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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blanked him after he cancelled our date, AIBU?

187 replies

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 16:35

New relationship of 6 months.

He can be a bit flaky. I try to be understanding when he's stressed with work / family matters but after him cancelling on me at short notice this morning I'm left feeling sad and unappreciated again (because it isn't the first time, he has form for it)

We won't be able to see one another next week so planned to go for a 'valentines day breakfast' this morning, as we generally can't do Fridays and weekends (children/work) and won't see each other for the next 10 days.

He text me at 7am saying

"I feel like shit today. I just want to get DC into school and get back home to relax before work. How about you take (friend) for breakfast and i'll see you tomorrow if you can do that. Sorry to cancel"

He isn't ill, that isn't what he means. He means he's tired or can't be arsed.

It upset me. I'd made an effort and was excited to see him. He knows Fridays aren't realistic.

I replied "oh thanks a bunch, it's very short notice"

Sorry, he says.

I spent the day feeling sad and unappreciated.

He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.

Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

How would you have handled this situation?

There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it.

No idea when I'll hear from him again and not sure I want to now.

Am I unreasonable and petty or is this perfectly reasonable after being messed around?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 13/02/2025 17:02

6 months is more than enough time to know if a relationship's working for you.
It isn't, so the sooner you bin him off, the better.
If he expects you to explain why, he's even worse than he seems, so I'd just go with the "this isn't working for me" line.

Colacubegirl · 13/02/2025 17:03

I’m telling you as a mum who also suffers with anxiety and low moods that he isn’t into you the same you are him. Regardless, you always make the effort or want to see your partner. Of course they’ll be occasions like being sick that cant be helped. But he isn’t into you enough to make the effort.

Cancelling on your girlfriend just before you’re meant to meet because you basically cba and would rather chill at home… he obviously hasn’t got time for a girlfriend yet and mentally needs to be alone.

If this isn’t the first time either I would probably end things.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 17:05

I did think I'd been childish blanking him in the street and have been second guessing myself, hence posting.

I was still quite upset when I saw him and didn't want to get into a conversation about it in the street and end up looking like a fool.

I agree a conversation has to be had. What a load of crap this turned out to be.

I'm actually more annoyed with myself than I am him because I should have called it off sooner, knowing where I stand and all.

OP posts:
nodramaplz · 13/02/2025 17:06

Match his energy!

Gettingslimmer · 13/02/2025 17:07

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 17:05

I did think I'd been childish blanking him in the street and have been second guessing myself, hence posting.

I was still quite upset when I saw him and didn't want to get into a conversation about it in the street and end up looking like a fool.

I agree a conversation has to be had. What a load of crap this turned out to be.

I'm actually more annoyed with myself than I am him because I should have called it off sooner, knowing where I stand and all.

Whar sort of conversation do you mean. You need to end it. Not try to get him to treat you better, thay doesn’t work and he won’t respect you for it.

Colacubegirl · 13/02/2025 17:07

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 17:05

I did think I'd been childish blanking him in the street and have been second guessing myself, hence posting.

I was still quite upset when I saw him and didn't want to get into a conversation about it in the street and end up looking like a fool.

I agree a conversation has to be had. What a load of crap this turned out to be.

I'm actually more annoyed with myself than I am him because I should have called it off sooner, knowing where I stand and all.

I agree you shouldn’t of blanked him that was childish of you but a convo needs to be had.

susiedaisy1912 · 13/02/2025 17:08

In a year's time he will be putting in even less effort, I know you're feeling sad but it's best to let it go and move on from him.

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 17:10

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than going out for breakfast between the school run and starting work!
Either way it’s fine to move on if it’s not working for you but yeah to just blank him going forward does make you a dick.

happinessischocolate · 13/02/2025 17:11

I'd bin him, and have done so for less

Do you want a casual shag who you see when you can both be bothered or do you want someone who adores you and would walk over broken glass to spend some time with you, especially if he wasn't going to see you again for over a week.

whatawonderfultime · 13/02/2025 17:12

It sounds like he needed some time for his own wellbeing/mental health.

He explained.
He suggested an alternative day.
He didn't demand/assume you could do an alternative day, he asked.
He suggested an alternative plan for you as well because he didn't want you to be disappointed at missing out.
He apologised.

There was literally nothing more he could do, outside of maybe sending flowers but he probably had that planned for Valentine's anyway.

I don't think there's anything bad here and if you hadn't thrown all your toys out the pram you'd be looking forward to breakfast with him tomorrow.

It says more about you than him tbh, if you react like that every time a plan needs to be rearranged.

Blogswife · 13/02/2025 17:13

I’d have probably dealt with it same as you . If he can’t be bothered to make the effort it doesn’t bode well . I’d bin him and find someone who’s actually interested in spending time with you .

