Page 22 | Party, child with visible difference

donttake · 2025-02-24T18:43:04+00:00

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday, Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great . One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice. I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I? I have no idea what to reply

whynot2025 · 27/02/2025 03:03

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Original poster

donttake · 27/02/2025 17:52

Sorry for disappearing and thankyou for the (slightly overwhelming) amount of responses. I’m glad that school mums viewpoint seems to be a minority and the majority are equally outraged.
I actually didn’t reply at all but have received a follow up message hoping I hadn’t taken offence and saying how it’s always best that all parents are on the same page
I have asked dd if anything was said at school and it wasn’t, so obviously they weren’t that scared or upset
I don’t really have anything to add, I believe she is just selfish and insensitive rather than purposely nasty and don’t know how much I can do to change that but will be wary of her and unfortunately her dc in the future.

OP posts:

saraclara · 27/02/2025 18:00

I'd want to reply "Yes I have taken offence and I don't want to be on the same page as you"

CorrectionCentre · 27/02/2025 18:02

donttake · 27/02/2025 17:52

Sorry for disappearing and thankyou for the (slightly overwhelming) amount of responses. I’m glad that school mums viewpoint seems to be a minority and the majority are equally outraged.
I actually didn’t reply at all but have received a follow up message hoping I hadn’t taken offence and saying how it’s always best that all parents are on the same page
I have asked dd if anything was said at school and it wasn’t, so obviously they weren’t that scared or upset
I don’t really have anything to add, I believe she is just selfish and insensitive rather than purposely nasty and don’t know how much I can do to change that but will be wary of her and unfortunately her dc in the future.

How funny, it's her that's on the wrong page! 🤦‍♀️
Very glad that the kids have demonstrated their lovely, natural acceptance.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/02/2025 18:02

donttake · 27/02/2025 17:52

Sorry for disappearing and thankyou for the (slightly overwhelming) amount of responses. I’m glad that school mums viewpoint seems to be a minority and the majority are equally outraged.
I actually didn’t reply at all but have received a follow up message hoping I hadn’t taken offence and saying how it’s always best that all parents are on the same page
I have asked dd if anything was said at school and it wasn’t, so obviously they weren’t that scared or upset
I don’t really have anything to add, I believe she is just selfish and insensitive rather than purposely nasty and don’t know how much I can do to change that but will be wary of her and unfortunately her dc in the future.

Yikes.

I think I'd reply along the lines of, "Difficult not to take offence when you seemed to be implying that my niece is so ugly that her family should put out some sort of public health warning every time she leaves the house. I don't think we're ever going to be on the same page about that. I suggest you teach your children about people with visible differences and then next time they meet someone like my niece they won't be so upset."

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/02/2025 18:23

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/02/2025 18:02

Yikes.

I think I'd reply along the lines of, "Difficult not to take offence when you seemed to be implying that my niece is so ugly that her family should put out some sort of public health warning every time she leaves the house. I don't think we're ever going to be on the same page about that. I suggest you teach your children about people with visible differences and then next time they meet someone like my niece they won't be so upset."

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Oh that is a brilliant response.

Absolutely perfect.

CuteKoalas · 27/02/2025 18:26

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/02/2025 18:23

Oh that is a brilliant response.

Absolutely perfect.

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Yes agreed.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/02/2025 18:38

@donttake I live in a village and we had a child who had obvious facial differences to everyone else. all the children were protective of him, especially when they all went to secondary 12 miles away. they all looked out for him and didnt allow anyone to bully him. they all did this without being told.

TheMerryWidow1 · 27/02/2025 18:43

Jeez she is digging herself an even bigger hole with that 2nd text, disgusting. Hugs to you Op x

RampantIvy · 27/02/2025 19:26

@donttake I think the best thing to do is to not reply at all and make her sweat.

She knows she has offended you because you haven't responded.

Keep her sweating.

JustSawJohnny · 27/02/2025 19:38

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/02/2025 18:02

Yikes.

I think I'd reply along the lines of, "Difficult not to take offence when you seemed to be implying that my niece is so ugly that her family should put out some sort of public health warning every time she leaves the house. I don't think we're ever going to be on the same page about that. I suggest you teach your children about people with visible differences and then next time they meet someone like my niece they won't be so upset."

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👏👏👏

Perfect response to such staggering levels of ableism.

TaranFollt · 27/02/2025 19:39

Same page...?
She's not even on the same book.

JudgementalRaccoon · 27/02/2025 20:24

Her hoping you haven’t ’taken offence’ also implies that you’re the problem for being somehow over sensitive, whilst the real issue that she has said something offensive. The language we use matters, and I would want to recognise that in any response.

Buffs · 27/02/2025 23:42

Talk about adding insult to injury. No you are not being overly sensitive, she ought to apologize.

Nellsbell · 28/02/2025 00:28

I think you did the right thing op. Your silence spoke volumes. I’m not sure what same page she thinks parents should be on as she was clearly the only one at a child’s party on the page she is on!

