless). When I opened the door and saw him doing this (well, it certainly looked like he was), he jumped and ran off. When I spoke to his dad about it, he said 'They were already scratched like that; I doubt he scratched them, maybe it just looked like that because he likes fiddling with things'

Funny how all the things that got damaged whilst they were here were always my things...

Good for you OP.
Let him and his kids stay gone. He obviously doesn't respect your home and is allowing them to get away with stuff as he can't be bothered to patent them.
He could at least have had a word with them about their behaviour.
You can now breath a sigh of relief and have your own lovely space back.

It's not normal behaviour. I'd expect my partner to be aligned to the rules of the house and enforce them e.g. please do not eat in the front room, pick up your rubbish.

I mean honestly it's a basic level of respect. You are not asking for much.

Keep firm with these boundaries as whilst children do come first, it should never be at the expense of basic manners and respect.

Did he contribute financially OP? As his general attitude of disrespecting your home would point to bigger issues

Congratulations- take your home and shout life back; you can do so much better. There will come a time when you’re so pleased you’ve split with him now.

Be thankful it’s over … right result ! Your mum is an unhelpful knob also .

And, (sorry, I’m just so angry on your behalf) it’s not like you went all out on them, you bottled it up, spoke to him reasonably when enough was enough and he’s spat his dummy. Ugh, fucking, fucking men!

Kids should always come first but theses ones sound feral and their father needs to step up and actually parent.

Let him go OP - the drama and stress isn’t worth it

I wondered about this also. He moved in rather quickly.

I might have this all wrong but it sounds a bit like you and their dad are bad cop good cop, so they’re pushing the boundaries to assert that their dad is the parent, not you?
There needs to be a united front. I do think it’s normal for kids to push back at that age, especially if they are unhappy about their dad having a new partner, new home etc. There needs to be a united front about the bad stuff, and perhaps a bit of compromise when it comes to choosing films and outings. I get your partner wanting to turn a blind eye if he’s not got his kids with him all the time, but it’s not in their best interests to grow up with no boundaries

You sound like a really nice person @innersilentscreams .
Your DP not so much. As for the kids- total brats who should know better at their age.

I really think you're better off without any of them in your life, you deserve better than to be treated like that by your DP and his sons. The fact he allows his dc's awful behaviour shows he doesn't respect you, and his response to you, when you brought up the subject, confirms this.

Believe you deserve better and stay strong, don't weaken and allow the whole situation to start over again. Sending you a hug.

You sound better off without them. Little shits.

He sounds a right cock lodger.

He did, although at first, despite moving himself in without discussion, he didn't, and I had to call him out on it.
Since then he has always more than contributed, I will give him that.

A very loving albeit sometimes clingy/needy partner, just always scared of his kids not wanting to see him, thus the above problems happening.

I just feel like I can't keep sacrificing my own needs and happiness to keep his kids and him happy. I have tried to accept things and be sympathetic but last night I just couldn't cope anymore.

I don't understand how it's gone a full year before laying down boundaries. With kids, you need to set out the boundary straight away, so you can do it kindly yet firmly "Things are different in different homes, here we only have food in the kitchen and dining room." Then next time there are consequences if they don't do it. Things like snot on the couch is 2yos not teenagers, that's just them actively trying to be rude.

If you get another poor parent with kids, you'll need to make expectations clear up-front that there are rules and children will face consequences for breaking rules. Or only step parent when the father is able to act like an adult. Meanwhile you are much better off being rid of this one. Change the locks and don't have him back.

I don't think the kids are that unusual. Not telling them to pull themselves together is though, especially by your partner.

I feel like you are maybe a bit uptight and not used to parenting teen boys - why would you be? - for example, I don't understand why you are watching a film in the same space as the older son is gaming. Why isn't the gaming console/PC in a different space? He might equally be moaning that you are putting a film on while he is trying to game, especially if there's some other rule about gaming in the shared space for safety reasons.

The moaning about doing "family" activities is absolutely what teen boys that age do . Why can't you just go out without them?

Eating food and dropping it is again, not unusual. Why can't you just tell them to pick up after themselves? I don't understand why you are taking it all so personally. They are being slobs, yes, but they aren't doing it "in order to" be nasty to you.

I feel like retreating to your room and "being sad" for all that time is a bit passive aggressive. I don't understand why you can't just communicate in a banterish way with them to get things tidied up. It all seems so very difficult all round. All of you need to adapt to be part of a blended family.