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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blanked him after he cancelled our date, AIBU?

187 replies

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 16:35

New relationship of 6 months.

He can be a bit flaky. I try to be understanding when he's stressed with work / family matters but after him cancelling on me at short notice this morning I'm left feeling sad and unappreciated again (because it isn't the first time, he has form for it)

We won't be able to see one another next week so planned to go for a 'valentines day breakfast' this morning, as we generally can't do Fridays and weekends (children/work) and won't see each other for the next 10 days.

He text me at 7am saying

"I feel like shit today. I just want to get DC into school and get back home to relax before work. How about you take (friend) for breakfast and i'll see you tomorrow if you can do that. Sorry to cancel"

He isn't ill, that isn't what he means. He means he's tired or can't be arsed.

It upset me. I'd made an effort and was excited to see him. He knows Fridays aren't realistic.

I replied "oh thanks a bunch, it's very short notice"

Sorry, he says.

I spent the day feeling sad and unappreciated.

He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.

Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

How would you have handled this situation?

There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it.

No idea when I'll hear from him again and not sure I want to now.

Am I unreasonable and petty or is this perfectly reasonable after being messed around?

OP posts:
Cafenoisette · 13/02/2025 19:09

Did you meet him online? It sounds like he could be dating someone else at the same time, hence keep changing plans.

IfYouLook · 13/02/2025 19:10

The brother excuse and the cancelling when you were on your way over just a few days ago smacks of someone else in the wings. Or he’s just not that into you sadly. Either way don’t waste any further time.

FriendsDrinkBook · 13/02/2025 19:13

Why wait until he contacts you op?

I'd simply text saying that it's not working for me and all the best etc.

It seems like you're holding out to see if he suddenly becomes your dream man , which is crazy as his actions tell you what he thinks of you. Be decisive.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/02/2025 19:14

I couldn’t be bothered to think about him anymore. He doesn’t deserve the headspace.

OP, you know you’re not interested in him now so focus on you. If/when he contacts let him know it’s him not you and then go on your merry way.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 19:15

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/02/2025 18:36

Fair enough, but a couple of evenings ago OP was on her way to meet him and he cancelled because his brother wanted a favour of some kind. This kind of behaviour is not limited to him being optimistic about how much he can get done in the morning. And this was supposed to be their valentine's day celebration.

Show quote history

Depends a bit what his brother needed, doesn't it? Whether it was something that had to be done that evening or not.

NameChanges123 · 13/02/2025 19:18

"There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it."

Yeah, and this pattern will continue. Just keep walking on...

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:26

You ask how ‘we would handle the situation’, so here is the truth lovely… I WOULD WALK AWAY NOW, in fact I would run, this guy is using you when it suits him.
Think about it, when you have a planned date /meet up/ arrangement, whatever you want to call it with him, do you get that bubble of excitement? do you look forward to seeing him? I think the answer is yes. If I could ask him the same question what do you think his answer would be? Judging by your post he wouldn’t feel any of that, he’s not into you, and he hasn’t got the guts to be honest with you. He’s definitely voiding anything to do with Valentine’s Day so that should be a lightbulb moment for you.
Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected and repeatedly let down by this man, you are worth more. Even if you stayed together ask who yourself, would you be happy? Go find a man knows the meaning of respect, because this one sure doesn’t give a hoot for your feelings.
I sincerely wish you well OP, and I’m sorry you met this arsehole of a man.

JHound · 13/02/2025 19:27

When somebody shows you who they are - believe them.

This is the early days. When he is meant to be impressing you. And this is how he is acting.

I would sack him off.

pinkfondu · 13/02/2025 19:28

I think those who are dating atm are probs the ones who are on your side. Fuck him. If he wanted to he would!!

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:28

Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/02/2025 19:14

I couldn’t be bothered to think about him anymore. He doesn’t deserve the headspace.

OP, you know you’re not interested in him now so focus on you. If/when he contacts let him know it’s him not you and then go on your merry way.

Spot on

napody · 13/02/2025 19:29

MzHz · 13/02/2025 16:43

he is not into you, he cba, you deserve someone who at 6m in is counting the minutes until they see you again

This. He's acting like it's a chore on his to do list. That'll do you no good at all.

JHound · 13/02/2025 19:32

AlexandrinaH · 13/02/2025 18:46

Men and women think differently though - whatever anyone tries to tell you.

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Not when it comes to being low effort. No man is low effort for a woman he likes and wants to keep around.

