Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

This. It’s a losing battle that you’re never going to win. so best to cut your losses.

Where was he living before he moved in with you? With his parents, or independently?

Sounds like a cocklodger. No man falls in love faster than one that needs a roof over his head. Don’t let him back.

That's not normal behaviour - if my daughter acted like that towards anyone, let alone me and/or my partner, I'd be horrified at how wrong I'd got it when raising her!

I’m a stepparent OP and my DP wouldn’t allow my stepson to be that disrespectful. He does eat in his room or the lounge at times but asks permission and brings his things down after. He loves gaming and having a shout with his friends on it but he’ll do it in his bedroom and quieten down if asked.

I feel this is a problem with your DP more than the children. He should be setting boundaries and respecting your feelings when you are all sharing the same space. He should at least be more open to talking about it.

Step parenting doesn’t need to be this hard and whilst yes the children ALWAYS come first, they should treat your home with respect and decency like anyone would.

Well he’s a crap dad. He might “put his kids first” but he won’t do any parenting ie addressing that they smear snot (at that age?!), misbehave in cafes, drop litter in the house AND use “gay” as an insult - he’s angry because you won’t just suck it up and maybe it’s making him face how crap he is.

Why do people keep saying he's putting his kids first? He's not. He's putting himself first. He could have listened to OP and taken stock of what she was telling him and actually start parenting his kids. But that's far too much like hard work so he walks out and at some point they'll get another step mum then probably another one as he will never parent his children, and is clearly a cock lodger. He is doing them no favours at all by not addressing their behaviour. No-one will put up with that for long. What a pathetic excuse of a father. If he comes crawling back tell him to fuck right off.

Yanbu

yes kids should always come first but that doesn’t mean they have the right to disrespect anyone or not follow rules, and your partner should have enforced the rules and told them off for the disrespect.

however he seems to be wanting to be a Disney dad so they want to come and see him because they get away with it, rather than be a proper father

That he’s not prepared to work on ground rules says everything and you will be better off without him

Your shit partner is also a shit parent and it sounds like the trash just took itself out. Disgusting of him to disrespect you and your home like that. You can do much better. Please step right away and don't keep engaging with this horrible,even if it's just to give yourself some space for a few days to process what's been happening.

That is bollocks

he has allowed his kids to be rude and disrespectful

he has done nothing to correct this behaviour and told @innersilentscreams to suck it up.

fuck that for a game of soldiers

no eating zone, no eating. All the other attitude is wrong too. Whether to a parent or partner of a parent.

the one doing wrong here is the father in not equipping his kids with manners and respect

he needs to pack his bags and take his kids somewhere else to behave like that. Spoiler alert- nobody is going to put up with any of them

His kids sound awful and he sounds awful - he's a disney dad who is too scared to install boundaries.

You've had a VERY lucky escape, as hard as that is to hear. Don't let him back in.

Yep, it's my home. We've been together 3 years, he moved in after a year, and his kids started staying full weekends since about a year ago.

You are well shot of him.

he’s a dreadful parent. Letting them behave like that is failing them.

and a dreadful partner for treating you this way.

don’t look back.

OP, they have all been making a mug of you !!!
Now have your sofa, carpets, everything Spring cleaned,
wash that man and his feral boys out of your hair.

Your mum is way off and I’m surprised she would back the villain and villainettes unreasonable behaviour over your sensibilities.

Yes your ex partner should put his children first but you do not need to!
and certainly not in your house
The boys were guests in your home, where they really did not want to be

Respect is the bottom line - I bet he slammed the door on the way out.

Is this just your house OP not both of yours? How dare they behave like that in your home, I’m furious on your behalf. That is absolutely not normal behaviour, it’s horrific. Shame on them for being homophobic too.

Sounds like you’re well rid tbh OP. Please don’t beg him to come back.

this made me laugh, a succinct, accurate summary

I have an 11 year old and a 13 year old. Both boys. I don’t recognise any of the behaviour you describe. Yes, they game but they get off when told (sometimes with a bit of bargaining for more time and joking about me being grumpy about games but it’s a joke and I banter back. They always come off the games and we have never had a fight about it).
Sometimes films are boring but they aren’t rude about it. They will say it’s boring them, ask to watch something else, ask to go to their room, maybe huff a bit if I tell them no. There is attitude of course, and you need manage that but it just isn’t the same as what you’re describing. It’s always good natured.
They would never use the word gay as an insult; that’s something from 20 years ago. They learned that from their dad? My kids have gay friends. It’s not an insult.

My kids have their faults, they argue and can say nasty things but it’s so few and far between that it’s ok, they’re learning. When they are in a bad mood and getting huffy, I let them go to their own thing and eventually everyone comes back. If not, it’s one night of them watching a show in their room so that’s fine.
What you’re describing it just unacceptable. They haven’t been parented at all and it really sounds as though they are actually unhappy and just really don’t like you or their dad.

Someone has messed up here.

So your mother has said this comes with the territory and you should talk and sort it out.
I sort of agree and It sounds to me as if that is what you're trying to do. You were expressing your opinion and looking to him to suggest solutions. I expect you'd be willing to compromise on a few things. He is not even willing to try.

I’m pretty shocked that teens/pre-teens in 2025 are using the phrase “So gay” to deem something pathetic or cringeworthy. This happened in the 90’s but I thought homophobia was a relic of the past. So much for the world having gone woke (I wish!)

That aside, do you own your home jointly with your partner, OP? Personally, as a childless woman, I think you’d be a lot better finding a partner without children. It doesn’t sound like there is much in it for you from this arrangement

Good riddance, you should be rejoicing that he is gone and that his nasty children won't be back again.

I disagree this is "normal kid behaviour". My own kids are not allowed to behave like that, so they don't! (OK they sometimes moan that something is boring but they get told tough, they can't have their own way all the time. They need to get used to that or they'll never cope with adult life.)

The issue is that their dad can't be arsed to parent them properly and he doesn't care that that means your home gets damaged and your boundaries constantly trampled over. Ghastly man.

Stepparenting in this scenario is the worst of both worlds because you are expected to put them first but can't put boundaries in place "because they're not yours".

Also "putting kids first" is not letting them always their own way! It's putting their needs first and supporting them to grow up to be decent, capable human beings.

Far from normal, OP. IME many kids will test taking food into forbidden areas , but the rest is completely and utterly revolting.

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape. Particularly from the guy.

He’s done you a favour, why do you want these people in your life? Get rid of him and you won’t have to put up with his bratty disgusting kids either. Win win

Exactly. Allowing them to develop into obnoxious arseholes is hardly putting their welfare first.

I’m appalled by OP’s mother’s attitude, too.

Do not chase this wastrel. Acting as if it was a privilige for you to be around his awful children. The cheek! Why would you assume you should naturally come last in this situation? You were the person facilitating a nice life for him and somewhere for the tosser to bring his children!

Whilst kids can be messy and teenagers are a pain the level of this is not normal and it's clear he had zero intentions of putting boundaries in place for his kids.

Whilst it does hurt now it's good that you have stopped being a doormat to him. Yes children always come first but that doesn't mean any child gets to behave like that anywhere. I certainly wouldn't accept that from my children in my home or anyone else's!

Don't be suckered back into this relationship it's clearly not healthy or shows respect on any level for you.

This is not normal teenage behaviour OP. I wouldn't allow my children to behave this way in my own home let alone someone else's house. I have been a step child and can say absolutely that you are not being awful at all to tell them to never come back.