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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

478 replies

Caribun · 23/02/2025 20:33

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

OP posts:
Iloveyoubut · 23/02/2025 23:51

Daisymae23 · 23/02/2025 21:32

She just needs Ross to take her as his put one 😂

Show quote history

That made me laugh out loud! 😂

Rachie1973 · 24/02/2025 00:12

Caribun · 23/02/2025 22:31

Do I just say something like...

"Hiya cousin, just checking in because [siblings] have received their invitations and I didn't want you thinking I was rude by not responding to an RSVP, but we haven't received anything for us. Let me know".

I think that’s just chatty and pleasant. Good luck xx

JennyTals · 24/02/2025 00:44

You can't just say I don't do conflict you're not going to have a good life that way ! Speak up for yourself

wibdib · 24/02/2025 00:55

It’s worth checking, especially if you have dodgy post in your area…

like you I was very upset when I didn’t get an invite to my cousin’s wedding when mum and dsis had had theirs a couple of weeks At least previously.

Eventually my mum was asked by my aunt if they knew if I was going to be coming - by the time my mum had got round to asking me a couple of days later, my invite had turned up. It had my address on it correctly - but also had several other scrawling on the front of envelope saying you’ve delivered this to <different address > make sure you deliver it to the right address, and most memorably ‘ this is the THIRD TIME!!! you have delivered to <address> please make sure you deliver it to the correct address and do not send it back to me’.

That message finally got through but it was too a different flat in a different block of flats to the one I lived in; not particularly close by or obvious as to why they should make the same mistake repeatedly. Worse because lots of the flats around had people who worked away from home or who would be away for several days at a time, so the cycle of going to the wrong house, being reposted and delivered again took a long time to happen.

Address was perfectly clearly printed on the envelope - no obvious issue with it. Did make me wonder if there was any other post that was wrongly delivered where the people just thought sod it and didn’t forward it on!

And at least I got to go to my cousin’s wedding and have a lovely time watch him get married. We can laugh about it now but was upsetting at the time.

more recently, a younger cousin had a child free wedding and all our relatives on that side of the family were going to the wedding, nobody on dh’s side able to do it and no friends we could impose on. I ended up leaving dh with the dc while I went solo. Very odd s so used to being at these events with DH but also lots of fun and good for me as it meant I couldn’t just rely on him to chat to/help get ready etc.

BigHeadBertha · 24/02/2025 00:55

Is it possible that your mother has already contacted her and is awaiting a reply before getting back to you about it?

If a relative had singled out one of my immediate family members to leave out (husband or grown kids) I'd ask why. And unless there was a good reason, I can't imagine the rest of us would be attending, either.

From what you've said so far though, my best guess is that your invitation got delayed or lost in the mail.

Abouttoblow · 24/02/2025 00:59

DancingHippos · 23/02/2025 22:53

My cousin invited me to his wedding and not my sister. We couldn't quite believe it. I emailed him for clarification. We were very close growing up. He didn't reply.
I can't recall if I went in the end - it was 20 years ago and it was only part of the wedding. We all went to the other part of the wedding. However, a few years he said that he couldn't invite everyone. It was his wife who was making decisions as she organised it all. His wife is actually really lovely and we all really like her. So we have moved passed it but I think my cousin massively messed up and should have had more backbone.
Anyway, you won't know until you ask your cousin.

Edited

A cousin you were really close to growing up invited you to their wedding but didn't invite your sister and you couldn't believe it and then you emailed for clarification but can't remember if you attended or not? OK then...

MaybeOrMaybeNot2 · 24/02/2025 01:07

I think you should ring her mum. Ask does she think your invite went missing or you have been left out. You can drop in that you would go on your own without hubby and kids. Its really going to be the elephant in the room anyway.

Roui · 24/02/2025 01:09

What if your invite got lost in the post and she’s thinking “how rude they haven’t even rsvp’d!”

can you ask someone else to ask in conversation?
or why don’t you send a message asking how things are going with the planning? And see if she makes a hint she’s expecting you there?

TattooGuineaPig · 24/02/2025 01:09

Why on earth are you sending her a text about this? What happened to speaking face to face, or god forbid, picking up the phone?

Far more difficult to ignore / ghost / if she's on a call with you or sitting opposite.

crockofshite · 24/02/2025 03:51

When is the wedding taking place? Maybe cousin will chase RSVPs and discover she's forgotten to invite you or the invitation has gone astray.

