Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

Yep! That's fab!

Thanks, I'll send it in the morning and see what reply we get.

My cousin invited me to his wedding and not my sister. We couldn't quite believe it. I emailed him for clarification. We were very close growing up. He didn't reply.
I can't recall if I went in the end - it was 20 years ago and it was only part of the wedding. We all went to the other part of the wedding. However, a few years he said that he couldn't invite everyone. It was his wife who was making decisions as she organised it all. His wife is actually really lovely and we all really like her. So we have moved passed it but I think my cousin massively messed up and should have had more backbone.
Anyway, you won't know until you ask your cousin.

Oh OP that’s genuinely shit 😢

YANBU nothing worse than people making decisions for you based on their perception of circumstances. Highly ignorant.

This is much better
Yours is almost a bit rude because it assumes theres been a mistake because obviously you are invited. Especially when she’s already ignored you once. I’d be suspicious that Dm knows more than she’s letting on if she’s making guesses and not following it up for you with her sister/brother or is this your dads side?

I think it will all be a mix up and a lost invitation. I hope you hear back quickly from her!

Itll be sorted tommorow and then yiull know either way

You don't have much of a relationship if you can't ask her.

I'd blame the post. Our post is completely unreliable now, so every chance of an invitation getting lost.

FFS. Don't talk daft! Sometimes it's hard to say things to the people you are closest to.

Argh I hate things like this. Hope it’s an easy resolution!

Can't you just put your brave pants on and say you completely understand that she's having a kid free wedding, and your kids are not invited.

However you don't want Cousin to feel you'd snubbed her by not replying and just wanted to check whether she'd thought it was kinder to have not invited you on your own, or if she had sent an invite just for you but it had been lost in the post. Either way it is fine.

I really think it's a mix up or it's lost in the post.
If not, it's really shitty!
Ask your cousin.

Exactly. Just ask! It’s not conflict it’s clarification.

Yes to this ^
The person I’m mostly walking on eggshells around is my sister.
I can tell both of my cousins anything, I don’t care much about their opinion or mental health or whatever. We don’t have a relationship.

That's rude and horribly unfair to leave you out when everyone else in the family has been invited. I am sorry. It's so hard not to take things like this to heart when there is no justifiable reason for it.

If you haven't fallen out then it simply must be because of the kids. Unless she strongly dislikes your partner? And doesn't want to say?
There's little you can do, but send a card and maybe put something like ' Hope you had lovely wedding. It looked beautiful. I would've really liked to have been there'.
That will tell her all she needs to know! Either do that or just move on and say nothing.

In your cae, you should just speak to your cousin frankly.
Be prepared for any answer but it's likely an oversight or mistake or postal problem.

I'm glad you'll ask her.
She probably missed your invitation as a genuine accident. Sounds daft, but if you're not loud, awkward, etc. you probably just fit in the general group of, 'family we must invite', and while writing the bulk out your name was ticked on the list but minus the invitation, or slipped off the names to be printed.
However, If you ask and she ignores you or says something horrible then tell all your family and have nothing to do with her henceforth as that is cruel of her.

This is probably just another nail in the coffin of an increasingly disconnected society. Too tricky to have a conversation about no small kids? I know, we'll just not send an invite - that'll be easier. They'll know what we meant - it'll be fine. No it won't; by not picking up that phone you've really upset someone in a way that will far outlast your "big" day.

I'm not sure when we properly rejected the notions of good manners and etiquette, but when people plan big events, but don't have the skills or willingness to oil all the cogs, it does feel like society has become all fur and no knickers. I had some absolutely ghastly people at my first wedding who neither of us liked or wanted to be there, but it was that or offend other family members, which just wasn't on. Do no harm has to be the first rule of any large celebration.

My second wedding was tiny - it would have been smaller had my chap not buggered up the invites. I've read quite a few threads on here about mothers upset that their children got married without them and similar. But if you aren't willing to tie up all the loose threads, including having people there who you don't want to see, then that's the next best option. In essence your cousin is spending an absolute fortune to hurt at least one family member. If that is unintentional, it's a very poor return on the investment in the event.

It's either that, or your mother is also a wuss, just like you (self-proclaimed), and won't tell you how you've mortally wounded your cousin. At least exhaust that angle, because then you can at least occupy the moral high ground without any shadow of a doubt.

That's a really good tactful message.

I agree. It’s a good message.

Not really. It's far ruder to invite all siblings except one.

Assuming if your siblings have been invited, you have too is entirely reasonable.

She is sparing you the angst of what to do about the children because it is a child free wedding and as you say there will be no-one to take care of them. If she had invited you then she might have worried that you would want her to make an exception for your children. She has actually relieved you of a lot of stress. Enjoy your children and the money you will save. Most weddings are overrated anyway.