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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party, child with visible difference

555 replies

donttake · 24/02/2025 18:43

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

OP posts:
Retrospeaker · 24/02/2025 20:56

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is tell someone to fuck off, OP.

Ger1atricMillennial · 24/02/2025 20:56

Wow.. however growing up with a brother with visibly significant differences this is one of those hidden realities that are part of your life that you don't see in society unless you have experienced it.

I am happy to see that so many people are equally as shocked. I loved the "I am so sorry that reply is delayed as I was shocked that a grown adult would even think that was appropriate to type"

I would also like to add that you can suggest if she is unable to parent her children to help them understand the world she should get some parenting classes.

IButtleSir · 24/02/2025 20:57

Testingthetimes · 24/02/2025 19:05

I’d also leave this a while as it so incendiary that it’s hard to think straight.
maybe a response saying something along the lines of ‘it’s worrying you think that texting me this is in any way acceptable. Our job as parents is to equip our children to understand differences between people and have conversations with them when they need help and/or have questions. The fact that you don’t know how to have those conversations is a failure on your part. You need to take time to educate yourself so that you don’t continue to let your children down. Please seek help for this. I would recommend these two resources as a start…
Like I said, it is very worrying you felt it was ok to text me this. I really hope you can learn from this and never make this mistake again and offend anyone else. And obviously to help equip your children to navigate and enjoy the world.’

or something.

This is excellent.

EdithBond · 24/02/2025 20:59

donttake · 24/02/2025 20:26

I absolutely think she wants to know and is trying to ask what the child's condition is but don't think that is my information to share or that it really matters.

Show quote history

100%. It’s none of her business. What an CF texting that. And asking for advice on what to say! Is she OK? Weird.

I’d leave it for a day or so out of shock. Then send something like:

“Oh gosh. I wouldn’t dream of doing that. Maybe explain to your kids that we all look different.”

ZoeCM · 24/02/2025 21:00

This is horrible. I can't believe people still think this way these days!

ReadingRubbish · 24/02/2025 21:03

I can't imagine this is true. OP are you sure someone isn't cruelly trolling you?

harlacem0507 · 24/02/2025 21:04

Please write a reply feeling exactly how u feel and how we do too, that it's absolutely disgusting behaviour and appalling to even have said anything. Vile, idiot woman.

Justgorgeous · 24/02/2025 21:05

Ignorant twat.

Itsoneofthose · 24/02/2025 21:05

She needs to go and take a long hard look at herself. What an ignorant piece of *#%^. Those poor children. Write her a very calm and clear message back. Tell her that her message is extremely offensive, and that there has and never will be a time you will 'warn' others about the cousins difference. Suggest she speaks to her children about how to manage and embrace diversity in the world. Urgh I feel sick and angry.

FondantFancyFan · 24/02/2025 21:07

You could always warn other people of the ignorant woman's condition........

normanprice62 · 24/02/2025 21:08

She's a disgrace and I'd tell her exactly that.

Womaninred · 24/02/2025 21:08

WingsofRain · 24/02/2025 19:27

I was the child with a visible difference who was told not to get close to another child who “would be upset and afraid” by how I looked.

His parents asked my parents to tell me not to speak to him about my disability.

The way it made me feel is still with me 55 years later, and I thought that wasn’t something that still happened these days.

I’m sad it obviously still does. 😞

@WingsofRain I’m so sorry. This made me quite upset. It’s not just sticks and stones is it. It’s the words that stick with us.

And OP I’m sorry you had the text. I think @MissScarletInTheBallroom response perfect.

HolyPeaches · 24/02/2025 21:12

@donttake I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

Absolutely fucking not! Wow I am fuming on behalf
of you and your DC’s cousin. Some adults can be so judgemental and cruel.

