Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

I hope the groom doesn't show up!

If the bride posted saying ‘Can I not invite my cousin to my wedding?’ it would be full of people saying that it’s your wedding invite who you want.

There’s actually a post from earlier today from somebody wanting to miss their cousin off the invite list for their past behaviour… It won’t be as clear cut as there being no reason.

Well exactly. The very same posters would be falling over themselves with you can invite who you want, leave the bitch off.

So what?

In this instance literally everybody else has been invited. That's the problem.

Hmm…that’s why everyone who hasn’t read OP’s updates is still urging her to contact her cousin I suppose? Because it was so very obvious 🤔

A wedding invitation arrived at my house once; the address was to our house but the person it was addressed to just didn’t live there, and never had. We had never heard of them. Mistakes do happen. And it is not usual to single one family member out as the cousin has done here.

So what do you parents and siblings think of cousin's reply?

Iloveyoubut · 23/02/2025 20:51

As hard as it is can you find a way to be brave and just text and ask? Just phrase it nicely and grit your teeth and hit send and once you’ve hit send it’s done! Then you can throw your phone on the couch and run around screaming in terror for ten minutes - I’m also a coward so I understand! You’re not doing anything wrong or being confrontational at all be asking OP

@Iloveyoubut I think we are long lost twins! Honestly thought I was the only one of earth who HATED sending messages to deem/ed too ‘confrontational’ (to the point I’d rather get a plane and vanish!!) and when I have /do send a message I’ll then hide it under the cushion on the couch and even start randomly scrubbing floors , singing to drown out any ‘message pings on phone’ .. like hiding the phone makes me feel they can’t see the message 😩🤣

OP- did I misread in a recent reply/post upthread that you’ve said your siblings or cousins have DC too? And if so were your siblings/cousins still invited?

Is your cousin closer to other family members .. more so than she is with you?

Is she worried about something you haven’t maybe thought of? Do you mention the top no nos at social gatherings? Like opinions on DC / childcare / bringing up DC
Schooling/Education
Politics
Religion etc ??

does your DH get along well with B2Be and Groom?

Did you invite your cousin to your own wedding?

Do you think your cousin feels you would be ‘offended’ if she said ‘no children’ rule to you?

Also fwiw.. lots of people have ‘no children allowed’ in invitations to Relatives BUT they’ll make allowances and have their best friends going /mates kiddos at their weddings .. this too could be a factor

Lastly it seems so unfair to seemingly single you out .. I have seen on this very website when a MN writes a post saying they feel bad but they have to draw a line somewhere and ‘are they being unreasonable’ to just not invite their cousins (for eg) and the replies are all ‘OP - it’s your wedding! Invite or don’t invite who the hell you want! Don’t feel ‘bad’ or give it a second thought!

Which is fair enough advice BUT your post shows how it feels when the shoes on the other foot so to speak.. and shows us how and why weddings end up being just such a headache with so many ‘politics’ and no matter what anyone does there’s always someone who is hurt .. whether it be the ‘no children’ rule ..

There was an interesting MN post a few weeks ago and the poster had invited her auntie and uncle who lived in Sydney , Australia and it was going to cost her DA and DU a few thousand dollars/ pounds for the trip in air fair / hotels / outfits/ wedding gifts (in other words the same price you’d pay to go to Australia from Uk
BUT the MN making the post on here and she was the one getting married was really upset / put out/ offended .. as her aunt and uncle spending thousands coming from Aus to uk to attend her wedding .. they were bringing their grown DD too .. all the way from Aus and costing a small fortune and cost of a kidney donation .. as their DD had severe MH problems and they couldn’t not bring her BUT the OP MN strictly said ‘no DC’ and they were still bringing their grown up DD as she had severe disabilities and the OP wanted to know how to word it that she wasn’t allowed to come! To ‘un invite ‘ her and it was already costing her relatives thousands just to make the trip from the other side of the world!

Weddings/ invites / families and politics are SO problematic no wonder people want to just vanish and get married in a beautiful exotic gorgeous country and not tell a single soul!!

So you must have offended her at some point? Is there anything you can think of to make sense of it?

If you were my sister I wouldn’t go either, out of solidarity.

Because they're not that bright?

Also HIGHLY unlikely someone can do something so bad to be snubbed in this way, without having a single inkling of anything ever happening.

It is unlikely but can happen. I have a friend of 20 years, god mother to her three children, her to mine etc etc. She stopped responding to my calls about 12 years ago and despite me going over and over possibilities I have no idea what I did wrong.
I tried to ask at the time, I've tried picking up with her later on FB and continue to be friends on there with her DC’s, but nothing.

She did have form for cutting off her family members though.

I would have to ask why @Caribun.

Oh for crying out loud!!

500 posts later...

The lack of reading comprehension and lack of posters' ability to filter out just the OP's posts on this thread is astonishing.

Oh OP, I really feel for you, and it would absolutely tear me up to not know why. It sounds like your cousin has some sort of issue with you, given the bluntness of the response. I would have to ask why, I think. Though of course it’s understandable if you don’t want to persue it. I also wouldn’t go if it was my sibling and there was no valid reason.

I, for one, wasn't even aware of the filter option. clearly I don't spend enough time on this forum. be nice people, we're only human

If that was my sister or daughter being singled out I wouldn't go to the wedding either

I would go directly and ask your cousin. “My parents and siblings have all received their invitations to your wedding and are looking forward to it, it sounds lovely. I haven’t had an invitation and wondered if this was an accident or if you don’t want me to come. Of course it’s your wedding and you must invite only who you want, but I would like the opportunity to apologise if I have done anything to upset you and led to this.”

or something along those lines?

I suspect there is more to this. Also the fact the OP’s mum didn’t ask seems to imply that everyone knows what that reason is.

I suspect the OP knows why.

No. Ask your mum! Ask her to find out the real reason but by the sounds of it, she’s the wuss.

She has if you read back.

Maybe it would be better in MN changed the wording of the function, but if you select See All on the bottom right hand corner of the OP's first post it will bring up every post they have made on this thread.

Sorry. I didn’t realise how many pages there were- postings in a hurry.

seems very odd. Just ‘no you aren’t invited.’ I would have to ask why.

If I were your mother or siblings I wouldn’t go, if there’s a good reason then the cousin should tell you. We didn’t invite the best man’s sister to our wedding because my husband couldn’t stand her, she didn’t ask but I’d certainly have told her that if she did.

Please seek clarity. Consider sending something like the following:

"Thank you for you frank reply. I must admit, I'm a bit taken aback. I completely understand that it's your special day, and of course, you’re the one making all the decisions, which I absolutely respect. I guess I just didn’t expect to be left out, particularly as my parents and siblings are attending. If there’s something I’ve missed or a reason behind it, I’d be really grateful for some clarity. I just wanted to share how I’m feeling, but please know I completely understand if it’s a difficult or personal decision. Wishing you all the best for your big day, and I sincerely hope it’s everything you’ve dreamed of."

How are you doing @Caribun? Did you get any more insight into the lack of invitation?

Any update @Caribun ?