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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blanked him after he cancelled our date, AIBU?

187 replies

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 16:35

New relationship of 6 months.

He can be a bit flaky. I try to be understanding when he's stressed with work / family matters but after him cancelling on me at short notice this morning I'm left feeling sad and unappreciated again (because it isn't the first time, he has form for it)

We won't be able to see one another next week so planned to go for a 'valentines day breakfast' this morning, as we generally can't do Fridays and weekends (children/work) and won't see each other for the next 10 days.

He text me at 7am saying

"I feel like shit today. I just want to get DC into school and get back home to relax before work. How about you take (friend) for breakfast and i'll see you tomorrow if you can do that. Sorry to cancel"

He isn't ill, that isn't what he means. He means he's tired or can't be arsed.

It upset me. I'd made an effort and was excited to see him. He knows Fridays aren't realistic.

I replied "oh thanks a bunch, it's very short notice"

Sorry, he says.

I spent the day feeling sad and unappreciated.

He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.

Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

How would you have handled this situation?

There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it.

No idea when I'll hear from him again and not sure I want to now.

Am I unreasonable and petty or is this perfectly reasonable after being messed around?

OP posts:
Saveusernsme · 13/02/2025 17:46

If he wanted to be there, he would have been. Trust your instincts and don’t waste any more head space.

thecrispfiend · 13/02/2025 17:46

Yes get rid. I have done this recently for similar reasons. It was hard but also quite empowering! And easier to get out of the relationship earlier rather than later - when they show you who they are, believe them. This then creates space for the right person to come along. You deserve better OP. Sending love and hugs xx

IkeaJesusChrist · 13/02/2025 17:47

Bin him off.

LAMPS1 · 13/02/2025 17:48

There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it.

The problem is OP, you aren’t tired enough of it, not quite yet. What will it take ?
If he came grovelling an apology, I think you would still want it to all just magically work out with one more chance given.
You admit he has form, so, let that be enough for you.
Have a proper conversation with him now you have calmed down, and resolve to end it decently.

LlynTegid · 13/02/2025 17:56

I'm sorry to read that you have or had such low self esteem to have continued this far in the relationship. Nothing wrong with being single, and someone who lacks basic decency should be dumped straight away.

Hope you can find a man who is better and is for you.

CarolinaWren · 13/02/2025 17:58

Saveusernsme · 13/02/2025 17:46

If he wanted to be there, he would have been. Trust your instincts and don’t waste any more head space.

"if he wanted to be there, he would have been"
I think that's applicable to so many different situations where we make excuses for people's bad behavior. It's rare for anyone to be too busy to do something they really want to do or spend time with someone they truly care about. It's rare for someone to be too broke to buy a gift or pay for something if it's really important to them. If a person wants something bad enough, they find a way. If they're only willing to do it when it's easy and convenient, then it's not important to them.

Londoner24 · 13/02/2025 17:58

Dump him. He’s not as invested in your relationship as you are - it’s mismatched and unlikely to change later if he can’t put more energy in the first 6 months

Katrinawaves · 13/02/2025 17:59

There are 3 doors here @Sadorpetty

Door A

Hi John. The repeated cancelling at short notice is getting old. I’m just not that into in you to be messed around in this way so I think it’s time we call it a day.

Door B

Hi John. I was upset when you cancelled again at short notice for no apparent good reason. I’m not prepared to go on in this way so over to you. Do you want to talk about this as if we’re going to continue to see each other this has to change.

Door C

Hi John. Sorry not to stop to talk this evening. In all honesty I was hacked off that you cancelled again at short notice but all good now. See you next Friday.

which one feels most inviting to you? Open that one and see where it takes you.

Kitchensinktoday · 13/02/2025 17:59

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 17:10

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than going out for breakfast between the school run and starting work!
Either way it’s fine to move on if it’s not working for you but yeah to just blank him going forward does make you a dick.

I also thought it was a strange time of day, whose idea was it?

AndThereSheGoes · 13/02/2025 18:00

So first Valentines and he can't be arsed ( today was the compromise because Fridays are tricky for you)?
Anyone can spend money but it's time and thought that counts.

Someone on here always says it will be the thing that annoys you most about them in the beginning, is the thing that will break you up in the end.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 18:00

Any chance he cancels when there's no chance he can get his leg over op?

PandaTime · 13/02/2025 18:03

By being so accommodating you have let him believe he can always prioritise his own wants and needs without any negative comeback on him. He's probably going to think your reaction today is a you problem and you are being unfair to him because how is he supposed to know him cancelling on you this time was such a big deal. Blah blah blah. If you want this relationship to continue, you need to tell him how you expect to be treated. If he can't do that, then he is not the one for you. You need to know your boundaries and not be afraid to express them. Because unless you speak up, people will continue to treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

VintedVirginAlmost · 13/02/2025 18:03

He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.
Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

Oh dear.

You sound as bad as each other.

I don't know what you mean by him watching out for you, clocking you, and you ignoring him- was he hanging around the street or your place of work?

Whichever, you both sound like kids and not ready to date anyone.

He sounds lazy and you sound childish with poor boundaries.

Just end it and do yourselves a favour.

Semiramide · 13/02/2025 18:04

@Sadorpetty
I think you'd find reading Women Who Love Too Much by Dr Robyn Norwood useful.

VintedVirginAlmost · 13/02/2025 18:06

she just needs to realise he isn't that bothered and she doesn't need to keep making an effort.

OP have you ever had a relationship where someone made you feel great?
It does come over as if you accept the crumbs rather than the full loaf.

Velmy · 13/02/2025 18:07

If you're at the point of ignoring him in the street already, I'd say you're not really in much of a relationship.

RaspberryBeretxx · 13/02/2025 18:07

The multiple last minute cancels would drive me to distraction! I dont think you wbu , it’s not like you deliberately set out to blank him, it was just the best course of action in the moment. I’d say he’s had his chance and I’d cut it off now. It doesn’t really matter whether he has genuine reasons or he’s just not that bothered about seeing you but it doesn’t work for you to be messed around this much.

Waterbaby41 · 13/02/2025 18:10

Blanking him in the street was really rude. Just have a grown up conversation with the guy.

Uricon2 · 13/02/2025 18:15

While walking off and blanking him wasn't the most mature, effort (by both parties) at the beginning of a relationship very much indicates the real amount of keenness and how things are likely to be down the line (and things won't get better). I think with the cancellations, you've got your answer, really.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 13/02/2025 18:18

Dump him, you will be happier and block him straight after

Easipeelerie · 13/02/2025 18:20

The had to something with his brother is particularly rubbish. I’d he seeing other people? Keeping his options open?
I’d get rid. He doesn’t care enough.

TheCookieCrumblesThisWay · 13/02/2025 18:20

I think it's called breadcrumbing if I'm not mistaken. just giving you enough to keep you involved. He doesn't seem worth your time tbh

treesandsun · 13/02/2025 18:21

Cut your losses - it won't get any better. I would say - I don't think this relationship is working for me . You don't need to give him anymore of an explanation than that. If he wants to know say - you're a bit unreliable - I have started to find that irritating - it is early days so time to draw a line under it.

FriendsDrinkBook · 13/02/2025 18:29

Him cancelling your date when you were already on your way over is bloody rude. And the emergency was a favour for his brother? Nope.

All he deserves is a text to say that you're done. You really don't need to have a conversation about this.

Jollyhockeystickss · 13/02/2025 18:30

I would ignore him until he messages you and then say he has let you down twice in a week and you deserve more, I would guess he wont send you flowers tomorrow and you deserve more than being told he feels like shit,