If you already haven’t messaged back I’d put something like:

“Hi Jane, it’s a shame that Tarquin was scared. Emily and all the other children had a fantastic time. Unfortunately it’s not my place to deal with your kid, so you’re going to have to be mature, put your big girl pants on and explain to Tarquin that humans come in all different shapes and sizes. Some have things called disabilities and birth defects which can make them look a bit different, however it makes them no different or any less of a human on the inside. I’m sure he’ll understand, kids are a lot more accepting and resilient than adults aren’t they? Thanks again for coming 👍🏻”

Charmatt · 24/02/2025 21:15

I'd be tempted to reply with, 'There was only one person attending the party who caused any upset, but that was because they are intolerant and discrimatory'

But I think in reality, I just wouldn't reply at all, as it would feel defensive and validate her.

Ger1atricMillennial · 24/02/2025 21:16

Honestly I want to put a Catherine Tate Nan "Whatabitch" in here!

PearlClutzsche · 24/02/2025 21:18

Can’t add anything more than some of the already excellent responses and suggestions here.
I'd find it hard not to respond with a barrage of expletives myself. What a horrific cunt of a human being that “mother” is.
I’m sorry you had to read that about your child’s lovely cousin, OP.

Hwi · 24/02/2025 21:22

Vile human beings, her and her 'distressed child'. Vile. Cut them. Cut them dead for future parties and socialising.

Zita60 · 24/02/2025 21:24

Sorry, I know others think this is a good message to send, but I find the tone of it rather high-handed. Some of the sentences are accusatory, and I think they are likely to just get the woman's back up and not achieve anything.

And whenever anyone tells someone else to "educate yourself" I bristle - I just feel it's arrogant to say that to someone.

Her attitude is awful, but I'd deal with it in a quieter, less confrontational manner.

Wildegeese · 24/02/2025 21:25

It's HER job to teach her kids to be compassionate and respectful towards people who are different to them for whatever reason.

If your kids can't handle seeing someone with a facial difference that's a sign to pull your finger out, wake up and teach your kids how to behave. Instead she complained about the presence of this kid for upsetting her poor munchkins.

I wouyld say she should be ashamed but she is obviously so entitled and self-absorbed it's not in her emotional wheelhouse.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 24/02/2025 21:26

I’d ask the teacher (not naming names) if they might include a lesson on disabilities and inclusivity with some handouts for parents?!

She sounds absolutely awful and while it’s tempting to reply it might be best to just let her stew.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 24/02/2025 21:27

HolyPeaches · 24/02/2025 21:12

@donttake I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

Absolutely fucking not! Wow I am fuming on behalf
of you and your DC’s cousin. Some adults can be so judgemental and cruel.

If you already haven’t messaged back I’d put something like:

“Hi Jane, it’s a shame that Tarquin was scared. Emily and all the other children had a fantastic time. Unfortunately it’s not my place to deal with your kid, so you’re going to have to be mature, put your big girl pants on and explain to Tarquin that humans come in all different shapes and sizes. Some have things called disabilities and birth defects which can make them look a bit different, however it makes them no different or any less of a human on the inside. I’m sure he’ll understand, kids are a lot more accepting and resilient than adults aren’t they? Thanks again for coming 👍🏻”

But I do love this - minus the “thanks for coming”

Fraaances · 24/02/2025 21:30

Wow! What an entitled arsehole of a woman! I would let her know that ableism is a hate crime and then speak to every school mum I know and show them the message. (Take a screenshot first.)

HolyPeaches · 24/02/2025 21:32

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 24/02/2025 21:27

But I do love this - minus the “thanks for coming”

Show quote history

Maybe my suggestion was a little too polite 🤣

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 24/02/2025 21:34

“Wow”. Would be my very short response.
Let her take from that what she will.
plus it would stop me sending something far more vitriolic which she utterly deserves.

Chugstar · 24/02/2025 21:35

MysteriousFalafel · 24/02/2025 18:45

She’d get both barrels from me. Disgusting comment from her. God some people are vile. I can’t even think of a single politely worded thing to text! I’d probably fire back with something like what a pity you’re bringing your kids up to be as horribly closed minded as you. Not to worry, you won’t be invited again.

This! 100%