Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

As hard as it is can you find a way to be brave and just text and ask? Just phrase it nicely and grit your teeth and hit send and once you’ve hit send it’s done! Then you can throw your phone on the couch and run around screaming in terror for ten minutes - I’m also a coward so I understand! You’re not doing anything wrong or being confrontational at all be asking OP.

So if your siblings have small kids too, then it can’t be what your mum suggested about it being about that?

I would definitely drop her a message. No need to be confrontational, just a quick one like @BatchCookBabe suggested would be perfect. It must be an oversight/lost in the post situation, surely.

Ask her yourself or get your mum to ask? Maybe there’s been a terrible misunderstanding

Just message your cousin!

I mean it is a real cheek to leave you out. This cousin sounds nasty. She clearly didn't want you there for some reason and didn't care that you would find out and be upset. Don't give it any more thought. Its always good to find out where you stand with people and then you can adjust your behaviour accordingly and match her energy. Do not ask her why you're not invited as probably you won't get a truthful answer. Sorry that you're upset. I would be too. I have been the only one not invited to afternoon tea with the rest of my family and found out when my nephew let it slip. It really hurt me. It was a place I always wanted to go to and would have been so nice to all be together for my husband and son too. They just didn't want us there. Look up the let them theory. It helped me deal with this. Basically just let them crack on and control what you can control in your life. You got this!

Just message her

You really should screw up your courage and ask her if your invitation got lost in the post. If she has asked all your siblings and you haven't fallen out there can be no reason for her not to ask you. It would be a shame if your relationship was broken and it turned out to be a mistake. Does your mother know something she hasn't told you, it seems strange that she didn't help.

Ask her as @BatchCookBabe you don’t get to loose anything.
don’t ask your mum to negotiate.
I wouldn’t trust her and this sort of side approach was always the worst - it would be your mum and your aunt discussing things not you and your cousin.

Yeah this. If you don't have the courage to ask your cousin, could your mother not intervene @Caribun ? I know you're a grown up, but I would absolutely ask on behalf of one of my adult DC if one of their cousins left them off their wedding guest list (and invited other siblings!) If my DC didn't have the courage to ask.....

Not confrontational like, just similar to what I suggested earlier. Just text like 'Hiya..... I wonder if caribun's invitation to your wedding got lost? She's a bit confused at not getting one when her siblings and everyone else in the family seems to have...... Is she invited?'

I really think you need to ask her.

One quick, potentially awkward, convo is going to be much better for you than quietly being hurt, questioning yourself, never knowing why and having to spend endless years feeling awkward and uncomfortable at any future family gatherings.

It might have been a mistake, it might be something else. You should know either way so you can decide how best to move forward.

What was your mums reaction? Was she baffled and then came up with the kid thing or sounded like she thought it was reasonable?

The problem with someone asking on your behalf is that they might have their own ideas about the situation and handle it differently. I personally wouldn’t trust my mum to negotiate on my behalf, I did in the past and only later I realised that it wasn’t helpful at all because she always did it in her way not as I asked her to do.
Caribun’s mum didn’t sound particularly bothered about this lack of invite so I wouldn’t ask her to negotiate.

She initially said that "everyone has been invited" and that mine would be on the way, then she changed her tune when it hadn't arrived and everyone else's had and started saying about them not wanting children at the wedding and maybe that was why we hadn't been invited. She seemed surprised I hadn't been invited.

Fair enough.

Well it sounds like you need to do as I and many others have said @Caribun and ask your cousin directly. Just the short polite friendly message I suggested earlier.

If your close then surely the wedding will come up in your conversations..

As awkward as it may be, you just need to ask her directly.

Just message her now. Try saying something like...

Hi, hope you don't mind me asking but I wondered if we were invited to the wedding? Only we haven't received anything yet and other people have had their invites. No hard feelings either way x'

Yes this is what you need to do.

Be brave and email. Hi I’ve heard that everyone else has an invitation to your wedding but not me! Was that intentional? If not I’d love to come. DH would stay at home with the children.
Whats the worse that could happen?

As awkward as it may feel, do ask your cousin.

My aunt invited me to her church wedding ceremony only, but not to the rest of the wedding. She did the same to another cousin but no one else. We were both reasonably close to her but neither of us were game to ask. Other family members confirmed that there was a large wedding reception etc as they had invites for this, and we later saw many photos on facebook depicting a large wedding. We never asked, both declined the invite (I would have had a 7-hour round trip) and cousin a full day’s train journey) and we’ve never heard from aunt since. She cut us off for declining. I wish I’d asked.

Maybe she's mentally appointed you as the sole babysitter for all family kids 😂?

Tbh unless she's much closer to your siblings for some reason, it sounds like the invite has been lost or delayed in the post.

I would leave out 'was that intentional?' That sounds a bit arsey and confrontational.

She just needs Ross to take her as his put one 😂

Can't you contact your cousin and just ask if she's excited about the wedding. Open up conversation? She may feel the need to explain why you're not invited ( or ask if you're coming wondering why you haven't rsvp'd)

I wouldn't contact her, because I wouldn't believe her if she said "oh, it's a mistake, of course you're invited" and would feel awkward going on those terms. She has excluded you, she needs to be the one to address it and if she doesn't she shouldn't expect to hear from you again.