I agree it's a very awkward situation.

PullTheBricksDown · 24/02/2025 04:12

Could one of your siblings ask, if your mum doesn't seem to want to? I think the text you've planned is a good way to do it yourself though.

LAMPS1 · 24/02/2025 05:54

It seems like a very close family. and a difficult situation you find yourself in. Your mum amd siblings, and the aunts and cousins will all be talking about it, and it will come to the bride’s attention somehow, surely.
If the couple intended you to come to the wedding, they will soon realise there has been a mix up when you don’t respond and it will quickly be rectified.

I wouldn’t be sending any written message to the bride at all at this stage. Keep normal family visits and chat. Hard as it is, I would just wait a few weeks but let your mum/siblings/aunt/ cousins know, in passing, that had you received an invitation like the rest of the family, you would have been delighted to attend, happily leaving your dc with your DH for the day. Then trust it will be sorted if the bride intended you to be there.

I wouldn’t want to put the bride on the spot just in case it’s not a mistake. There’s always a possibility she isn’t as close to you as you feel you are to her.
If numbers are tight, she would have had to prioritise somehow and you could be a casualty of that. So my advice would be to keep your dignity and wait until the situation becomes clearer one way or another. Jumping straight in to ask sends a rather entitled message in my view.

Conniebygaslight · 24/02/2025 06:23

What do you actually think will happen if you ask your cousin directly? It might be awkward but nobody has ever died from awkwardness. You really need to accept that sometimes things need facing up to. Stop hiding and just ask nicely.

Zanatdy · 24/02/2025 06:37

Yes it would have been nice to be invited, and then you have to decline is no DC. It’s pretty hurtful to invite everyone but you.

TheSandgroper · 24/02/2025 06:47

This might bolster your indignation (which I think you have a right to feel) or just amuse you by the end of two threads)

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3564973-To-just-refuse-the-wedding-invitation

FondantFancyFan · 24/02/2025 06:50

Never, ever beg for an invitation; accept that there's a reason for why you've not been invited that you don't know about. However, don't come across as desperate for an invitation. It's awful what she's done but remember it says more about her than it does about you.

mummyh2016 · 24/02/2025 07:06

Oh god please don't ask. It comes across as desperate. When the RSVP date passes if you were invited and she hasn't heard from you she will chase you up anyway.

OldChairMan · 24/02/2025 07:54

Redburnett · 23/02/2025 23:48

She is sparing you the angst of what to do about the children because it is a child free wedding and as you say there will be no-one to take care of them. If she had invited you then she might have worried that you would want her to make an exception for your children. She has actually relieved you of a lot of stress. Enjoy your children and the money you will save. Most weddings are overrated anyway.

Why are you stating this made up nonsense as if it was fact?

BooomShakeTheRoom · 24/02/2025 07:59

Yanbu. I wonder if she didn’t want to “waste” the time of inviting you, waiting for you to decline, then inviting someone else. Maybe she was trying to cut out the admin.

Saying that, she should have text you, asking if you’d be able to come before sending formal invites if that was the case.

MrsPeterHarris · 24/02/2025 09:53

Horationor · 23/02/2025 23:08

I really think it's a mix up or it's lost in the post.
If not, it's really shitty!
Ask your cousin.

This!

CuteEasterBunny · 24/02/2025 10:12

I would be surprised if it was lost in the post. That’s an easy excuse to make someone feel better.
I have cousins I would invite and some I wouldn’t. Just because some have been asked doesn’t mean they all automatically get an invite. You sound in contact but not particularly close.

Original poster
Caribun · 24/02/2025 10:14

It was deliberate. No explanation, just a "No you aren't invited". Feel really quite sad, and hurt.

OP posts:
CuteEasterBunny · 24/02/2025 10:15

Ouch. At least you now know and they’ve been upfront.

Topjoe19 · 24/02/2025 10:16

Oh I'm so sorry. That is very spiteful to leave you out & invite everyone else. If that happened to my sibling I know what I'd be doing.

PleaseAndThankYou12 · 24/02/2025 10:19

Caribun · 24/02/2025 10:14

It was deliberate. No explanation, just a "No you aren't invited". Feel really quite sad, and hurt.

Sorry to read this OP Flowers

I'm very close to one of my cousins and I know this would destroy me!

Although, I'm cheeky and I'd be asking for a reason. Especially when everyone else is invited!

Sending you love x