Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

Unbelievable. I’m really sad for your dd cousin to be treated like that. It’s outrageous.

I really hope she books a holiday of a lifetime and forgets to renew the passports. Or similar.

It's none of her business what this little girl's condition is: nobody has a right to anybody elses medical information, it's private and confidential. As for her own children being 'scared and upset', I highly doubt that. Children are naturally curious, in my experience they tend to ask questions when they see someone who looks different from them.

I'm sorry that this mum is so rude and ignorant, and I hope whatever you decide to reply to her stops her in her tracks and makes her realise how inappropriate she has been.

If you feel you have to reply perhaps "I have no advice for you because my 8 year old child has decent parents who taught her years ago not to judge people and be frightened just because someone looks different" but probably ignoring her is best.

Just block her. Never respond.

Omg this is shocking. I would be speechless!! Cannot think of what you can reply to this level of nastiness. Maybe just ‘You cannot be serious?? You do realise it is 2025 and that your message and attitude are really offensive.’ And leave her to contemplate. Even that doesn’t seem enough. Shocked!!

Christ. I literally want to break her door down on your behalf. Disgusting behaviour.

Send that to the head of school. give them all
an assembly!! Mother needs sectioning for messaging you something like that. What a div!

My suggestion is that you print this thread off and hand it to her.

Tell her you’d have appreciated a heads up she was a complete bitch and her children are idiots, and yet there you are.

Why give the job of finding resources to an already busy teacher?

To have thought that was bad enough. But to have typed it out and pressed send? Fucking hell. What century is she from?

OMG what an absolute shocker! Unbelievable behaviour. YANBU....I'd have nothing to do with her again.

I'd first message: I'm sorry, what?
To give the benefit of the doubt and a chance for her to clarify and/or backtrack and/or apologize.
If more ignorantshittery followed I'd message per prev poster word for word minus the I'd recommend bit as it's not up to you to point her in the right direction.

I'm sorry you have to deal with such shite. 🩷

Or this.

Is there a class WhatsApp group?
I would send a message to it saying something like -
"Thanks to all who came to DD's party, she had a wonderful time. I just wanted to check that no one's else's child was upset at the presence of my niece/nephew, as Mrs Cuntybollocks has expressed concern and I would hate for their existence to be so upsetting to anyone else."

Someone who has the nerve to send that message, insinuating you are wrong for not "warning" her deserves no benefit of the doubt, and instead deserves to be outed for being a complete bitch.
That's what I would do anyway - I am as feral over my nieces/nwphews/godchildren as I am my own DC, and I would absolutely tear her a new one for this.

I was thinking about that book too. Perfect for this situation.

I so agree with this.

I think most of the respondents on this thread are a bunch of cunts, to put it succinctly. Telling this mother off for disability discrimination while....

Well, in my mind, this poor mother is disabled herself. She has never been taught about disability discrimination, and so has a real handicap (yes, unaccepable word) in dealing with the world. She written a text which clearly, to me, says 'I was scared of this visible difference'. FFS she is asking for help. Yes, not in a way which we find acceptable, but the request is definitely there.

The information about this particular child's differences may not be yours to share, but the resources highlighted on this thread certainly are. I would respond something like this:

Dear mum

I do have to confess that I was a bit shocked by your text, at first. But then I realise that we all have areas of life where we have missed out on some vital information. You've been great at asking for help in dealing with distress at a visible difference - I suspect your own distress was the issue, as all the children at the party seemed to be quite happy. Children are quick to relate to the humanity in others, and may ask questions about differences, but their open hearts mean that they can adapt to a very wide range of circumstances.

Humans do of course have it programmed into them to avoid those who are 'different'. We needed this when we were at much earlier times in evolution, as physical difference can be related to infectious disease. We have moved on, though! What surprised me about your text was that our generation has been brought up much better - to appreciate that an accepting society is very important, and as mums we have a responsibility to pass on good messages to our own children.

So we, and our children, accept visible differences in others. We work to help people feel accepted and valued, not to exclude them or to 'give a heads up' if they were going to attend an event as if they were monsters (this was the phrase that quite upset me, but I do appreciate we all have things we don't know). I was touched that you realise that you haven't learnt more about difference and disability as you grew up, and yes I have plenty of suggestions for things that you and your children might both enjoy.

[list to follow, Wonder, all the resources helpful MNers above have suggested]

This is just a working draft. I've tried to be honest about my own shock, but to acknowledge areas of ignorance in others. And we all have these, and we might be shocked when we discover them.

I would be tempted to write.
Thank you for text. The child you mentioned has an acute case of go-fck yourself, you ignorant, entitled twat.

@donttake wow that is really nasty! it would be a chance for the mum to explain to her children that not everyone is the same. some people only have one arm or some people need a wheelchair. it doesnt make them horrible people and they must be treated the same as the way children would want to be treated themselve, with kindness.

Children may deal better with facts but a persons privacy over their own medical information trumps the need for things to be easier for a parent to explain. I know you’re trying not to offend but ultimately what you’re saying is a very ableist approach. If your child asks why someone is in a wheelchair you don’t just say ‘everyone’s different’ you can explain, with facts, that wheelchairs are used by people for a variety of reasons, you can give examples, you do not need to know the actual medical needs of the person in front of you.

This woman could give a factual explanation to her child without any knowledge of the situation. She could explain why people might have visible facial difference (accident, birth mark, surgery, illness etc), there is no need to have the exact reason.

@donttake the fact someone thought texting you this was appropriate is absolutely shocking. I’m so angry on your behalf.

@weirdoboelady Much if this thread is venting, in anger and shock, that the woman essentially suggested that the OP put a trigger warning in the invites about her beloved young relative.

And some of us feel it deeply because she is referring to children like ours.

Amidst all this the OP herself had said she is waiting rather than respond in anger, measured responses have been praised and encouraged.

It can be really exhausting always having to be reasonable and take on the role of educator. Emotionally manage the unthinking crap that people come out with, as an add on to the job description of parenting a child with difference.

Venting is cathartic

Yes yes yes! This is a really graceful message and one you’d probably feel much better about sending in the long run, OP.

@weirdoboelady omg do you play oboe?

Is it something that could be perceived by a young child as looking sore or painful?

My DC would find it a little discomforting to see another child with a physical difference that looked like it would hurt etc. They are quite sensitive & would worry/feel bad for the child if they thought they were hurt. It would be helpful in that instance to be able to reassure them that the other child is fine just that everyone looks different.

The mum has been very rude in how she's asked.

I'm a super petty person when it comes to ridiculous people like this.

So I'd be messaging in the group mum chat and asking if anyone else's kids were scared and upset like X's children, and if so could they perhaps give her advice on how to deal with it with her kids?

Stupid woman.

I’d slap the bitch. Wouldn’t of course but the urge would be fierce!