Come on now.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:32

Katrinawaves · 13/02/2025 17:59

There are 3 doors here @Sadorpetty

Door A

Hi John. The repeated cancelling at short notice is getting old. I’m just not that into in you to be messed around in this way so I think it’s time we call it a day.

Door B

Hi John. I was upset when you cancelled again at short notice for no apparent good reason. I’m not prepared to go on in this way so over to you. Do you want to talk about this as if we’re going to continue to see each other this has to change.

Door C

Hi John. Sorry not to stop to talk this evening. In all honesty I was hacked off that you cancelled again at short notice but all good now. See you next Friday.

which one feels most inviting to you? Open that one and see where it takes you.

This is great advice, I’d choose the first option!

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:33

napody · 13/02/2025 19:29

This. He's acting like it's a chore on his to do list. That'll do you no good at all.

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Yeah, unfortunately that’s true

GameOfJones · 13/02/2025 19:36

It's clear he's just not that bothered about you. This should be the fun and happy stage. Cancelling last minute twice in just a few days really does tell you everything you need to know. I probably would just end it via a message tonight to avoid him messaging on Valentine's Day and you telling him to jog on. At least then it's not hanging over you wondering whether he'll get in touch.

fatphalange · 13/02/2025 19:37

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 18:55

I would have been happy going over if he said he wanted to stay in, it wasn't given as an option.

I actually offered to do that initially.

Yesterday evening we were talking about seeing one another before valentines day as we couldn't on the day, I suggested I could go over to his for a couple of hours before he goes to work, he then suggested we go out for breakfast instead.

He definitely wanted to be on his own / not see me at all today.

Low mood and anxiety was mentioned above and that is something that is a factor with him and is why I've been really understanding and accommodating, until now, I really have.

I need to put myself first now as he clearly thinks he has carte blanche to cancel whenever he just cba.

Urgh, even worse. He passed the chance to be with you for a couple of hours in favour of going out for breakfast! You're at the stage where you should be ripping each other's clothes off if you don't get the chance to see each other much.

Thepossibility · 13/02/2025 19:38

End it. My DH would've gone hours out of his way to see me at that stage. I was always his priority. Him making plans and cancelling them shows you he can't be arsed with you and that is just not good enough.

SpringleDingle · 13/02/2025 20:00

I’d handle it by dumping him, I am too wonderful to be with a guy who just isn’t that into me!

Undrugged · 13/02/2025 20:01

He’s low effort and low energy. Depression and anxiety my arse.

I wonder if he’s so low energy and spineless that he can’t even be bothered to sack you off so is behaving shittily so you’ll do it. I know LOADS of men who have done this to my female friends, and one to me. He even told me he ‘didn’t like making decisions but this was probably a good one’ when I dumped his sorry backside 😂

RedPandaLove · 13/02/2025 20:01

I think 6months is enough to decide whether you think he’s making enough effort with you. Until I met my DH, I felt like every man I dated or was in a relationship with had made me feel like how you’re feeling right now which is why it ended. Being with my lovely DH has made me realise how much time I wasted with those men before, that it was me who put the effort in, bent over backwards, only to feel let down and disappointed.

If you truly feel unappreciated in this relationship, please know that there is someone out there who would at the very least meet you half way and make you feel needed, desired and missed. Know your worth :) xx

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/02/2025 20:35

I wouldn’t bother any further with him.

A breakfast isn’t worth his while to see you? Doesn’t sound worth bothering with him any more!

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/02/2025 20:47

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 19:15

Depends a bit what his brother needed, doesn't it? Whether it was something that had to be done that evening or not.

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I think you're having a laugh.

CityofOliveBranch · 13/02/2025 21:27

FriendsDrinkBook · 13/02/2025 19:13

Why wait until he contacts you op?

I'd simply text saying that it's not working for me and all the best etc.

It seems like you're holding out to see if he suddenly becomes your dream man , which is crazy as his actions tell you what he thinks of you. Be decisive.

I completely agree with this poster

I’m not normally in favour of messaging a man when they’ve behaved like a selfish twat, but in your shoes I’d be dumping him pronto. Because I think that two very last minute cancellations from him in a few days, could well mean he’s losing interest.

So I’d get in there first.

Eenameenadeeka · 13/02/2025 21:50

Blanking him was petty but it's understandable that you feel hurt.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 14/02/2025 09:22

He has just text me to say happy valentines day, I'm going to break it off now.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom yesterday, it really helped me to keep sight of the fact that whilst blanking him in the street was a bit unreasonable, calling it a day isn't.

OP posts: