Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

@Caribun But she’s invited your siblings and they have kids - is that right?

Someone has to address this, it’s awful. If your parents are too cowardly then you have to I’m afraid. And it would be best if it was you either way.

Are you definitely sure you’re not invited?

If there’s no family drama, I wonder if they’ve tried to be thoughtful and not put you in a difficult spot, but clearly severely misjudged the situation.
If it’s no kids, and they sent it just to you & DP, how would you have responded? Would you have been someone who would try to insist on the kids coming, or would you have politely declined due to childcare?

If she has invited you but the invitation has got lost, you are going to look awful for not responding and not sending a gift! So you do need to be brave and double check this.

How about a text saying:

Hi Cousin. Congrats again on the wedding. This is a bit awkward but just wanted to doublecheck whether we’re invited to the wedding. No worries if not as I get guest lists are tough to organise (and hope you have a fabulous day) but if it’s just that our invite has gone astray in the post didn’t want to ghost you and miss the chance to celebrate with you! Love Caribun

Honestly.. I’d leave it after reading about all the excluded women on MumsNet. People know they’ve excluded you and never see any wrong in it.

It sounds like your mum may have questioned it already if she’s not be more forthcoming in finding out for you.

I tried that as they're using the same caterer as we did and she didn't respond to me which is what makes me feel like it's deliberate.

That's a very good suggestion from @Katrinawaves .

Polite and friendly. Its going to have an impact if you don't ask and doing it in the way suggested is a way forward.

It's awkward already now so just ask.

I know that asking what's going on is uncomfortable, but I think you really do need to summon up 5 seconds of courage and do it. If you ask then there are multiple possible outcomes, the best of which is that you find out it was an oversight or error (wrong address, lost post, or simply a complete brain glitch when making a guest list) and the worst of which is that it was intentional, their explanation is worthless, and you end up feeling hurt and the relationship is ruined. But the reality is that if you don't ask then that worst-case outcome is a certainty - you're already incredibly hurt and will likely never feel ok about her or the relationship if you say nothing and assume it was intentional.

If you really can't bring yourself to take a big breath and hit send on a text then at least explicitly ask your DM to ask.

I'd definitely ask. There's not really a good reason other than your invitation is missing.

I'd message and say "hi I'm aware my siblings have all received invites to your wedding and I haven't, just want to clarify there hasn't been a mistake and if I'm not invited to check if I have offended you? Hope you are well take care x"

If it is a snub I'd be dropping her anyway so nothing lost. And if it's an error it gets cleared up. If someone did that to my sibling I would boycott the wedding in solidarity.

My mum spent years thinking she wasn't invited to 2 of her cousins weddings, her 2 cousins spent years thinking she ghosted the invite. The invites went through my DGM who didn't pass them on to my DM as she thought childcare would be a hassle...
You need to be brave and ask your cousin, there are good suggestions up thread.

Honestly wonder if your mum knows something if she’s making excuses about the kids as opposed to assuming your invite was lost?
I personally would move on and secretly hope it pisses down with rain on the day or the food is shit 🤣

I would definitely message.

Hi Coz,
I hope that this doesn’t sound rude or put you in a difficult position, but I was really surprised not to receive an invitation to your wedding like the rest of the family. I am now concerned that I’ve inadvertently done something to upset you? I appreciate that it’s your day and up to you who to invite but I’m a bit confused, to be honest.
Love, Caribun.

I’ve had this before and it was a lost invite. I’ve also had a wedding invite that wasn’t clear I had a plus one and when I went alone, the bride and groom were surprised my partner wasn’t with me! Mistakes happen - just ask outright! It’s way less awkward having a quick chat than it is months of not knowing!

You've got to ask your cousin directly. Not in a big dramatic way but just checking in case your invite has got lost. You are feeling hurt now so you have nothing to lose by asking.

Do I just say something like...

"Hiya cousin, just checking in because [siblings] have received their invitations and I didn't want you thinking I was rude by not responding to an RSVP, but we haven't received anything for us. Let me know".

Gosh, just ask her. There's nothing to be scared of you're merely communicating with a relative to know where you stand... The invitation has likely just been missed. You won't know until you ask.

Yes, that's a great message

Or you can just be another passive MNetter who daren't open their mouth/makes up scenarios and prefers to whine and seethe on the internet.

.

Cross posted.

Yes, this is good 👍🏼

Yes! I voted YABU because I think you should just ask her. If she says you aren’t invited, that’s a thread! 😊

I’d say ‘hi cousin, hope the wedding plans are coming along okay. I haven’t got an invitation so should I presume I’m not on your list? Unsure if I should make childcare arrangements or not.’

Don't just mention it to you mum ask her to ask outright can ? Come if she leaves the children at home with her husband, she is very upset about being the only one who isn't coming.

Yep, that's fab!

Or if you can pluck up the courage to message her yourself.