MyBoyFlattop · 28/02/2025 01:20

I'd have asked her which cousin she was referring to as there was more than one there!

MyBoyFlattop · 28/02/2025 01:23

Actually you could still message now saying "I haven't responded as I've been trying to work out which cousin"

Noshowlomo · 28/02/2025 08:56

Silence speaks volumes on this OP. She’s clearly wondering why you haven’t replied. Let her wonder

Sennelier1 · 28/02/2025 09:53

You could answer : What page would that be? Because I don't know any page I want to be on that isn't inclusive to children who are different.

steppemum · 28/02/2025 13:46

I think I'd reply along the lines of, "Difficult not to take offence when you seemed to be implying that my niece is so ugly that her family should put out some sort of public health warning every time she leaves the house. I don't think we're ever going to be on the same page about that. I suggest you teach your children about people with visible differences and then next time they meet someone like my niece they won't be so upset

this is a very good reply given the second text.
And I agree with the poster who said - she is making it that you getting offended is the issue instead of her text being the issue

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 28/02/2025 13:48

Lyraloo · 26/02/2025 22:43

In your opinion!

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Mine too. This was your initial response:

Id corner her in the school playground and very loudly explain to her what an absolute prat she is. She needs to realise if her child is frightened of anyone that’s different, she’s 1. Not doing a good job as a mother, and 2. Bringing up a child that’s going to be frightened of its own shadow and as nasty a human being as she is.
I wouldn’t be nice about it either!

Achieves absolutely nothing other than to further alienate a parent who clearly has no idea how to teach her children about disability and inclusivity - probably because they have little or no experience of it. As I’ve said a lot on this thread, it’s not the job of disabled people to educate others about disability, but neither is it helpful to berate and humiliate when you can dispassionately point them to the appropriate sources of information.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 28/02/2025 14:01

Lyraloo · 26/02/2025 22:47

Wow, don’t you think that a woman old enough to have children should already understand disability and inclusion. Clearly she won’t pass it on to her children as she doesn’t feel they should be subjected to anyone that doesn’t conform to her idea of perfect!

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Yes, I do think that every parent should be equipped to understand disability and inclusion and be able to explain in it a clear and age appropriate way. That’s how it would be in an ideal world. Where have I said otherwise in any of my posts ? But this woman clearly doesn’t does she ? So berating and embarrassing her in the playground will achieve absolutely nothing will it ? It will just push her further away from what she needs to do to make sure her children understand disability and are accepting of the fact that everyone is different, but we are all people. I understand the outrage - as a disabled person I feel it. But you need to separate out that anger because at the end of the day it’s better to address the problem and offer a solution - or at least signpost to one. Otherwise nothing changes does it ?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 28/02/2025 15:03

I can't believe that she could be so cruel.

I spent the morning in a large children hospital with DS, it reminded me of this thread, children need to be taught from a young age to accept and respect each other, especially those more vulnerable.

DS doesn't blink an eye at differences, though seeing DC with no hair upset us both on the inside, when we left he asked me if they were suffering with cancer.

We need to thank our lucky stars.

Lyraloo · 28/02/2025 15:07

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 28/02/2025 14:01

Yes, I do think that every parent should be equipped to understand disability and inclusion and be able to explain in it a clear and age appropriate way. That’s how it would be in an ideal world. Where have I said otherwise in any of my posts ? But this woman clearly doesn’t does she ? So berating and embarrassing her in the playground will achieve absolutely nothing will it ? It will just push her further away from what she needs to do to make sure her children understand disability and are accepting of the fact that everyone is different, but we are all people. I understand the outrage - as a disabled person I feel it. But you need to separate out that anger because at the end of the day it’s better to address the problem and offer a solution - or at least signpost to one. Otherwise nothing changes does it ?

Edited

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You are right but I’m infuriated that people in this day and age are still so uneducated. It’s terrible that she cannot speak to her child and explain but the worst thing is that she thought it was acceptable to actually message the OP to complain about a disability. It’s just horrendous!

BusyMum47 · 28/02/2025 15:41

donttake · 27/02/2025 17:52

Sorry for disappearing and thankyou for the (slightly overwhelming) amount of responses. I’m glad that school mums viewpoint seems to be a minority and the majority are equally outraged.
I actually didn’t reply at all but have received a follow up message hoping I hadn’t taken offence and saying how it’s always best that all parents are on the same page
I have asked dd if anything was said at school and it wasn’t, so obviously they weren’t that scared or upset
I don’t really have anything to add, I believe she is just selfish and insensitive rather than purposely nasty and don’t know how much I can do to change that but will be wary of her and unfortunately her dc in the future.

Wow @donttake you're a better person than me - I wouldn't have been able to let that go - I think the 2nd message is almost worse than the 1st! 'It's best that all parents are on the same page'??? WTF is she talking about??? I'd fire back that YES you DID take offence & didn't reply purely because you had no idea what to say to such rubbish!! 😡