Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

What a vile human. Give it to her both barrels.

Fuck off should probably cover it.

If this is true then it’s vile 😫 id message back “oh no, did something happen that I missed? What was it that made your DC so upset?!” and make her say what the actual issue is. Then I’d give it to her with both barrels.

What a horrible woman!

I’d talk to her gently as if you were talking to a child.

”Hi Sharon, people often look different that what we usually see but they are still people like you and me and have the same thoughts and feelings. We don’t stare or make comments and we do our best to treat them like we treat everyone else. Glad your daughter enjoyed the party.”

Dear cunt school Mum
im shocked that a grown adult thinks that this is an appropriate message to send.
Do not contact me again.

Jesus. What did you say? I'd struggle to come up with something halfway polite but given her absolutely vile message, I would say fuck the politeness and just give her a good piece of your mind.

I wonder how all the other little darling managed? Maybe not because their parents have done some parenting. I cannot believe how often adults think this is a reasonable request. Little girls I know was asked to keep her prosthetic limb on at swimming glasses because it made a little girl feel ill. In front of her. End result of course is the girl never went back and lost access to one of the activities she can easily take part in.

I’d be tempted to type back

What. The. Actual. Fuck. Have. I. Just. Read?!

What a revolting thing to think, let alone text to someone.

I'd lose the plot.
Or just reply with "I've literally no idea what you expect from me. Your child shouldn't be scared by another child unless you have taught them to be"

I'd probably also tell everyone who knows her just how vile she is. Pretending to be asking for advice when really she's just sharing her prejudices.

Send her this, just for the benefit of other people who might be unfortunate to come across her in the future: www.changingfaces.org.uk/about-visible-difference/

And don't engage further

I doubt they were as well. Like I said the groups kept to themselves but that was because they didn't know each other rather than one kid looking different, everyone was perfectly happy and having fun.
I can imagine they might have gone home and mentioned dds cousin or asked about them though.

If her DC was so scared and upset I bet she left the party crying and screaming. No? She stayed for cake and had fun? The only freak here is the mum.

I can't believe what I've just read! What a foul woman. Give her both barrels!

Hi mum, sorry to hear your daughter was upset. Perhaps this is a good chance to teach her that some people look different to her and that's ok, disabilities are nothing to be afraid of.

Send them this: https://myface.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Parenting-Guide.pdf

It's mostly to help parents who have a child with facial difference but it has a section that talks about helping children talk to others about facial difference/dealing with bullying.

Hopefully if she is genuinely looking for help to discuss this with her children then by the end of reading it she will have a better understanding of what it is like to deal with this.

It's easy to be angry. If giving information means that she and her children actually gain a better understanding of what it means to live with a facial difference I think that's a win.

Yes it’s sad but ‘Changing Faces’ says it’s very common. I guess it’s good that the mum is being open and asking for advice. Maybe look at https://www.changingfaces.org.uk/for-professionals/teachers/supporting-pupils-visible-difference/supporting-children-visible-differences/#:~:text=11%2D16%20years.-,What%20is%20visible%20difference%20and%20disfigurement%3F,111%20people%20in%20the%20population.
for advice or direct the mum to it. Maybe also ask the mum/dad of the cousin how they deal with it. Or ask the cousin herself if her parents think she’d like to have a say.

just had a look and found this book thst might be helpful, https://www.amazon.co.uk/My-Extraordinary-Face-Celebration-Differences/dp/B0BFWNGR5X/ref=ascdfB0BFWNGR5X?mcid=7e3981a018f73b0881c7966c6c115de5&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=703701821511&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13855144506665222283&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006668&hvtargid=pla-2307383947561&psc=1&gadsource=1
don’t know if it’s any good.
children need to learn about differences and have the space to ask questions. When I was a primary teacher I found books were often a way in to really helpful discussions eg once there was a child with epilepsy in the class and he was more included after we’d read a book, discussed it and I reassured them that epilepsy wasn’t catching, which I hadn’t known some of the class were worried about before.

What a load of ablist shite from the mum.
Heads up that not every single person in the world looks absolutely identical?
She should teach her kids that you shouldn't be 'scared' of people that don't look the same as you. That it's what's inside that counts.
Just ignore her. I'd say don't speak to her again but it would be a shame to exclude her kid as it's not their fault.

Thats horrible.
Dds cousin has had similar experiences and had to miss out on many things, family birthday parties will not be one of them though

WHAT DID I JUST READ. What an absolutely heinous human being. I hope you fire back to her making it clear how disgusting that is. Am livid and I wasn’t even there! Sorry OP, some people are just epic dicks.

Exactly. How were her kids during the party. Did they show signs of upset. Assuming that you'd have noticed if they were it sounds like she's the one making an issue of it.

I dont think I could hold back my anger in replying to her

If the little girls appearance had been commented on she should have behaved like a normal human being and pointed out that yes some people do look different but that's OK

I’d tell her that as she unfortunately can’t go back in time and not have her children to save us all from her shit parenting she should just go fuck herself instead.

It isn’t her DC’s fault but I absolutely would not be inviting them to any future events that cousin will be attending. I’d assume mothers vile views will end up passed on to them.

I'd say something like, "I don't know what to say to this. Are you not teaching your children that children with visible differences exist and that they're just as valid as anyone else? If not, you should be."

God this is depressing. What message is she sending her kids if that is the reaction. I despair

'Hi other mum, I would have really appreciated a heads up on what a horrible person you are, I would have never invited you otherwise. I'm feeling very scared and upset that there's such vile humans on the Earth'.
This person doesn't deserve 'calmed down'. Let her have it, for that child who will face this disgusting behaviour for the rest of their life. For every other person who has had to endure the same, make sure she never, ever, behaves like this again.

Do you really need to ask if this full grown adult is unreasonable to have this fucking appalling attitude? Really?

But as you ask YANBU to tell her to fuck all the way off.