May09Bump · 13/02/2025 17:13

End it without the drama - it's not working so I don't want to continue with the relationship.

Gettingslimmer · 13/02/2025 17:14

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 17:10

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than going out for breakfast between the school run and starting work!
Either way it’s fine to move on if it’s not working for you but yeah to just blank him going forward does make you a dick.

I agree with you and to be honest, I can see myself giving it a body swerve, and saying meet later, I will find you on the way home, who wants to rush the kids to school them have breakfast in between that and work,but she was all excited.and still upset hours later.

ItGhoul · 13/02/2025 17:17

It doesn’t sound like you’re happy in the relationship and if these issues are arising after only six months, that’s a bad sign. I’d end it if something was bothering me this much.

I think blanking your actual boyfriend in the street is a pretty odd way to handle conflict though. Absolutely normal and reasonable to be pissed off if he keeps cancelling dates, but why would you not just have a conversation about it and/or end the relationship rather than blanking him? I do find that weird; it’s like something a teenage girl would do if they’d fallen out with another girl in her class.

Dandelion193 · 13/02/2025 17:20

If he didn't fancy doing breakfast between school run and work then he shouldn't have booked it with you, I'd imagine you'd not be anywhere near as annoyed if he suggested an alternative in the first place. I've dated men like this where they expect you to work around them but quite happy to cancel on you last minute because they've decided they can't be bothered/ are a bit tired etc. they don't change
I would end it, obviously if they cancelled for good reasons then it's different. But that doesn't sound the case. Find someone who is willing to put in a similar amount of effort and don't feel guilty when they come crying that they really like you and are sorry. They never feel guilty when they let you down, only when you decide they aren't worth the hassle and try to get rid of them. Any extra effort they put in when you decide to give it another go, will soon be dropped when they get comfortable again

biscuitsandbooks · 13/02/2025 17:21

He sounds totally unbothered.

I wouldn't worry about looking rude and would just end things now.

soarklyknobs · 13/02/2025 17:21

Is he the kind of guy that can't make time for dates, but can make time for sex?

I'm wondering if you're seeing things from different perspectives. You think you're dating and he thinks you're someone to have casual sex with, so he has no interest in meeting you for breakfast, but would meet you on Valentine's Day for an afternoon in bed.

Branleuse · 13/02/2025 17:21

You don't owe him anything. I dont blame you for ignoring him. Fuck him

Moonshine5 · 13/02/2025 17:21

When people are "into you" they don't cancel.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 17:22

I'm prepared to own it, it is very 'throwing my toys out the pram' I agree.

For wider context, the last time he cancelled last minute to reschedule was only on Monday, he called when I was already driving over to say can we do Tuesday night instead as he has to do something for his brother.

I was accommodating and said no problem, despite being peeved as I was already en route, and saw him Tuesday as asked.

That wasn't the first time by a long shot though. He has consistently shown me that I'm never a priority.

So this today, so soon after that, feels like the straw that broke the camels back iyswim?

OP posts:
Gettingslimmer · 13/02/2025 17:22

Dandelion193 · 13/02/2025 17:20

If he didn't fancy doing breakfast between school run and work then he shouldn't have booked it with you, I'd imagine you'd not be anywhere near as annoyed if he suggested an alternative in the first place. I've dated men like this where they expect you to work around them but quite happy to cancel on you last minute because they've decided they can't be bothered/ are a bit tired etc. they don't change
I would end it, obviously if they cancelled for good reasons then it's different. But that doesn't sound the case. Find someone who is willing to put in a similar amount of effort and don't feel guilty when they come crying that they really like you and are sorry. They never feel guilty when they let you down, only when you decide they aren't worth the hassle and try to get rid of them. Any extra effort they put in when you decide to give it another go, will soon be dropped when they get comfortable again

Hmm. I don’t work like that, I can agree to something and then wake up, feel crap, be harassed and say to the person I can’t do it but will catch you later, if it’s a big important thing clearly not. The ossue was seeing him was a big important thing to her, where as he was just thinking kids, work. It’s just breakfast I will make an effort to see her later.

Lostcat · 13/02/2025 17:23

Dror · 13/02/2025 16:39

You're not going to see him for ten days and he openly can't be bothered to see you.
Believe him.
Match his energy and discard him.

This is it

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 17:24

Moonshine5 · 13/02/2025 17:21

When people are "into you" they don't cancel.

Usually no, but a breakfast on a week day. Does that mean at 7am before they go to work??
I couldn't love anyone enough to do that.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 17:24

Also to add it was him that suggested going for breakfast in the first place 😬

OP posts:
IfYouLook · 13/02/2025 17:24

He is telling you what he has to offer at his very best - at the wooing stage. Be sure to listen because it damn well won’t get better.

Hard hard no from me.